May 9, 2002

-The following is an excerpt from the May 20, 2062 edition of "US/PEOPLE" magazine.

BRITNEY SPEARS: AN APPRECIATION

As the nation reflects on the sudden death of Britney Spears, an American icon, gone at the age of 83, we here at US/PEOPLE magazine feel it is time for an appreciation of Britney Spears:  quite simply the embodiment of all that is fine, pure, and lasting in American popular culture.

"Humble Beginnings"

Although everyone is familiar with her long and storied career, many people may have forgotten her humble origins as a country girl from rural Louisiana.

She made her first splash in the eye of the public as a spunky, ambitious though frankly talentless singer.  Recalls her first husband Alec Baldwin:  "When she first broke out, she was kind of a joke. Everybody thought of her as just big boobs and a lot of blonde hair.  But there was more to Britney, much more.  A lot of people don't realize she also had a tremendous ass, too."

Although her first marriage lasted a brief five months and ended with Baldwin's hospitalization, the period was a fertile one for Britney.  While honeymooning in Las Vegas during a break from her sold-out "No Bras Allowed" tour, Britney formulated the basic principles of what would become her famous Theory of Particulate Transfer.  Though never formally trained in advanced sub-atomic physics, the young girl from Louisiana had an intrinsic elegant grasp of the subject.  Her bold, innovative theorems would lead to the development of the first practical engines for supra-light speed travel.

"Busting Out"

It was while filming "Hammy B"- her Academy Award- winning hip hop distaff adaptation of "Hamlet"- that her theories came to fruition.  The gritty gangsta rap musical was shot on location in Denmark.  During the days, she sang and danced with her co-star, future Chief Justice Lawrence Martin, and during the nights, she developed her astonishingly complex theories at the Zooplanktonfisker Institute of Advanced Physics.  The excitement of winning both the Best Actress Oscar and the Nobel Prize for Physics that year was overshadowed by her whirlwind romance with Crown Prince William of England.  After a storybook wedding in see-through white spandex, tragedy struck. King Charles died suddenly a week later from an attack of gout.

"Queen Britney"

The public joy at the birth of King William and Queen Britney's son, Justin the First, was quickly replaced by mourning as King William died of a heart attack in bed while making love to Britney.  The public adored Queen Britney but missed their beloved "King Wils" whose last words in the arms of his wife were, "Hit me, baby, one more time."  Overcome with grief, Britney abdicated the throne and returned to America, throwing herself back into her work.

"First Bimbo"

It was while on a promotional tour for her dramatic masterpiece comeback film "Nude Greek Sculpture" that Britney first caught the eye of the young newly elected President of the United States, John F. Kennedy Junior III.  Love came quickly.  Within six months, the country had a buxom new First Lady who could liven up State dinners with a discourse on Relativity and Light Refraction, a lively song, or a simple toss of that famous blonde mane and a shake of her huge jugs.  Within a year, JFK Jr. IV was born in the White House.  Yet tragedy struck again as, like the King of England before him, JFK Jr. Ill died of a heart attack in the arms of his lusty young wife.  In shock as the paramedics pried them apart and carted her husband away, Britney's  only comment was, "Oops!  I did it again."  Grief-stricken, she returned to rural Louisiana to raise her new twin sons,  JFK Jr. V and JFK Jr. VI, who were conceived on the night of their father's death.

"New Horizons"

An older, wiser, yet still shamelessly scantily clad Britney returned to the spotlight as a philanthropist.  Her charitable foundation "Britney's Inner City Bosom Buddies" worked to provide free breast implants to under-privileged, under-developed inner city teenaged girls.  In her keynote address to the American Medical Association, she steadfastly proclaimed, "I believe in a woman's right to choose ... her breast size regardless of socio-economic status."  It was at this time that she dominated American pop culture like no one before, appearing simultaneously on the covers of "Time," "Cosmopolitan," "Scientific American," and "Hustler."

"The New Feminism"

Outraged by "Hustler" magazine's publication of unauthorized nude photos of Britney coaching an inner city topless volley ball match, Spears made a new brand of Feminism her focus.  Along with her common-law wife of five years, Christina Aguillera Spears, Britney bought "Hustler" magazine with her Kennedy fortune and became Editor-In-Chief.  She then spent the next two years publishing issue after issue featuring unauthorized nude photos of pasty-faced accountants, greasy construction workers, and paunchy entertainment lawyers in a bit of sexual voyeurism revenge.

"A Ripe Old Age"

By 2050, Britney appeared less and less frequently in the public spotlight with the marked exception of singing the National Anthem at the frequent Presidential Inaugurations of her sons.  Later years saw the publication of her Pulitzer Prize winning novel "Chronicle of a Blonde Foretold" and a final satisfying marriage to Sean Connery in 2060.

Though she passed away so suddenly in a tragic wheelchair hang-gliding accident, we choose to remember her not as the movie star, the astro-physicist, the First Lady, or even the Queen of England.  Instead, we will always remember her as plain old Britney, the grande dame who was still always game to shake her rack at the drop of a hat.