May 9, 2002

The following is an excerpt from the May 8, 2002 edition of "The New Orleans Times Macaroon."

ROMAN CATHOLIC PRIESTS RUN AMOK

Already reeling from a nationwide scandal, Roman Catholic clergymen in New Orleans are under intense public criticism and close governmental scrutiny.  With public opinion clearly turned against them, some members of the clergy in largely Catholic New Orleans have responded with a shocking outbreak of violence and vandalism.

On a recent Sunday morning, the normally peaceful streets of suburban Metairie were rocked by violence.  After morning Mass, a rebellious gang of angry, disenfranchised priests went on a brutal spree through the streets of the surrounding neighborhood.  Bands of ominous black-clad priests overturned garbage cans, shattered car windshields, and set small fires in yards and mail boxes.

Three days later violence again erupted at nearby Lakeside Mall.  After a rowdy all-day bingo game careened out of control at a local Knights of Columbus Hall, a marauding band of unruly, jack-booted clerics invaded the mall.  The scofflaw priests pushed their way through the shocked crowds of shoppers, picking fights with innocent bystanders and looting a religious bookstore.  Badly outnumbered mall security guards looked on helplessly as the priests overturned an Orange Julius stand and set fire to the Nut Hut.

What started out a month ago as a few isolated incidents is now turning into an extended ecumenical crime wave.  When questioned about this ugly trend at a recent press conference, Orleans Parish Cardinal Daniel O'Rolloran was quite defensive.

"Clearly the Catholic Church does not condone this type of behavior.  However, we are quite capable of policing ourselves in regard to these incidents.  I want to assure all of our parishioners and the community at large that this issue will be resolved quickly and fairly.  Some of the involved clergy may need counseling or a change in their duties."

When local television reporter KJ Olsenfasterpersson questioned the validity of the Church policing itself instead of turning the matter over to the appropriate law enforcement authorities, the Cardinal leapt from the podium and punched her in the eye.  Olsenfasterpersson was treated for minor injuries at a local hospital.  Cardinal O'Rolloran remains at large, having fled the news conference on foot surrounded by a band of heavily-armed monsignors.  It is just the most recent incident in what experts are now calling "Priest Rage."

The violence and chaos spread to the French Quarter this week when a motorcycle gang calling themselves "The Bad Fathers" roared through the crowded streets scattering pedestrians and terrorizing local merchants.  Several of the burly, leather-clad, rogue biker-priests stopped to rough up a group of Hare Krishnas and a Baptist street preacher before remounting their gleaming chrome bikes and heading off to the sanctuary of St. Louis Cathedral.

Instead of setting an example of proper Christian values for the youth of the community, some renegade priests have inspired bedlam among the teenagers of New Orleans.  Recently a local Catholic Youth Organization in the Garden District was forced to disband when it became apparent that it was merely a front for a highly organized teen extortion ring.  The members, who referred to themselves s the "RCGs" or "Roman Catholic Gangstas," were often seen wearing beads and vestments and swaggering through the halls of their schools.  The CYO's proctor, Father James "Knuckles" O'Malloran, is currently wanted by federal authorities on charges of aggravated assault, counterfeiting, and mail fraud.

With the dog days of a hot New Orleans summer fast approaching, local authorities are seeking help both from the Vatican and from federal authorities including the National Guard.  Officials are concerned that with rising tension and violence, weddings officiated at by priests could turn into brutal free-for-alls and Baptism and Confirmation ceremonies could erupt into bloody donnybrooks.  Authorities at the Archdiocese are contemplating drastic measures such as a curfew for clerics as well as new, officially-designated safe "No Priest Zones."

A recent collaborative meeting between the Archdiocese and the Mayor's officer was disrupted when a rock was hurled through one of the conference room windows.  Wrapped around it was a note bearing the ominous warning, "Dear Ratfinks, your next Communion could be your Last."

For now there are no easy answers and no end in sight to this nightmare of clerical mayhem as the citizens of our city wonder when someone will finally have the courage to face down these lawless clergymen.