May 6, 2002

-The following is an excerpt from "The Tulsa Herald." ASK DOCTOR BIFF

Doctor Biff Nasterfissterpersson is a licensed, practicing physician. He answers health-related questions from our readers every third Wednesday of the month.

Dear Doctor Biff,

I am a healthy, happy thirty-nine year old woman. I am in great shape and I work out six times a week and am at my ideal body weight. My problem is that even though people often say I look ten years younger than my age, I have noticed ugly worry lines on my forehead as well as a lot of little wrinkles around my eyes that make me look old. In my job as a media consultant, appearance is very important. Lately I have read alot about Botox injections to remove wrinkles. What is your professional opinion of Botox, Doctor Biff?

    Young For My Age In Yukon

Dear Young,

So you are interested in Botox injections, heh? Well, tell me, how does this sound? You pay hundreds of dollars for some joker to stick super sharp needles into your face so he can inject highly purified poison into the muscles to paralyze them. Does this sound like a great idea to you, Youngster? While you're at it why not get your nose pierced, buy a pair of those ass-crack low-rise jeans, and take up skateboarding? You are thirty-nine, dammit. Grow up and at least try to act your age. But what the hell? If you want to, why not turn your hideous paralyzed face into some kind of grotesque dartboard memorial to your trivial long-lost youth? I say, go for it!

Dear Doctor Biff,

I am a fifty-eight year old home-maker. Though I am a bit overweight, I am in good health, but I have one small problem. Every now and then, sometimes only once a month, I get an unusual tingling feeling right behind my belly button. It doesn't really hurt or cause any problems. I told my family doctor about it, and he examined me and told me everything looked fine. Still that unusual tingling feeling continues to pop up every month or so. My great aunt had cancer of the larynx when she was seventy-nine so I am always extra careful about my health. I went back to my family doctor again recently. This time he took some x-rays and ran some lab tests, and everything came back normal. However, I am still concerned. Do you think I should see a specialist?

    Concerned In Coweta

Dear Concerned,

I am certain there are guide a few specialists who would be delighted to see you. Although you are in fine health and your symptoms are negligible, they will be happy to run battery after battery of negative tests on you. Some doctors refer to healthy, concerned people like you who don't know when to stop complaining as "annuities." Certainly, the fees from patients like you have put generations of doctors' kids though year after year of expensive private schools. Still if you want to, go ahead and see that specialist despite the sound, reasonable advice of your family doctor. The tests start out small, but step by step they will get progressively more uncomfortable, degrading, dangerous, and expensive. But feel free to go ahead and indulge yourself. As long as you keep complaining, there will always be some doctor willing to humor you. A gallon of extra-chunky barium for breakfast? Bring it on! Three feet of lighted garden hose inserted in a very uncomfortable place? Why not? You're the boss! Still if you want my personal advice, it would be to keep your mouth shut and get out more often. Maybe start a new hobby like needlepoint or scrapbooking. Better still, with all the money you will save, why not buy yourself one of those zippy new Chrysler PT Cruisers?

Dear Doctor Biff,

I am an eighty-three year old retired pipe fitter. Aside from diabetes and colitis, my health is fine. My wife who is eighty and I still have a lively, active sex life despite the fact that she has been confined to a wheelchair for the past six years. My quest ion is regarding an unusual problem that occurs during intercourse. I have noticed that during vigorous climaxes I ...

Dear Old Guy,

Sorry to interrupt, but that is quite enough of that question, thank you very much. Believe me, there is some stuff even we doctors don't want to hear about.

Perhaps you should share your problem with others who might be a bit more sympathetic. Why not try talking it over with a stranger at a bus stop, one of those servers at the local Piccadilly Cafeteria, or maybe with the guy who offers you a shopping cart when you walk into the Wal-Mart?

In the meantime, I will be answering your questions again next month and perhaps we will actually hear from someone who is sick.

Best Wishes,

Doctor Biff