April 26, 2002

The following is an excerpt from the USA TODAY, April 24, 2002.

Relaxed Attorney General Has a Laugh with Letterman

US Attorney General John Ashcroft appeared relaxed and at ease during a recent appearance on "The Late Show With David Letterman."  When teased by Letterman about his brief stint as a member of the amateur musical group "The Singing Senators," Ashcroft obliged the host by taking a seat at the piano and playing an impromptu chorus of "Can't Buy Me Love."  He then segued into a moving version of "This Old Rugged Cross."  In a lively, laugh-packed exchange of views, the Attorney General took the opportunity to espouse a return to old-time, fundamental, traditional American family values.

"If ever there was a time this country needed prayer in the schools, at home, or in the workplace, this is it," Ashcroft said.  Joking, he added that if it would help he would even call on some of this highly-placed, powerful friends in the Religious Right to make prayer in school mandatory starting next week.

"Well, you know there are a lot of small-=minded nabobs out there who might complain about this kind of thing," Letterman countered sarcastically.

With a merry twinkle in his eye as he leaned back, Ashcroft rejoined, "You know that whole freedom of speech business is highly overrated.  Why should anyone be free to shoot off his mouth anytime he wants to?  In today's environment, words can be as dangerous as weapons.  Maybe we should regulate them accordingly, Dave."

Letterman mimed shock at Ashcroft's inflammatory remarks.  "Next thing you know you'll be rolling back a woman's right to choose."

"No way, Dave," Ashcroft said with a chuckle.  "That could probably never happen, but if it were up to me, every woman in this country would always have the right to choose...that is the right to choose whether to wear the dark brown burqa or the dark blue burqa when she is spending her days at home cooking and cleaning for her husband and her children."

Letterman looked on in shocked silence as the Attorney General teased him, joking about how smart-aleck wise guys like Letterman might be the first to taste the whip if it were up to him.  With a sly grin, he added, "It's not as if I would use the power of my position and the administration to build an oppressive regime of terror swaddled in the robes of religious fundamentalism and do-or-die patriotism.  There's no way I would personally limit or eliminate your civil liberties under the guise of wartime security."

"You're laughing but you're scaring me a little," Letterman said with an uneasy smile.

"Honest Injun, Dave.  Or should I say Honest Indigenous American Peoples.  It's not like I would allow my overpowering, suffocatingly regressive, borderline crackpot religious principles to influence me to the point where I would read your mail, censor your show, or throw you in jail under charges of treason just because I disagreed with your constant, smart-mouthed berating of the true patriots who are trying to bring this proud country back to its former glories.  Honest Indigenous American Peoples, Dave.  I would never do that, even if it was really easy as pie," the US Attorney General said, placing his hand over his heart.

As the segment ended, Ashcroft playfully had two heavily-armed US Marshals come out on stage and handcuff the hilariously protesting Letterman and take him away in chains, playfully slapping and kicking him.  As the show went to commercial, the relaxed and easy-going Attorney General returned to the piano and led the audience in an uneasy old-fashioned gospel sing-a-long.