April 11, 2002

The following is an excerpt from "The Tulsa Herald."

ASK JAMMY:  AN ADVICE COLUMN

Dear Jammy,

I work in a busy computer reservations office with twelve other girls.  We all get along fine except for one pushy girl named "Mary."  We share a common refrigerator and microwave, and we usually don't get much time to eat.  Every Wednesday I bring a quart of cottage cheese for lunch, and almost every week I find by the time I get a break for lunch someone has eaten half of it and left the container in the back of the fridge.  I have even made a point to always carefully label it with a piece of tape over the lid.  I've never caught her, but I can tell by the nasty look in her eye that Mary is the one doing this.  I don't want to cause a lot of trouble, but what should I do?

Miffed in Muskogee

Dear Miffed,

You want to know who moved your goddamn cheese?  I'll tell you who:  that fat bitch Mary.  You could go to your supervisor or have a discreet chat with her, but I'll tell you what your old friend Jammy would do.  A good, old-fashioned poke in the eye does wonders for workplace pests like Mary.  The trick to a good, effective eye poke is to use your thumb.  Using your index finger may seem right, but you may wind up jamming it.  With one quick motion, slide your palm over her cheek, using it for leverage, then jam your thumb right into the socket.  People like Mary are animals, and the next time she looks at your cheese through her red, swollen eye she will think twice before messing with you.

Dear Jammy,

It may sound like a silly pet peeve, but don't you hate it when you're in a crowded parking lot and the person in the car in front of you blocks traffic in an aisle waiting for someone to put away their bags, get in their car, buckle up, and finally drive away?  These "waiters" drive me crazy blocking me out for five minutes so they can get their precious parking space.  Could you print this so that all the "waiters" out there can learn how rude they are?  In the meantime, what should I do:  honk, yell, or just wait patiently?

Ornery in Okmulgee

Dear Ornery,

Do you have a tire tool in your car?  Most people do have one tucked in the trunk next to the jack and the stowaway spare tire.  It is a sturdy two-foot long steel rod with a spike on one end for taking off hub caps and a thick socket wrench on the other end for removing lug nuts.  The reason I am so specific about it is this:  the difference between using the lug wrench end of your tire tool to teach a "waiter" a lesson and using the spike end is the difference between "simple battery" and "aggravated assault" in many states.  Next time you are stuck behind a "waiter," take a tip from Jammy.  Quick as a bunny, hop out of your car with that tire tool.  Hold it by the spike end and let it dangle by your side and bang against the side of the "waiter's" car as you move in.  If that doesn't get his attention, a few firm raps on the window should do the trick.  Remember that if things get heated, a broken windshield is usually only "malicious mischief" and a fine.  There are too many of these dirtbag "waiters" around.  It is time we teach them a lesson one busted windshield at a time.

Dear Jammy,

"Alex" and I have been happily married for two years, and it has been great.  The only problem is his old flame "Greta."  They were engaged in college, and they are still very close.  I don't want to begrudge him his friends, but every time we have a party or a barbeque he always invites Greta.  It is clear she doesn't like me, and she is always very physical around Alex, straightening his hair, rubbing his shoulders, or giving him affectionate hugs.  She is still very attractive and always wears tight or revealing clothes.  Behind his back, she is rude and sarcastic to me.  What can I do to assert myself and put an end to this unhealthy situation?

Puzzled in Pawhuska

Dear Puzzled,

If you've spent as much time in prisons as I have, you learn that the secret to violence is the element of surprise.  The next time Greta comes over for a party, ask her to help you in the kitchen.  When you are alone, ask her to carry in a tray of beer bottles.  While she has her hands full, slap her on the back of the head with a full, unopened bottle of beer as she walks away from you.  A full bottle tends not to shatter and cut up the scalp, yet when swung vigorously, it will give Miss Tight Pants a message loud and clear.  When she pitches forward and falls on her face, there will be quite a commotion.  You will only have a few seconds alone so work fast and roll her onto her back.  Kneel and press your knee down hard on the center of her chest.  With her pinned, slap her face back and forth with your hands like you are trying to revive her.  When the other guests arrive, say she tripped and plead ignorance.  When she leaves, whisper in her ear, "There's more where that came from, bitch."

If you have any questions, write to "ASK JAMMY," care of the "Tulsa Herald" and include a self-addressed and stamped envelope.