March 29, 2002

-Excerpt from CNN on-line article dated March 28, 2002.

BUSH ANNOUNCES NEW NOMINEES

In a press conference held in the Rose Garden today. President George W. Bush introduced his new nominee for the position of Surgeon General, Dr. Richard Carmona. With considerable zeal, Bush presented Carmona as not just an esteemed physician but also a leader and a man of action. Carmona’s resume includes a stint in Vietnam as a Green Beret as well as serving with honor as a member of Arizona's SWAT teams. Despite a tough childhood growing up in Spanish Harlem, Carmona has risen to the top of his field whether treating acute trauma victims in state-of-the-art facilities or remorselessly gunning down thugs in the windblown streets of Tempe.

Says a Bush administration insider, "Carmona dazzled the President's selection committee." Encouraged by the public's immediate support of his bold choice for Surgeon General, Bush has decided to act quickly to fill other key posts. He has already instructed his committee to appoint Jean Claude Van Damme to the post of Chairman of the President's Council on Physical Fitness. The scrappy Belgian muscleman made a surprise appearance to accept the position, leaping into the conference in a blaze of flying fists and feet.

"Wee weel keeeck the keeds into shape," the diminutive action hero announced to applause all around as Bush looked on admiringly. The position on the Council for Physical Fitness had become suddenly vacant upon the committee's selection of current Chairman Arnold Scharzenegger to assume the newly created post of Deputy of Home Defense. The aging Hollywood tough guy has already presented a broad agenda of sweeping fiscal and policy reforms to the Senate confirmation committee. Dressed entirely in black leather, Scharzenegger strode into the conference with a swagger and a huge, lit cigar. "Maybe I am not choosing the obvious, most politically correct candidates," Bush chuckled. "But this administration, this nation, needs men like Arnold here who have the skill and bedrock leadership attributes which are the sine qua non in today's world climate. Plus, he's pretty handy with his dukes."

In a show of his widely praised quest for diversity, Bush's selection committee has earmarked Wesley Snipes to serve as the Deputy Assistant Treasurer, and Hong Kong native Jackie Chan has been publicly courted to replace Alien Greenspan at the Fed by the end of this year. Additionally, Bush plans to offer a highly placed administrative position to Academy Award winning actress Angelina Jolie. Says Bush, "Did you see her in 'Tomb Raider'? She kicked ass!"

As the Supreme Court faces another impending vacancy. Bush mused that there was room in the nation's highest court not only for a master of jurisprudence but a proven "tough guy." His first choice was Glenn Hughes, the Leather Guy Biker from the Village People. "I hear he's one tough hombre," the President said. When notified of Hughes' recent, untimely death, Bush responded, "Well, how about the Construction Worker or that Cowboy fellow. They look completely badass, too."

This flurry of new appointments signals a shift in the inner workings of the Bush administration. New Senior Aide Chuck Norris indicates that instead of a traditional cabinet, Bush is in favor of forming a more informal ad hoc decision making body tentatively known as the "World Famous Supreme Team." His spurs gleaming in the noonday sunlight, his Stetson pulled low over his eyes, Norris assured the gathered press that policy matters and international diplomacy will still be the main focus of the Bush administration although, as Norris says, "With this crew you can bet we will be kicking some ass and taking some names, metaphorically speaking."