March 1, 2002

The following is an excerpt from PEOPLE magazine:

GREAT NEWS FOR ROSIE FANS

    A recent media blitz has brought great news for Rosie O'Donnell's fans.  Contrary to widespread rumors, a new book and a tell-all interview with Dianne Sawyer have revealed that the bouncy talk show host is not gay.

    During a hard-hitting live interview, Dianne Sawyer grilled the plus-sized celebrity about her sexual history and preferences.  Fans breathed a huge sigh of relief as Rosie checked out 100% All Woman.  Still skeptical, Ms. Sawyer brought our hunky movie star and well-known heterosexual Tom Cruise, who Rosie rates as one of the hottest men on the planet.  At Sawyer's request, Rosie and Cruise engaged in hugging, fondling, and soul kissing on the air.  They then discreetly slipped away to an adjoining bedroom.  After a ten-minute filmed review of O'Donnell's career highlights including her roles in box office hits like "Exit to Eden," "Another Stakeout," and her Broadway smash turn in "Grease," the couple re-emerged.

    Flashing his trademark toothy grin, Cruise fastened his belt and gave a big "thumbs up" sign.  "She's all girl and all hot," crowed the diminutive leading man as Rosie came back out in a chiffon dressing robe.

    In a lesser bit of news for Rosie fans, it was incidentally noted that evidence continues to mount supporting allegations that Rosie - though thoroughly heterosexual - is a confirmed serial killer.  Declining to take the Fifth Amendment or have her lawyers present, Rosie confirmed that serial killings are "a little something special I do just for me."  Rosie reported that once a month she spends some quiet time alone away from her celebrity pals and the limelight to carefully plan and carry out a murder.  "It is usually no one special," O'Donnell says modestly.  "Mainly it's just drifters, homeless people, or hitchhikers.  Still, it makes me feel good about myself and that's what I have always told all my viewers is the most important thing."