January 24, 2002

Excerpt from USA TODAY, January 21, 2002

KISS TO ROCK AFGHANISTAN

    With over one hundred and twenty tons of lights, fireworks, and stage equipment in tow, classic rockers KISS arrived today at Khandahar airport to put on a good, old-fashioned rock spectacle for American troops.  Band leader Gene Simmons said, "We're going to get the Middle East Hotter Than Hell."

Excerpt from USA TODAY, January 23, 2002

KISS ARMY INVADES IRAQ

    In an unprecedented surprise midnight assault, the KISS ARMY - a heavily armed paramilitary unit of over two hundred Special Forces troops - invaded Iraq.

    Classic rock band KISS came to Afghanistan ostensibly to put on an elaborate USO show.  However, at midnight, their real mission became apparent.  Disguised as stage crew members, the KISS ARMY - originally formed in the Seventies as a fan club but now a private elite Special Tactics Assault Group - swiftly assembled state-of-the-art weaponry from their armored tour buses under cover of the night.

    Colonel Paul "Star Child" Stanley led the first wave of black leather-clad troops known as the Strutter Squadron in a daring midnight parachute jump fifty miles across the border into Iraq.  The Iraqi troops were taken by surprise by the trademark high-pitched screams of the Squadron as they rained down fire from the night skies.

    KISS ARMY Commander Gene "Lizard Man" Simmons issued a terse statement from the turret of his armored command vehicle:  "Why are we here?  To fight evil, and Saddam Hussein is one evil mother******.  If you're out there watching this on CNN, Saddam, you better run because we have the Love Guns loaded and ready to rock."

    Fighting was intense with air support provided by Air Commander Ace "Space Ace" Frehley leading a squadron of Destroyer fighter jets.  When questioned about the strategic goals of this rogue offensive, Frehley responded, "We just wanna Rock and Roll All Nite and Sortie Every Day."

...and then I woke up.