January 19, 2002

-Excerpt from a letter to Sean Connery's personal representative, Larry Festervervivson, from a senior agent at International Talent Management.

Dear Larry,

    Our quarterly review of scripts and project proposals for Mr. Connery has yielded three very promising prospects.  Our recent Q surveys confirm Mr. Connery continues to enjoy superior ratings from all female age groups as well as favorable ratings for males age 40 to 85.  The following recommendations trade on Sean Connery's enduring appeal across six generations of American women.

    Our first proposal:  "65 Again":  Sean Connery is Maxwell Jefferson, a retired college professor.  On his 87th birthday during an argument with his eighth wife, he falls down and loses consciousness.  He awakens - miraculously - on his 65th birthday in the midst of an argument with his fifth wife, a sexy social worker played by Liv Tyler.  For one magical day, he is 65 again with a world of choices, possibilities, mistakes to correct, and a chance to win over "the one that got away," a school teacher for the blind/cabaret singer played by Britney Spears.

    Our second proposal:  "Killer V":  Sean Connery is Jefferson Maxwell, a retired homicide detective.  He is drawn out of retirement and into a web of intrigue as a group of wealthy powerful old men are getting killed off one by one.  They are members of a secret elite octogenarian swingers club, and the killer strikes by using poisoned Viagra tablets.  Working with a hot young renegade cop played by Beyonce Knowles from the pop group Destiny's Child, he infiltrates the club.  Transgenerational romance blossoms as they hunt a killer.  The suspense mounts as each tablet of V Maxwell pops could be his last.

    Our third proposal:  "Harold and Maude and Mylissa":  In a remake of the seventies cult classic, Sean Connery is Harold Maxwell Jefferson, a retired civil rights leader, hippie, and iconoclast.  Though 92 years old, he radiates the exuberance, energy, and lust for life of a man one fifth his age.  Coincidence brings him in contact with a beautiful repressed teen heiress and a sexy recently widowed rodeo clown, played by Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.  In a series of wacky and irreverent episodes, Harold opens up the Olsen twins to a vibrant new world of joy, freedom, and unfettered sensuality.  In the shocking climax of the movie, Harold is apprehended ...

...and then I woke up.