October 27, 2004  eSLASHculture 3.27

-The following is an excerpt from Beltway Babble-on, a weblog from Washington DC political insider James Babble who writes exclusively for eSLASHculture.

BUSH COURTS "SWINGER VOTERS";  SUPREME COURT CRISIS AVERTED

    Being a political insider and long term lobbyist, political fixer, and bag man inside the Beltway for over twenty years has its benefits.  Just last week I was taking care of some business in the men's room at the Jefferson Memorial parkade when I ran into my old friend Bill "Swifty" Langston.  Swifty is the pro tempe adhoc factotum for the Bush re-election campaign.  After catching up on old times, Swifty generously invited me to come by and sit in on a typical day at the Bush campaign headquarters.  I had a marvelous day, and it is my pleasure to share with you a true insider's view of Democracy in action at the highest level.

    When I visited the command bunker bright and early Tuesday morning toting four dozen Krispee Kreme donuts, the first person I saw was senior adviser and evil-power-behind-the-throne Karl Rove, and he was seriously pissed off.  Rove was livid at a miscue that resulted in the latest firestorm of controversy to surround George W. Bush during his ill-fated re-election bid.  Rove had been forced by illness - bleeding ulcers - to miss the second leg of the campaign trip through Missouri last week.  In his absence, his underling Roger "Smitty" Smitherson was placed in charge of Bush.  The results were catastrophic as Smitty allowed the President to participate in a rare unscripted public question and answer session in St. Louis' Barnes auditorium.  Though it was a low profile event at at whistle stop, the cameras caught the President's latest embarrassing gaffe.  During the session Damon Woodard, an electrician from St. Louis asked the following question:  "Mr. President, my wife and I are swing voters.  Can you tell us something about yourself and your experiences that can win over our votes?"

    The President clearly did not understand the question as it was not on the list of pre-arranged scripted questions and responses being fed to him through his closed circuit communications backpack and earpiece.  At first puzzled, Bush responded quickly:  "Let me tell you, Mr. Woodard, I want you and all the other swinger voters out there to know that they can count on me to be a forceful President who shares their views, opinions, and beliefs.  My wife Laura and I have been swingers for years, and it is an important part of our everyday lives just like it must be for you and your wife.  Over the years, we've done it all:  wife swapping, key parties, private swingers clubs, three-ways ... you name it, we've done it.  It's a freaky turn on for the both of us, and we thank you for your vote."

    Rove was frank with me:  "That numbskull Smitty broke Rule Number One:  'Never let W talk off script.'  New questions, new ideas, and difficult concepts confuse and fluster the President.  Just as the Secret Service has the important mission to protect the President's body, our job is even more important.  We must protect the President's mind.  It is small and delicate, easily confused, and quick to anger.  It is of crucial importance to keep that mind sheltered from new or troubling thoughts.  For example, when Bush asks, 'How's the war in Iraq going?'  We say, 'Great, Mr. President.  Freedom is on march!'  If he asks, 'How's the economy?'  We say, 'Top notch, Mr. President.  Americans are richer, happier, and more confident than ever!'  It's just that simple," Rove explained to me between donuts.

    Later it was treat to watch the master at work in a damage control press conference.  Rove pointed out that the President thought the man had said he and his wife were "swing dancers."  "Swing dancing has long been a hobby of the President and the First Lady.  It is a great pastime and a fine source of exercise," Rove explained.  When a reporter pointed out that the videotape clearly showed the President discussing his free wheeling sexual behavior, Mr. Rove countered by showing his own version of the tape.  In a perfectly spliced  and doctored sequence, the new tape shows the President answering the question saying "swing dancer" instead of "swinger voter" and then doing a little jig before turning to the next question.  Rove moved onto the next topic ignoring the reporters' loud protests that the tape was fraudulent.

    It is just another example of the rhetorical master strategy that Mr. Rove refers to as "The Big Lie."  As Rove told me privately, "Just throw that Big Lie out there on the table and act like nothing happened. If you can control the media and you've got big enough balls, it works every time."  Of course, that is the kind of sharp, innovative thinking that makes Karl Rove a genius.

    The other crisis I had the opportunity to sit in on was a high pressure, top level discussion on how to deal with the recently announced news that Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist had been felled by thyroid cancer.  As the press fueled the flames of controversy about the possible loss of a functioning Supreme Court, the Bush brain trust gathered and quickly and forcefully made one of the kind of command decisions that have become the hallmark of this administration.  Over a hastily arranged meal of carry out pizza, Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and John Ashcroft met casually in the staff break room.  Once President Bush was sent out to get some parmesan cheese, the group acted quickly.  It was decided that Rehnquist would be removed from office for medical leave for the next ninety days.  Citing concerns regarding Justice Sandra Day O'Connor who has had a brush with breast cancer and Justice John Paul Stevens who at age eighty-four is clearly slowing down, it was determined that these justices would also be relieved of duty indefinitely for convalescence.  Now facing a critical shortage of Supreme Court Justices, Dick Cheney immediately awarded the contract to operate the United States Supreme Court to the Halliburton Corporation.  In a no bid contract concluded over the phone, Halliburton agreed to have the nation's highest court fully staffed and operational with new jurists by November 2 for a monthly fee of only $85 million dollars.

    I was amazed to se the whole process signed, sealed, and delivered in under ten minutes.  By the time President Bush returned to the break room with the parmesan cheese, the papers were ready for him to sign.  Though completely oblivious as to what he was signing into law, the President acted decisively and put the plan into action.  Like so many other Americans, I can rest easy knowing that despite a fast-moving crisis the Bush administration is firmly in control of the nation.  If God forbid there should be any controversy come Election Day, the Supreme Court - just as during the 2000 elections - will be fully staffed and ready to resolve any potential conflicts thanks to the good people at the Halliburton Corporation.  I know I'll be sleeping easier come Election Day, how about you?