October 19, 2004

BILL O'REILLY PART TWO:  A HANDFUL OF DUST

-As our story continues, star-crossed, fallen Right Wing demagogue Bill O'Reilly has suffered a crushing defeat in court losing a sexual harassment suit with damages assessed at thirty-five million dollars.  Found guilty of forcing a female co-worker to listen to his puerile sexual fantasies during extended phone sessions as he pleasured himself with a Happy Gnome vibrator, O'Reilly loses his job at Fox News.  Unemployed and disgraced, Bill O'Reilly faces an uncertain future as he tumbles into the harsh reality of a free market economy during hard times.

-The following is a series of excerpts from The USA Today dated May 23, 2005 to August 20, 2008.

May 23, 2005 -  Green Section

O'Reilly's Hot Talk Fantasy Line a Surprise Success

    Experts in the telemarketing industry have named "Bill O'Reilly's Hot Talk Fantasy Line" the most successful adult talk pay-per-minute service in the first quarter of 2005.  With profits of over nine million dollars since its start up, the service has taken many by surprise.  Desperate to develop new revenue streams after the loss of his Fox News show, the punishing multi-million dollar sexual harassment civil suit, and the bitter and costly divorce from his wife of twenty years, Bill O'Reilly opened his sexually explicit chat line in February.  O'Reilly noted in his company's Mission Statement that his goal was to "reach out to beautiful, hot, horny ladies everywhere who have dreamed of sharing their wildest, most erotic fantasies with a balding, pathetic middle-aged Right Wing agitator."  In a recent interview in Hustler magazine, O'Reilly gushed about his new career.  "I'm living my lifelong dream right here and now.  All these hot ladies want to call and get off on the phone with me.  Well, I can tell you with each and every call they will get off and I'll get off, too, getting them off since it gets me off, getting them to get off on me getting off on them ... well, you get the drift."

    Though the first quarter profits and minutes of usage per caller have been impressive so far, industry analysts don't paint too rosy a picture for the service's long term success.  Says Nald Flasstterrpperrrssonn, editor of trade journal Adult Talk Lines Monthly, "Sure, there were a few female curiosity seekers at first calling O'Reilly, but the last three months we've seen a different type of call.  The callers now are predominantly male liberals who phone in, shout out several  minutes of abuse at O'Reilly, mock him cruelly, and then hang up.  There is money to be made, but I don't think you will see much repeat business or growth after the first quarter.

    Undeterred by doubters, O'Reilly has already expanded his service, opening a second phone sex line called "O'Reilly's Double Fantasy Line" which gives callers the chance to go live with two pathetic, horny, middle-aged sex phone hosts at once.  Staffed primarily by out of work former highly-ranked Republican Party officials and Bush cabinet members, O'Reilly believes that despite the dire predictions of his business managers and bankers this will be the service that puts him over the top.  When questioned as to whether the phone sex business was undignified or degrading, O'Reilly while posing during a bondage photo shoot for Spank magazine was characteristically upbeat.  "Absolutely not!  I remain committed to only engaging in enterprises of the highest quality that challenge and engage the public.  I will never cheapen myself for a quick buck.  That's not the O'Reilly way."

October 17, 2005  Purple Section

O'Reilly Hot Boxing Match Sets Record Low Pay-Per-View Ratings

    Former popular newsman Bill O'Reilly can add another distinction to his long career as a television entertainer:  least successful pay-per-view entrepreneur of all time.  "Bill O'Reilly's Hot Boxing Sex-tacular" scored a record low audience of only 7,300 viewers in its debut as a national pay-per-view event last Saturday night.  The event which featured O'Reilly in a series of round robin boxing matches with "topless top models" was a sordid failure.  The models whom O'Reilly chased and batted about the ring were predominantly listless, overweight strippers.   Not even the arrival of special guest Rush Limbaugh - fresh out of jail after serving a nine month sentence for possession of controlled drugs - could bring any much needed excitement to the proceedings.  As the two paunchy Right Wing has-been hatemongers squared off side by side against a pair of aging twin "hot boxers," the show lost all momentum.  The ratings plummeted in the last hour as O'Reilly was soundly thrashed by surprise special guest Martha Stewart.  The topless former lifestyle expert and convicted felon landed blow after blow on the badly out of shape O'Reilly.  Trim and muscular after serving her hard time in prison Martha Stewart was relentless in punishing O'Reilly.  After bloodying his face and knocking him down several times, Stewart finally KO'ed the conservative blowhard with a brutal left uppercut that sent him tumbling through the ropes to land on the laps of celebrity guest judges Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney. 

    Swanky Enterprises, the producer of the event, vowed in light of the poor ratings to never work with O'Reilly again.  Unbowed by critical and popular failure, O'Reilly remained optimistic.  "The public loves Bill O'Reilly," the great man said.  "They always have and they always will.  The next time you hear from me, I will be back on top where I belong."

March 22, 2006  Blue Section

Has-Been Republican Mouthpiece O'Reilly In Critical Condition

    Former conservative talk show host Bill O'Reilly is in critical condition in the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit at Mercy Hospital of Passaic, New Jersey.  Plagued by legal troubles and a recent second bankruptcy filing, the washed up newsman was found unconscious in his seedy, one room apartment over the weekend.  After being rushed to the hospital in unstable condition, a team of surgeons labored for over eighteen hours to remove a badly impacted Happy Gnome vibrator.  Though the internal damage and bleeding were not severe, the handheld appliance's circuitry malfunctioned and emitted a series of electrical impulses which caused a massive heart arrhythmia to develop.  The city's top cardiology team has worked throughout the weekend to stabilize O'Reilly's heartbeat after the device had been removed.  Police investigators are uncertain whether to classify the incident as accidental or as a "cry for help" episode.  No charges had been filed as this article went to press.

August 20, 2008  Purple Section

O'Reilly's Sex Shoppe and Grill:  A Little Slice of American Life

The Final Word by Craig Wilson

    If you were to take a drive through the down-at-heels industrial park at Kingspointe Road in suburban Passaic, New Jersey, you just might notice an old-fashioned neon sign that reads "O'Reilly's" blinking in a rundown strip mall.  There wedged between a carpet remainders store and an out of business discount pet shop is a little slice of America:  O'Reilly's Sex Shoppe and Grill.  With its blacked out windows and hand-lettered "We're Open" sign it doesn't look like much from the outside, but the curious shopper who steps inside might be surprised.  Inside is a little oasis where a man can go for a cold beer, a kind work, or an ornately ribbed condom.

    The modest retail space is like a trip back in a time machine to a era that seems so long ago:  2004.  The front section of the shop is crowded with racks and racks of triple x videotapes.  It is mainly standard straight fare, but with a  modest but tasteful selection of gay videos my partner was tickled to find.  The walls are festooned with an extensive array of various sexual aides from vibrators and handcuffs to rubber and leather novelty apparel.  It is all pretty standard stuff, but if a casual visitor strolls into the back of the shop, he would find nestled between the peep show booths a cozy old-fashioned bar and grill.  Presiding over the establishment is a real blast from the past:  Bill O'Reilly.  The former face of Fox News back in the old go-go Republican heyday now tends the bar dressed neatly in matching polyester dress shirt, vest and bowtie.  The old style Formica bar is polished to a gleaming shine by the great man himself.  There are five stools at the small bar and three tables with folding chairs pulled up next to them.  The fly-specked menus and overflowing ashtrays add a homey touch.  The walls are covered with the latest posters for porn videos from Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and the Olson Twins, but mixed in with them are fascinating relics of a time gone by.  Photos of O'Reilly shaking hands with former President Bush and a heavily armed Dick Cheney hang next to cheaply framed newspaper front pages from 2003 and 2004 touting Bush's infamous "Mission Accomplished" speech in Iraq and mocking President Kerry's libelously slandered service record in Viet Nam.  In O'Reilly's Sex Shoppe and Grill, it is still 2004 - the pre-election 2004 - and what a vibrant slice of Americana it is.  With the Republican Party having collapsed and now running a distant fourth in the polls this election year behind the Democrats, the Civil Libertarians, and the Greenpeace Party and Fox News having long ago left the airwaves, it is fascinating to sit at the bar and listen to our host spin yarns about the "good old days."  It was a not-so-distant time when political extremism masqueraded as patriotism, a pack of censorious Puritans called themselves the Moral Majority, and a lynch mob of grim, unforgiving leaders passed themselves off as "The Religious Right."  Fortunately in America for every Dark Age there is a Renaissance, and as times changed and sanity returned to the tenor of the national political debate, the Republican Party tumbled down like a house of cards leaving only memories, yellowed photos, and men like Bill O'Reilly tending bar at a rundown porno parlor bar and grill. 

    O'Reilly himself looks not all that different from those old newspaper clippings.  Though clearly older beyond his years and carrying a hefty paunch, he seems fit enough though when he moves it is with a slow, deliberate shuffle - a painful reminder of the infamous time he refers to as "the troubles."  The lawsuits, the divorces, the bankruptcies, the roles in second tier erotic thrillers, and finally the notorious Happy Gnome affair ... all have left their marks on the man.  As he speaks with that same self-assured, patronizing cadence, he is frank in his recollection, and his eyes sparkle with recollection.  O'Reilly is quick to point out that for him even the darkest clouds have silver linings.  The vibrator-related injury that put him in the hospital for three months also resulted in a successful product liability suit.  The $83,000 dollars awarded to him in damages was the seed money that allowed him to open this little shop - his dream business - two years ago.  Whether speaking authoritatively about French ticklers or Freedom Fries, O'Reilly seems relaxed and finally at peace.  On this rainy late summer day as a few of the rain-coated patrons flip through porn mags and nibble on hearty plates of nachos or buffalo wings, my life mate and I sat spellbound as our host grilled up a sizzling platter of knockwursts for us, served with ice cold lite beers while regaling us with tales of his salad days.  Days when one man's "spin," misrepresentations, ham-fisted moralizing, and outright lies left a nation enthralled for that brief, glittery time in O'Reilly's prime.  It seems hard for the man before us serving beer and pedaling blow up sex dolls to realize that it was all just a fad, a mad moment in the nation's history when political divisiveness and polarizing self-interest swept the country just as hula hoops and goldfish swallowing were all the rage in more innocent times.  Sadly the spell is broken as O'Reilly is called up to the front of the store to refund one client money for a pair of defective nipple clamps and help another select just the right style of vibrating egg.  As we watched Bill O'Reilly shuffle off back to work, his face though lined and worn was wreathed with the contented smile of a man who finally loves his work.