October 17, 2004

BILL O'REILLY PART ONE:  DECLINE AND FALL

-The following is a series of excerpts from The USA Today dated November 29, 2004 to August 20, 2007.

November 29, 2004 -  Blue Section

O'Reilly Sexual Harassment Trial Begins

    After weeks of jockeying for position in the media spotlight and several foiled attempts by the famous Fox News star to negotiate an out-of-court settlement, the sexual harassment trial of Bill O'Reilly began today in Washington, DC.  Like so much of the case, the opening day was rife with intrigue and surprises.  The plaintiff - a former Fox News producer and co-worker of O-Reilly - shocked the full courtroom by introducing her newly appointed head legal counsel:  former president Bill Clinton.  In an impassioned opening statement, President Clinton outlined the charges against O'Reilly, a filthy laundry list of sexual harassment from repeatedly propositioning the plaintiff to phoning her while masturbating with a vibrator and forcing her to listen to his sordid sexual fantasies.  Clinton damned the Right Wing ideologue for violating the very same conservative moral standards that he had so frequently used to pillory others.  He concluded that the defendant  was a vain, hypocritical sexual bully who the jury must punish.  Later Clinton met with the media during a lunch break at a nearby Hooters restaurant.  The former president was frank about his motives for taking the high profile case.  "I was retired and all, but when I heard it was O'Reilly, I told the plaintiff I would not only do the case for free but I would bring some friends along, too."  Seated next to Clinton throughout the opening session was the Reverend Jesse Jackson who was Biblical in his condemnation of O'Reilly.  "The good book says, Thou shalt reap what thou sow. And right now it is reapin' time, O'Reilly, and we're going to see some serious reapin'.  The kind of reapin' that you will never forget, Brother O'Reilly."  Additionally, Vice-President Elect John Edwards took time out from his busy schedule working with the White House transition team to sit in as co-counsel with the legal team to map out a provocative strategy to formulate a multi-million dollar punitive damages scheme.  With his folksy, down home charm, Edwards set the tone with the jury demanding a crippling monetary award to destroy the defendant and his family.

    The defendant's side was not without its share of surprises as Bill O'Reilly - in a move legal experts see as a sign of both veiled concern and overt desperation - fired his attorney and brought in Johnny Cochran to plead his case.  With Cochran came the Reverend Al Sharpton, added to the O'Reilly payroll to serve as "spiritual advisor." 

    Despite all the legal maneuvering, the most shocking moment of the first day came after President Clinton presented as Exhibit A the cordless phone allegedly used by O'Reilly for the sexually harassing calls.  Next the controversial Exhibit B was the vibrator the plaintiff claims she heard O'Reilly using on himself during the multiple repulsive phone sex calls she subjected her to.  The item - a "Happy Gnome" model manufactured by the Xanthus Pleasure Products Company - was hotly contested by the defense team.  However, the judge, citing compelling DNA evidence, chose to admit the controversial personal appliance.  Mr. Cochran, attempting damage control, produced a similar device and demonstrated how his client used it to massage his chronically inflamed temporomandibular joints as well as his painful hamstring muscles still sore from a high school locker room football injury.  With only one day completed, it is clear that this will be an intensely contested civil suit.

December 9, 2004 Blue Section

Conservatives Rally Behind O'Reilly

    Though the sexual harassment civil suit against Bill O'Reilly grows more and more contentious in its second week with daily sordid, sleazy sexual revelations concerning the defendant's unwholesome sexual proclivities broadcast nationally, leading conservatives remain supportive of the Right Wing personality.  Charity starts at home, and Gracie O'Reilly has been in the front row of the gallery everyday of the trial lending moral support to her husband of twenty-three years and sitting through grueling hours of testimony including the presentation of phone tapes featuring her husband's animal like grunts and moans partially obscured by the incessant buzzing of a vibrator.  Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has also been a frequent visitor to the courtroom, staunchly defending O'Reilly's rights of personal expression and what he refers to as the Constitutionally protected right to "the pursuit of happiness and intense, erotic self-pleasuring."  Often in attendance with Thomas is Right Wing pop thrush Britney Spears.  Though blissfully single again after her Mexican divorce from dancer Kevin Federline and the quickie annulment of her third marriage to Republican dirty trickster Karl Rove, Spears was seen canoodling in the front row with Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz and sporting a gaudy twenty-five carat Harry Winston engagement ring.  Said Spears, "I used to just marry young hunks, dancers, and models, but there is nothing hotter than these pasty faced, flabby, middle-aged Republican power brokers.  They look all straight and serious and stuff on the outside, but guys like Rove, Wolfy, and my man O'Reilly are real freaks beneath the sheets.  Just listen to the testimony.  That whole part about the Caribbean shower is too hot.  I'm taking notes for my next album.  O'Reilly is a complete freak!  I love that sexy bastard!"

    In a move that seems to be closely orchestrated to coincide with the headline-dominating trial, an organization known as The Swift Boat Veterans For Free Love has been airing a series of television ads touting the rights of middle-aged bosses everywhere to encourage their younger female employees to participate in ongoing sexual dialogues to promote "a more intimate and sexually charged workplace."  The ads refer to female employees as "love mates" and "female chattel."

    Said defense attorney Johnny Cochran, "Damn, I wish they would just stop that shit.  I can tell you it ain't helping my boy here."  When questioned further about how the case was going, Cochran was frank.  "My client is absolutely innocent.  No jury in the world would find him guilty.  I guarantee O'Reilly's acquittal."

December 10, 2004 Blue Section

O'Reilly Loses Case, Is Fired By Fox News

    After a hard fought trial and the plaintiff's steadfast refusal to settle, the jury in the Bill O'Reilly sexual harassment case found the conservative demagogue guilty on all five counts and awarded damages of thirty-six million dollars to the plaintiff.  Victorious attorney Bill Clinton praised the jury's decision.  "The jury got it right.  The tried him, they found him guilty, and they damaged him to the max.  If I had my choice, I'd have asked them to impeach his ass, too.  But that's just me."  Already reeling from the court loss, O'Reilly was met with more bad news.  Fox News at the conclusion of the trial terminated O'Reilly effective immediately, canceling the disgraced news star's long running smug, sanctimonious news-distorting show.  Fox President Roger Ailes reported that the firing of O'Reilly had nothing to do with his lewd, embarrassing conduct and the lawsuit.  "It wasn't about  all the sex stuff.  Actually, I liked that whole angle.  It gave the show a pathetic, self-deluding quality that the public loves.  No, we fired him because we are moving in a new direction creatively at Fox News.  Ever since the November Presidential election when Bush and Cheney lost in a landslide, the ratings have been in the tank.  Divisive Right Wing hate programming just doesn't sell anymore.  Starting in February with the Kerry inauguration, we're changing the whole tilt of the Fox News evening programming.  Instead of "The O'Reilly Factor" our keynote program will be an exciting new hot topic news show called "Lieberman Live."  Every night Joe Lieberman will put his unique spin on the events of the day with his patented combination of spell-binding storytelling and compelling insight.  Then we'll introduce a new late night phone-in show "More With Gore."  Folks these days just can't get enough of that Old School Democrat ideology and former V.P. Al Gore will host a show that he says is "a little show biz, a little talk, and a whole lot of Left Wing fun!"

    O'Reilly, though still shaken by the events of the day, was upbeat about his career prospects.  "No matter what happens," O'Reilly said at an impromptu news conference on the courtroom steps, "With the love and support of my wife Gracie, I will remain true to my conservative roots and pursue my profession as a journalist dedicated to bringing the unvarnished truth to the people of this great nation."