October 1, 2004

-The following is an excerpt from in internal memo from Les Nessterrson, Vice President of Programming of Fox Networks, to Lav Staverrssonn, Corporate Vice President of Fox News Network.

Fox News Fall Entertainment Lineup

Dear Lav,

    We here at Fox Programming are very excited about the coming Fox News Fall Season.  Fox News has dominated its market selling cutting edge Right Wing rhetoric mixed with old-fashioned jingoism to an ever growing audience.  Now it is time for Fox News to "expand the brand" and branch out into entertainment programming to capitalize on America's hunger for a full slate of new "Fair and Balanced" shows ranging from reality programs to talk shows to made-for-cable Fox News movies.  Here are some of the highlights from the new Fox News Fall Season:

America's Next Top Zealot is Fox News' first venture into reality programming, and it is the show that all of Right Wing America has been waiting for.  Sure, every Fox News viewer would love to be able to spout his small-minded, racist, hate-mongering views to the entire nation, but America's Next Top Zealot will make one lucky demagogue's dream come true.  Every week hosts Oliver North and Fawn Hall will winnow away over a dozen amateur fanatics, loudmouths, and evil party mouthpieces to find the next Rush Limbaugh or Bill O'Reilly.  The winner will get a weekly half hour Fox News showcase.  Will it be crazed, hate-filled former 7-11 employee turned maniac street demonstrator Billy "Hate U" Hatfield yelling at minorities in public places?  Or will it be masked, xenophobic sociopath American Fist going door to door picking fights with ideologically opposed intellectuals in their own homes?  Or will it be breakout character Reverend Hellfire the defrocked Evangelical minister turned bare-knuckle boxer pounding on Jews, Muslims, and Buddhists with the autographed Bible he calls Old Glory?  All America will be tuning to see who Fox News anoints as America's Next Top Zealot!

The Fox News Movie of the Week  will make each Tuesday night Must See TV for small-minded, conservative America.  Each week a new made-for-TV movie will air showcasing Fox News enduring themes of patriotism, fear, and intolerance.  The first film in the series is "The Gipper's Ghost."  Already critically acclaimed, this romantic comedy finds President George W. Bush embroiled in a losing bid for reelection as war rages in the Middle East, America's allies turn against her, and his wife of thirty years grows more isolated by his mood swings and aloofness.  Then one magical night in the Oval Office the ghost of Ronald Reagan appears before Bush.  In the month leading up to the election, the doddering avuncular spectral ex-president teaches the younger man his patented lessons on life, love, and politics.  Transformed by the Gipper's Ghost, Bush opens himself up to the joy of life.  Watch as he mends fences with French Prime Minister Jacques Chirac over atomic wings and shooters of tequila in a Hooters in Dallas.  Marvel as he breaks the ice at the United Nations by teaching the delighted gathered delegates and Koffi Anan how to do the Limbo, the Lindy Hop, and the Charleston.  Revel in the unbridled passion rekindled in the Presidential Bedroom as Bush courts his wife with the Gipper's old-fashioned boudoir tricks such as the Three Fingered Screwpull, the Half-Windsor Love Clasp, and the notorious but profoundly erotic position known as Napoleon's Retreat.  Share in the joy as the reinvigorated George W. Bush wins back the hearts and minds of patriotic Americans and charms the world, all with the help of "The Gipper's Ghost"!

Dr. Phil-billy's Slap That Kid! is the exciting new daytime, family oriented talk show on Fox News.  Dr. Phil-billy McGraw is a beloved self-licensed self-esteem facilitator and lay family counselor from the Smoky Mountains of Kentucky.  Describing himself as a distant third common law cousin-in-law four times removed from his kinsman Dr. Phil McGraw, Dr. Phil-billy promotes a similar brand of family "tough love" that he will share with studio audiences as real families bring their problems to the backwoods wiseman to solve.  On Slap That Kid!, parents will learn important lessons in how to deal with their sullen, resentful, spoiled children and teach them the old-fashioned American family values of fear, intimidation, and corporal punishment.  As Dr. Phil-billy says, "Slappin' don't hurt too much, but it'll learn them uppity kids a thing or two, and the parents will likewise develop new techniques in self-actualization and non-verbal emotive expression.  Plus slappin' hardly ever leaves any bruises or breaks no bones."  Tune in Monday through Friday on Fox News at four for Dr. Phil-billy's Slap That Kid!.

Fuque'd By Fox News is the celebrity prankster show that everyone will be talking  about.  Republican teen heart throb Richard "Rory" Cheney III - the shave-headed, brutal grandson of our beloved Vice President Dick Cheney - will host a weekly show full of hidden camera Right Wing pranks.  In the pilot episode, Rory and his crew of fuque-sters set a trap for Chelsea Clinton.  Lured backstage at a Dave Mathews concert for an exclusive after party, the former First Daughter finds herself abducted, hooded, bound, and left in a gutter in a Washington DC housing project.  You'll laugh 'til you cry when Rory fires a clip full of blanks at her then pulls off her hood shouting the new catch phrase all America will be using:  "You've been Fuque'd by Fox News!  Later episodes will find Rory and the Fox News Fuque-sters blowing up all the toilets in the United Nations building, bribing Barbra Streisand's pedicurist to glue her toes together, and fire bombing Michael Dukakis' tool shed.  Soon all  America will be tuned in and be Fuque'd By Fox News!