September 23, 2004

-The following is an excerpt from the September 24, 2004 online issue of The Guardian.

Inside America's "No Fly" Watchlists

    The recent detention and deportation of pop singer Cat Stevens - now know as Yusuf Islam - has raised disturbing question about the United States' anti-terrorism initiatives.  Officials from the Department of Homeland Security confirmed that Islam's name is on one of the U.S.'s controversial 'no fly' watchlists.  His deportation was on the grounds that the pop singer of such hit songs as "Morning Has Broken," "Wild World," and "Peace Train"  posed a "imminent treat to national security."  Islam, now well-known for his peace drives and charity fundraising activities, was aghast.  "Geez, I'm Cat Stevens!  How stupid can these guys get?" Islam asked journalists upon his release.

    When questioned about the legality of the FBI's actions, Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge was frank in justifying his policies.  "This is America:  We don't need a reason to lock up anyone we want to in order to honor the flag and support this great nation that so many brave young men and women are fighting to keep free and proud.  To preserve our God given freedoms, we are willing to search, seize, and hold without charges or arraignment.  Tyranny must be stopped, and that starts in this office," Ridge responded proudly.

    The Cat Stevens case is not the first incident where the seemingly arbitrarily generated watchlists have lead to problems.  In March of 2003, former heavyweight champion of the world Mohammed Ali was removed from a flight to Las Vegas  when his name popped up on the security screens at LAX airport.  The champ was detained for over eight hours at an FBI interrogation center before being released.  "Geez, I'm Mohammed Ali!  How stupid can these guys get?" the champ exclaimed to reporters.

    An inside source at the Department of Homeland Security who declined to be named for this story confirmed that many "ethnic-sounding" names crop up on the watchlists.  These proscribed names then become the law of the land.  "It's usually names like Islam, Mohammed, or Ali that set off the security prompts," our source confirmed.  "You get someone named Mohammed Ali and you just know the poor bastard is looking at being hustled off is flight, cuffed, and locked up for awhile.

    "Honestly, I don't know who makes up these lists, but once a name is on there it becomes anti-terrorist gospel.  Mistakes happen all the time when you're working with a crappy system like this."

    One need only ask Kirstie Alley.   The portly washed up former TV star was innocently boarding a return flight from her condo in Cancun to Los Angeles when security forces seized her, forcibly removing her from her commercial flight.  Though loudly explaining that she was the star of hit films such as "Look Who's Talking" and "Look Who's Talking Too," Alley was nonetheless taken kicking and screaming past the other passengers and then hooded and evacuated from the airport.

    "Alley or Ali?  Hell, it was close enough," our source speculated.  "It's a shame because I loved her in 'Cheers' and even in 'Veronica's Closet,' but the field agents had to make the call at the time."

    It was over  eight days before Kirstie Alley was cleared and deemed not to be a threat to national security and finally released.  The actress told a harrowing tale of intimidation, verbal abuse, and a weeklong ordeal at the maximum security prison at Guantanamo Bay.  In the papers filed in her civil suit, Alley states, "Geez, I'm Kirstie Alley!  How stupid can these guys get?"  Her statement also claims that for a brief period of time during her nightmarish captivity she was blindfolded and shared a cell with washed up Brat Pack actress Ally Sheedy who has remained at large for over a year.  Sheedy was last seen in August of 2003 when she was pulled off a flight to New York by heavily armed FBI security forces.  "It sickens me to think that the highly regarded star of such fine films as 'The Breakfast Club,' 'Short Circuit,' and 'Short Circuit 2' has become an illegal prisoner and a victim of America's unchecked and unregulated security system," says Kirstie Alley.

    "Yep," our source commented.  "That one doesn't surprise me either.  Wrong place, wrong time, wrong name.  Honestly, if I were that 'Ally McBeal' actress Calista Flockhart I would stick to taking trains and buses or the next time she tries to get on a plane she may wind up in Abu Ghraib prison hooded, cuffed, and in a big pile of a dozen other Allys and Mohammeds.

    "It could be worse," our source mused.  "True story:  one of the computer wonks at the FBI office in Silver Springs had this really nasty break up with his girlfriend.  She trashed his apartment, stole his dog, and poured a bottle of ketchup into his X-Box ... the whole nine yards.  Anyway, the next day he comes to work all hung over and pissed off and he puts her name on the watchlist.  I kid you not!  So if you happen to be named Sarah Pomerantz you might ought to think about catching a Greyhound or a train on your next trip or you may wind up in Gitmo working on your tan for  a couple of months."

    "The sad thing is that the system only really works to catch terrorists who are too stupid to use a fake ID when they want to catch a plane.  In the meantime, we're busy shaking down every innocent Tom, Dick, and Ali.  It's a drag."

    Never one to admit to a mistake or apologize, President Bush was characteristically upbeat when recently questioned about the controversial watchlist policy while working on his ranch in Crawford, Texas.  "Nothing will stop us in our war against terror," the President pronounced.  "We will root out these evil doers wherever they lurk.  Whether you are an Ali, a Mohammed, an Islam, or a Sarah Pomerantz, we will find you and bring you to justice.  And to the like named enemies of the United States who plan more destruction I say, Bring it on!"