September 16, 2004

-The following is an excerpt from the October 3, 2008  edition of People magazine.

The Republicans of 2004:  Where Are They Now?

    As the 2008 Presidential Election looms just a month away, perhaps it is time to look back to four years go when the last Presidential Election polarized and fascinated a nation.  What has become of all those colorful personalities that captivated us in the dog days of Summer 2004?  As everyone knows, the surprise landslide victory of John Kerry in 2004 winning 64% of the electoral vote and 69% of the popular vote brought with it the wave of peace and prosperity which we have enjoyed for  the past four years.  Following on Kerry's coattails, a Democrat majority in both houses of Congress swept away years of Republican dominance.  Everyone is familiar with the fates of such prominent Democrats of the time like Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, her husband Supreme Court Justice Bill Clinton, and Senate Majority Leader Howard Stern.  Yet what became of those blustering, bullying, beguiling Republicans who had the world by the throat for four glittery years?  It was a time of Sedgways, rap music, and Right Wing totalitarianism.  Let's revisit those crazy days and catch up with some of the shooting stars of that time seems so long ago.

    "It's hard to figure," muses one-time famous Right Wing celebrity Rush Limbaugh.  "It seems like come Election Day 2004 all of America just saw right through us and decided to pull the plug on hatred, corruption, and the politics of divisiveness.  It is a shame because it was great while it lasted," the portly demagogue recalls.  Of course, unlike most of his Right Wing cronies, Limbaugh landed on his feet and survived the changes in political fortunes.  Still prominent in the public eye, Limbaugh hosts the daytime edition of "Family Feud" and is well known of his many infomercials that pepper daytime cable schedules shilling for everything from herbal Viagra to his "Rush-aerobics" and "Rush-erotics" self-help tapes for fat people.

    Looking  back, John Ashcroft was a star who burned brightly during the early "aughts."  As Attorney General, he made quite a name for himself curtailing civil liberties, circumventing the Constitution, and beating the drum of fear and hatred.  After the Republicans got the boot in 2004, John Ashcroft decided to pursue his lifelong dream of a career as a country and western singer.  His debut album, "Jesus Was a Redneck," fared poorly both with the record buying public and with the critics, but it did catch the ear of hot country hunk Bucky Lovestump.  When Lovestump produced an all country musical version of "The Passion of the Christ," he called on Ashcroft to sing the role of Pontius Pilate.  Though lauded for its uptempo, lively country songs, "The Passion of the Christ: The Musical" closed on Broadway after only two weeks.  Says Ashcroft, "It was a great experience to do that show, but it was demoralizing watching the crowds stream out of the theater every night in hordes during the play as we beat Bucky Lovestump to a bloody pulp night after night while he sang those great rockin' country tunes."  The intervening two years have been lean for Ashcroft with no new recordings and few gigs.  However, the small-minded, semi-fascist entertainer is upbeat about his latest project.  "It's a new show on MTV, and it's called 'The Gay Real World: San Francisco Sodom.'  It's one of those reality shows where I live in a big house in the Castro with twelve young guys.  My roommate is a bike messenger named Suck.  It lasts for six weeks, and I am really looking forward to sharing my music and my faith with these young men."  Good luck, Mr. Former Attorney General.

    A career in show business was the last thing that former Vice President Dick Cheney had in mind, but when Hollywood comes calling, it is best to listen.  Out of a job after the 2004 election, the phones weren't ringing much at the Cheney household until the fateful day that Barbara Broccoli, the influential producer of the James Bond films, called from Los Angeles.  "Although he didn't have any acting experience, Dick Cheney was perfect for us," Broccoli recalls.  "The script for the movie called for a unique talent to play madman Drax Lugor.  We needed someone who radiated a palpable sense of evil.  Someone power mad, manipulative, and bent on destroying the world.  We called Cheney and flew him out for a reading, and he was a natural.  The rest is history."  With Cheney on board as what many consider the definitive Bond Villain, the resulting movie, "The Man Who Screwed the World," made over two hundred million dollars in 2006.  Sadly, Cheney has since struggled to find roles suited to his unique talents.  A failed romantic comedy with Brittany Spears, "Kiss Me, Mr. Ugly," was a flop.  An attempt to fashion a career as a song and dance man in a remake of the Shirley Temple classic "Curly Top" failed as well.  Audiences were clearly put off by the sight of the tightly wound, malevolent Cheney as singing, dancing butler Billy Bojangles squiring around adorable four year old tap dance sensation Kentucky Thomas.  Though currently with no new projects online, Cheney maintains he "still has a lot of irons in the fire."

    Condoleeza Rice was a frequent sight on television in 2004 denying charges of fostering abuse in Iraqi prisons, denying misleading the public in the rabid run up to the war in Iraq, and denying any personal responsibility for the destruction of America's reputation throughout the world.  Now in 2008 there is no denying that Ms. Rice is one hot lady.  Her appearance in the December, 2007 Christmas issue of Playboy magazine wearing only a sprig of mistletoe and a strategically placed candy cane brought the fierce topless ideologue some much needed publicity after spending all of 2006 in jail on charges of obstruction of justice in the scandalous investigation of her failed web search engine dotcom start up CondyLoma.com.  Riding the wave of fame that accompanied her nude photo spread, Ms. Rice briefly starred in her own daytime talk show "Condy Says."  Sadly, the mass audiences never quite warmed to her brand of patronizing small talk and sullen defensiveness with her guests.  Still, hope springs eternal, and Ms. Rice is excited about her new line of casual teen sportswear "Just Condy" due to hit K-mart stores this fall.

    Of all the hot Republicans of 2004, former president George W. Bush has had the most unusual career path.  After being soundly thrashed in the election of 2004, Bush, or "W" as his friends call him, looked to the natural job prospect of selling his influence on Capitol Hill as a lobbyist.  He was quickly hired by Exxon as a Vice President on the corporate Board of Directors in February of 2005.  Sadly, Exxon and "W" parted ways after only six months when Mr. Bush neglected to attend any of the mandatory Board meetings and failed to report to any of his assigned lobbying engagements.  With no day job, Bush spent 2006 putting all his efforts into founding the George W. Bush Presidential Library in Crawford, Texas.  The elaborate five story edifice was quite impressive, yet it failed to capture the interest of the public.  Never a prolific writer or reader, the permanent exhibit of the George W. Bush Presidential Library consisted of a copy of Who Moved My Cheese, several paperback John Grisham novels, an unread copy of The Da Vinci Code, and several dozen dog-eared copies of Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues.  An expedition to Hollywood was also disastrous.  A sitcom pairing the former president with fat, out-of-control, redneck golfer John Daly aired for only two weeks.  Fox quicklycanceled "Beerman and Long John" due to extremely low ratings.  These days like so many other go-go Republicans, George Bush is quietly fading away.  His most recent venture is as the pitchman for Big W's Pure Pork Sausage.  Working out of a Winnebago all over the Southwest, the former president attends supermarket openings and state fairs promoting a new type of sausage he swears is the only brand "Fit for a President!"  As  he chats aimlessly to disinterested crowds of shoppers, George W. Bush must - like so many other Republicans - wistfully wish it was still 2004 and long for the days when just a smile, a wave, and a few lines of unintelligible gibberish had a nation of millions on the edge of their seats.  But sadly for Mr. Bush, those days are gone.