September 9, 2004

-The following is an excerpt from the September, 2004 edition of Cigar Aficionado magazine.

Dick Cheney Deluxe

    It is a late summer morning in Washington, DC.  In this election year full of hype and buzz, the men who control our country, the inner sanctum of the Bush administration, are hard at work in the White House.  These men bring an unparalleled level of commitment and passion to their work whether it is buffing up the latest unemployment figures, setting aggressive, new no-holds-barred international military policies, or casually smearing and opponent.  The old adage is work hard, play hard, and these powerbrokers and policy makers are no exception.  A  look around shows that these men bring the same passion and quest for excellence to there private lives, surrounding themselves with things of superior quality and excellent origin.  The underground parking lot is filled with dozens of Ferraris, each burnished to a gleaming shine.  Platinum and diamond encrusted Daniel Roth Turbillion watches glisten on many wrists.  Clusters of the most beautiful and luxuriously cosseted blonde Ukrainian teen prostitutes lounge just out of sight in lushly appointed private conference rooms.  In this environment of rank and privilege, one man towers above them all in influence and authority.

    Dick Cheney, standing five foot eight and hunched over a NSAC computer terminal running one hand over his bald pate the other scratching his ample paunch, is the picture of concentration as he uses the latest digital satellite recon photos to track his enemies.  Greeted initially with a gruff, "Who the f-ck are you and what the f-ck do you want?" the Vice President is quick to relax and flash his trademark crooked grin when he realizes his guest is a correspondent from Cigar Aficionado magazine.  In a flash, the security guards have released their choke holds and holstered their riot batons as Mr. Cheney leads the way back into his inner sanctum.

    In his opulent office located in a cozy corner of the top secret subterranean "Phantom Government" complex located seven levels below the White House, Cheney's workplace reflects his twin passions: the predatory acquisition and brutal use of power and the love of fine international cigars.

    The wall to his right is covered with a matrix  of over twenty-five high definition monitors linked to high resolution digital surveillance cameras tracking everyone from his nominal boss, George W. Bush ("Not a bad guy, but not a cigar smoker either," Cheney grouses in his trademark clipped monotone) to ordinary citizens at work or at home.  As Cheney focuses on a prominent Democrat congressional leader who is brushing his teeth in his office washroom, the Vice President notes mockingly. "Gotta keep an eye on him.  There might be a terrorist in there with him.  Then again there might be a terrorist in my f-cking humidor," he says with a dry little laugh.

    To whit, the left wall of the Vice President's office is dominated by a massive walk-in humidor.  At over 80 square feet, the state-of-the-art temperature and humidity controlled room houses an awesome collection of contemporary and vintage cigars.  The cedar planking emits a distinct fragrance counterbalanced by the rich alluring aroma of fine tobacco  After pulling up a pair of chairs and breaking out a brace of delightful 1989 Montecristo No. 1's, the great man spoke freely of his job, his hopes and dreams, and his passion for cigars.

    Of his power and his position, Cheney was frank.  "Being the most feared man on the Hill is great.  Of course, you can't have the fear without the hate, but, hell, I love the hate, too.  Keeps 'em honest," he says with a chuckle.

    Cheney speaks with considerable expertise on an amazing array of topics - many of which are highly classified and can't be revealed here - but his passion and fire truly rise to the surface when discussing his life long love of cigars.

    "I can remember the first cigar I ever had.  My partner and I had just broken a man - at that time a very powerful and respected man - and we had seized control of his corporation.  Well, we fired up a couple of big, fat Churchills.  Nothing fancy, just Cohiba Esplendidos, and had a victory smoke.  Since then, it has become a bit of a tradition with me," Cheney recalls as his eyes drift away into the past.

    "When I think of a great time, I think of the cigar I had.  Back in 2000 when we stole the election in Florida, Rummy and I had the most amazing double coronas ... two Punch Cubans  each from 1985.  That was a f-cking great smoke," he recalls fondly.

    Despite ever increasing heart problems and his doctor's repeated warnings, the Vice President remains a dedicated cigar smoker to this day.  "My doctor told me to quit smoking.  'Are you f-cking crazy?' I asked him.  I'd just as soon cut off my right arm or grow a f-cking conscience."

    An astonishingly well-informed connoisseur of fine tobacco, Cheney is quite particular in his selection of cigars with dozens of choices for a myriad of different circumstances and moods.

    "If I'm pumped up after locking away another billion dollar no bid contract for Halliburton, I'll fire up a figurando.  Something medium bodied and balanced like a La Tradicion Perdam Reserve Cameroon.  If I'm working on a tight schedule during the day planning a covert op or attending to the hundreds of details that keep the Phantom Government running, I may take a break for a robusto.   I favor a cigar with a strong draw and a complex blend of flavors like an Aurora 100 Anos.

    "For just a casual smoke between illegal cyber searches or after firing a few cruise missiles, I might have a petit corona.  I prefer the Cubans like a San Cristobal De La Habana.  Plenty of flavor to them and they burn well with a fine draw.  Damn good smokes," Cheney fondly recalls.

    When questioned about the wisdom of smoking an illegal Cuban cigar in these politically charged times of trade embargoes, Cheney is clearly nonplussed.  "I'll tell you why I smoke Cubans.  Reason Number One:  because I f-cking can.  Who's going to stop me?  John Kerry?  Don't make me laugh.  Reason Number Two:  because I want to, dammit.  And Reason Number Three: because in two years we'll f-cking own Cuba.  We'll turn the whole place into a huge f-cking Club Med," Cheney cackles.

       Though reluctant to elaborate on sensitive areas of foreign policy, the Vice President assured the readers of this publication that one of his campaign promises when he runs for president in 2008 will be more Cuban cigars on the market and deeper tax cuts for the super-rich who smoke them.

    Sitting back at ease in his walk-in humidor as the interview draws to an end, Cheney is clearly a man relishing the idea of combining his two passions.  "Yeah, tell your readers that!  'Cheney in 2008: More Cubans, Less Tax.'  That sounds like a winner.  Tell 'em they can take that one to the f-cking bank and smoke it," the great man muses as he stubs out the last of his Montecristo and gets back to doing the dirty work that makes this great nation run.