September 2, 2004

eSNOOPculture Celebrity Corner:  Republican National Convention Edition

-In hopes of covering the lighter side of the Republican National Convention, eSLASHculture sent its celebrity correspondent, the eSNOOPster to New York City for the festivities.

    Greetings from Fun City!  Though your humble eSNOOPster is not normally a political creature, it has been an eye-opening experience to leave the glitterati of Los Angeles  to cover the RNC celebrity circuit.  My hopes were not too high as most  talented writers and actors tend to avoid the Grand Old Party like Mariah Carey at a cocktail party.  In LA, every nitwit action hero or dim bulb hottie starlet is on a waiting list to host Democrat benefits to dethrone Bush.  In comparison, the Republicans have a distinct lack of star power.  Still, my convention experience kicked off with a bang as I had a chance encounter with that uber-star himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger.  As thrilling as it was to see the great man onstage denouncing John Kerry, making up facts about his homeland of Austria, and reducing the tenor of the national political debate to the level of something you might hear on a fourth grade playground, it was even more exciting to visit with the talent-free muscleman-cum-respected-elder-statesman one on one.  Just an hour after his nationally televised speech, I ran into the pumped up Right Wing pinup celebrating another successful performance at Top Hatz and Tailz, the down-at-heel strip joint two blocks from Madison Square Garden which has become the unofficial Republican National Headquarters for the week.  As I was in line at the lovely, complimentary buffet, I overheard the Gov regaling the flock of scantily clad working girls around him with tales of his convention experience.  "Dis is so funny, but I did not have time to write dat speech at all so I chust cobbled together some lines from my movies.  Dat part where I said, 'A vote for Kerry is like taking a flaming torch to the heart of our homeland' is from 'Conan the Destroyer.'  The part vhere I say, 'If you vote for Kerry, you will embrace the forces of darkness and unleash unspeakable evil on all mankind.'  Dat was from 'End of Days' right before I blew up Satan with dat great, big gun.  Now the part vhere I say, 'Chon Kerry vants to crush you under his bloody boot and hear the lamentations of your women'  dat is from 'Conan the Barbarian.'"

    After loading up his plate with a heaping pile of free buffalo wings and cocktail franks, the Teutonic ideologue returned to his table in the VIP lounge where he jovially mauled strippers, groped waitresses, and bought an endless series of lap dances with handfuls of the freshly minted gold Krugerrands that the GOP paid him for his speech.  Pausing for a moment to exchange pleasantries, I asked him about the rumors of his squeezing in filming of the hotly anticipated sequel to "Jingle All the Way" between legislative sessions and his campaign to amend the Constitution to allow Austrian bodybuilders to run for President.  Never one to stand on ceremony, the great man playfully grabbed yours truly by the neck, rubbed my face in his plate of greasy food and then with a cheerful grin threw me to the floor in a heap.  In a gesture of magnanimity, he grabbed a fistful of dollar bills from the g-string of the girl writhing on his lap and said, "Go wash your face, asshole, and get dat shitty suit cleaned while you're at it."  Oh Arnold, it's true what they say, "The bigger they are, the more likely they are to crush you like a grape," and in a funny kind of way isn't that what the whole Republican convention is all about?

        Wednesday's session was relatively celebrity-free until prime time when Republican booster and Vegas love god Wayne Newton arrived onstage to perform a few songs before introducing Vice President Dick Cheney.  For a moment, all the partisan sniping and libelous rhetoric came to a halt.  The Midnight Idol held the entire audience in the palm of his hand as he ran through his hits.  "Danke Schoen" was the big crowd pleaser.  Sadly, his final song was marred by an unpleasant incident.  One of those pesky protesters who so often spoiled the mood of the convention with their loathsome displays of free speech leapt onto the stage during the final chorus of "After the Loving."  She was  a pretty, little college student, and quick as a bunny she pulled out a homemade sign that read "No More Wars" and started waving it behind Newton as he crooned the timeless love ballad.  The crowd was stunned, and it is at times like these that true leaders come forward.  Leaping out from the wings in a flash, Dick Cheney flew across the stage like a man on fire.  With a lightning fast windmill kick, he knocked the sign out of the girl's hands.  Then before she could react he stood her up with a punishing right uppercut to her jaw.  Then the Vice President landed a flurry of brutal body blows to her chest and abdomen, and it was lights out and down she went.  The band and Mr. Newton wisely kept playing as Cheney sat astride the unconscious protester landing blow after blow with both fists.  The Secret Service agents had to pull the tightly wound Vice President off the limp body of the protester and drag him offstage as he screamed, "F-ck you! F-ck you, you dirty motherf-cker!  I'll kill you and all your f-cking friends!"  Fortunately, neither Newton, Cheney, nor the Secret Service agents were injured.  After a short delay as the body was carted away and the blood mopped up, Cheney was back onstage accepting the Vice Presidential nomination with a crooked smile and a quick rejoinder.  "Sorry about that, but nobody f-cks with Wayne Newton.  Not in my America!"  The audience roared its approval as the veep mugged for the cameras.

    On Thursday, once again Hollywood was not represented at the convention, but country music sent one its favorite sons to open the program before the arrival of President Bush.  Nashville's hottest young singer, Bucky Lovestump, took the stage in fine form.  Though a relative unknown before 9/11, the young Lovestump's songs of plainspoken patriotism have won him the love of the Heartland.  He kicked off the show with a rousing version of his first big hit "Osama Can Kiss My Ass (The Ugly American.)"  Flags waved and the crowd cheered at the young signer's patriotic tributes to America's bedrock virtues of vengeance, anger, and intolerance.  Looking every inch the all-American cowboy in his red, white, and blue chaps, glittery red spangled vest, and twenty gallon Stetson hat, Lovestump, a former fry cook at a Denny's in Passaic, New Jersey, got the crowd fired up with his platinum selling rowdy pro-war anthem "Take Iraq and Shove It (I Ain't Backin' Down.)"  With the crowd hooting and stamping along, he introduced a new song he had written expressly for the Republican National Convention, "Tell John Kerry (To Fondle My Balls.)"  With the arrival of President Bush just moments away, the hunky country heartthrob brought the appropriate gravitas to the moment as he closed his set with a heartfelt rendition of his popular new ballad "The Day Mama's American Eagle Cried on Old Glory (Never Forget My Ass.)"  There wasn't a dry eye in the house as the confetti cannons fired, the flags unfurled, and the red, white, and blue balloons dropped.  To be honest , the arrival of President Bush was anticlimactic.  As the usual promises of four more years of peace, prosperity, and harmony rang out, your humble eSNOOPster was quick to exit backstage to the Green Room where an all-star group of Republican entertainers were preparing for the post nomination ball.  Wandering past Pat Sajak, the Osmond Brothers, and Tom Selleck, yours truly desperately booked the first available flight back to El Lay where the lies seem more beguiling through their transparency, the promises more palatable through their patent absurdity, and the stars are beloved for their amorality and insincerity.  But that, of course, is the difference between show biz and politics.

    Until next time, the eSNOOPster reminds you to always keep your eyes on the ground and your feet on the stars!