August 19, 2004

Rush Limbaugh's Midnite LoveLines

-In the summer of 2004, Rush Limbaugh attempted to diversify.  Having already dominated the daytime talk radio/Right Wing hate monger market, Limbaugh branched out into the late evening hours introducing a more mature adult-oriented phone-in talk show.  "Rush Limbaugh's Midnite LoveLines" only ran for two weeks.  Here is a transcript of a portion of one of those shows as it depicts a softer, more sensual, adult side to the portly conservative demagogue.  Imagine - if you will - the radio station studio at midnight.  The harsh fluorescent lights have been dimmed.  Scented candles flicker and glow. Patchouli incense smokes sensually.  Rush Limbaugh dressed in a flowing black velvet caftan leans forward towards the microphone and takes a call.

RUSH:  Let's hear from Long Island.  This is Rob.  Thanks for calling and welcome to "Rush Limbaugh's Midnite LoveLines."

ROB:  Hey, Rush!  Good evening.  It is a pleasure to speak to you.  I can't believe I got through.

RUSH:  Well, I'm glad you did.

ROB:  Rush, I love your new direction and how you're spreading the truth that despite what the liberal media say Republicans  - good patriotic Americans - can have hot, satisfying sex.  Everybody thinks it's those Democrats smoking their weed and taking their Ecstasy and using their vibrators to have sex with  multiple partners that get all the action, but that couldn't be further from the truth.

RUSH:  I hear you, Rob.

ROB:  We conservatives can loosen up and get down, too.  I'm twenty-five and an assistant accounts manager at bank branch here in Long Island.  Great job, by the way.  Anyway, I got divorced last year ...

RUSH:  Sorry to hear about that.

ROB:  No problem.  She was a lying Liberal bitch.

RUSH:  Ouch!  That had to hurt.

ROB:  Anyway, I am back to playing the field, and I love it.  When I get off work on Thursdays, I usually head to a bar called Shooters with some of my Young Republican buddies.  There's a small women's college nearby, and the three-for-one drink specials usually bring in a lot of hot college girls.  Well, this past Thursday I saw this incredible girl across the room.  What a hottie!  I saw her from behind, and she was wearing a pair of those low rise pants.  You know, the really tight black spandex ones, Rush?

RUSH:  Oh yeah!  They really let you see what a lady's got cooking down south.

ROB:  Ditto, Rush.  Anyway, she had this perfect ass.  She must have been wearing a thong or had nothing on underneath at all ...

RUSH:  Oh yeah!  A little lady commando ...

ROB:  So she checks me out and then gives me this sexy little wink.   She had this beautiful, long, auburn hair - shoulder length - and brown eyes and full sensual lips with a smile that told you that she knew just what to do.  She had on one of those little, white, stretch lace halter tops and no bra.

RUSH:  Aaaah yeah!

ROB:  Well, after she checks me out and gives me that little naughty wink, I tell my buddies, "It's on!"  Then she grins at me and starts to suck on her long neck beer.  She chugs it all down, licks her lips, then she waves the empty at me just begging me to go over and buy her another one.  I straighten my tie and real quick I buy another Bud Light for her and work my way through the crowd.  Well, I tap her on the shoulder with the cold bottle then she gives a little shiver, sees me, smiles and turns around and I look down at her chest and I couldn't believe it ...

RUSH:  Big ones,  huhn?  A really big rack?  Oh yeah!

ROB:  No! ... I mean, yes, she did have a really great rack and all, but she was wearing a "Kerry/Edwards 2004" campaign button.

RUSH:  Ouch!  Buzz kill!

ROB:  Damn right!

RUSH:  So what did you do?  Did you nail her anyway?

ROB:  Hell no! I threw some of that beer in her face and called her a dyke.

RUSH:  Whoah!  Did  that make her hot?

ROB:  No, she slapped me and cursed me out.

RUSH:  So then what did you do?

ROB:  I drank the rest of my beer then I went home and masturbated.

RUSH:  Too bad, but I respect your ideological purity, my brother.  Our next caller is Don from Dayton, Ohio.  Hello, Don, and welcome to LoveLines.

DON:  Thanks, Rush.  Great to talk to you.  I can't believe I got through.

RUSH:  Nice to have you on the show with us.

DON:  I just wanted to say that just like Rob from Long Island, I'm a staunch Republican and a masturbator, too.

RUSH:  There's no shame in that game, Don.  Sometimes a man's got to do what a man's got to do.

DON:  Especially when all those stuck up Liberal chicks won't put out.  Anyway, sometimes I do it four or five times a day, and you know what really turns me on, Rush?

RUSH:  What's that?

DON:  Politics.  I know it sounds weird, but as a Republican I find political figures to be incredibly powerful and sexually charged.  I mean sometimes I will be watching Fox News with the sound turned off and my mind will wander and I start to fantasize.  Like if Greta Van Susteren is doing a story, any story, I'll start to imagine she's with me.  Maybe she's wearing a little skirt or something.  Greta always looks so hot in skirts ...

RUSH:  You bet.  She's a very sexy lady.

DON:  Or maybe it will be Condoleezza Rice testifying before the Senate or announcing the spread of further hostilities in the Middle East.  Ooooh, Rush, she really gets to me.  That sultry face, that provocative mix of anger and condescension, the fire of passion in her eyes ...

RUSH:  A very lovely lady.  Very exotic, but not my type.

DON:  And what about Laura Bush?  She's so dignified and proper, but you just know down deep she must be afire with passion.

RUSH:  Careful now.  She's the President's wife.  The mother of our country, so to speak.

DON:  I know.  That's what makes her so hot!  Sometimes ... maybe I shouldn't even be telling you this since it's so dirty ...

RUSH:  We're all grown ups here on Midnite LoveLines.  Nothing is dirty in the world of sensuality.  Eroticism comes in many different forms.

DON:  Well, sometimes they'll show a clip of Theresa Heinz-Kerry and I'll gaze at her and touch myself and fantasize about her.  Does that make me bad?  Am I a sick bastard for thinking about a Democrat like that, Rush?

RUSH:  As long as the fantasies involve disciplining her or in some way degrading her I don't think it's a problem, but you're getting pretty close to the edge there.

DON:  Then some nights I'll just flip over to CNN and - I know this may shock you - but have you ever really looked at Hillary Rodham Clinton?  That heart-shaped face, those sullen, bee-stung lips, those sultry, pouting breasts ....

RUSH:  (Loud click as phone hangs up)  You are a sick bastard!  Next we have Stan from Detroit.

STAN:  Hey, Rush!  It's great to be on the show and big dittos from the Motor City.

RUSH:  Thanks, Stan.

STAN:  Rush, getting back to what your first caller said, I agree that there's no rule that says Republican' can't have great sex, too, aside from all the masturbating while watching Fox News.  My wife and I have been married for ten years now.  I'm the CFO for a mid-sized auto parts company and she's in-house counsel and a damn fine lawyer, I might add.  We're lifelong Republicans, but to be honest, the fire had gone out of our love life over the last few years.

RUSH:  It happens, Stan.  Even to good, honest conservatives.

STAN:  Well, a marriage counselor we know who also happens to belong to a PAC we started to funnel soft money into the Bush campaign to fund unscrupulous attack ads gave us a few tips that have got the flames of passion blazing for us again.

RUSH:  What's your sexy secret?

STAN:  Role playing, Rush.  After work, we loosen up and have a couple of glasses of merlot or a petite shiraz.  Then we'll head back to the bedroom.  She'll be there first and we'll have some candles going and some soft music.  She'll change into some cheap, trashy lingerie she bought at a K-mart and stretch out on the bed.  I'll light a big fat Cuban cigar and sidle up to her and start to rub her back with some massage oil, usually musk or sandalwood.  I'll get her all loosened up, and then I'll whisper in her ear, "Oooh, baby, I'm a Republican."  Well, at first she pulls back and says, "I can't.  I'm a Democrat, but that feels so good!"  After I've calmed her down and done her neck and shoulders, I'll whisper to her, "I want to elect Bush again, and then I want to cut taxes for the rich even more."  By now she wants to stop, but she can't as shivers of passion tingle up her spine as I start to massage lower.  "Oh, you dirty, dirty man with your big, fat deficit."  She pretends to struggle as I roll her over.  Then I say, "I want to have a constitutional ban on gay marriage and mandatory Christian prayer in school."  "Oh, you intolerant bastard!  I know you and your fat cat Right Wing cronies are evil, but I can't resist you.  Take me!"  Well, it just gets hotter and hotter.  I grab her hair and say, "I'll teach you, you liberal vixen."  "Faster, faster you cruel heartland conservative!" she growls.  Then it gets hotter and more and more intense.  "I'm rich!" I yell as I am getting closer.  "I'm poor," she gasps.  "Feminazi!" I cry out.  "Neo-fascist warmonger," she yelps.  Then as we barrel to a shuddering, intense double climax we both yell out together, "Screw the poor!  Screw the poor!  Screw the poor!"  I have to tell you, Rush, it is the most incredible sex we've had in years.  The amazing sexual power I felt pretending I was dominating and ravishing a Democrat had me pumping like a fire hydrant.  We were just like teenagers again.

RUSH:  Wow, it sounds like ideological role playing has opened up a whole new world of sensual possibilities to you.

STAN:  This is just the beginning.  We're thinking of doing it in the voting booth on Election Day.  She'll pretend to vote for Kerry then I'll spank her, change her vote, and we'll get it on right there in the polling place, Rush.

RUSH:  Perhaps this is not for everyone, but maybe some of you more adventurous folks might want to give it a try.  I have a feeling Stan and his wife won't be the only ones getting screwed on Election Day.  But please remember to vote responsibly.  Coming up next after the break on "Rush Limbaugh's Midnite LoveLines" we have Steve, Louise, and their tale of a ménage a trois with a Libertarian.  Steamy stuff.  Don't go away!