August 5, 2004

-The following is an excerpt from FoxNews.com's election year coverage "You Decide 2004."

FOX NEWS:  EYE ON THE ISSUES

As part of Fox News' ongoing election coverage, we will focus each week on a different section of the Presidential candidate's platforms providing objective and unbiased analysis of the Republican and Democrat positions on key issues.  This week:

PLANK 27 - SOCIAL ISSUES

Public Indecency

-Bush advocates a return to the bedrock American family values that made our nation great.  Bush states that his first action once re-elected will be to command Attorney General John Ashcroft to arrest and indict Janet Jackson on charges of felonious immorality, public licentiousness, and corrupting the youth of America.  He will instruct Ashcroft to seek the maximum sentence including prison time, fines in excess of $700,000 and a public flogging.  Says Bush, "In these times of war and terror, remember our armed forces are fighting to preserve the right of all Americans to express their opinions freely as long as they conform to appropriate standards and the federally mandated and strictly enforced rules of conduct."

-Kerry supports developing a new medal of merit to honor patriotic advocates of freedom of speech and artistic freedom of expression.  The first Legionnaire of the First Amendment Medal will be awarded to Janet Jackson.  Honoring her achievements, Kerry will order that a portrait of the bare-breasted, aging, and frankly a little scary sex kitten will hang in every U.S. library, post office, and federal courthouse.  Drug addled, has-been rocker Courtney Love will be appointed to the newly created cabinet level position of Minister of Public Indecency.

Gay Marriage

-Bush will push for not only a constitutional amendment forbidding Gay unions and preserving the sanctity of marriage, but he will also forcefully hammer out a new statute making buggery and all forms of Gay sex a federal offense.  The administration will serve notice to the Gay elite of Left Wing libertines including prominent actors, poets, and playwrights that any documented episode of Gay sex will result in a mandatory sentence of five years in a federal penitentiary.

-Kerry will openly embrace Gay marriage and push for legalization in all fifty states.  He will also institute the first ever National Gay Draft with all citizens obliged to register upon their eighteenth birthday.  One in fifty will be drafted, sent to Gay Boot Camp, and forced to pair off and marry for a minimum of five years in the Gay National Service.

Education

-Bush in his platform calls for continued support for the No Child Left Behind Act as well as initiating the Make a Child Pray in School Program to promote progressive testing, academic support, and early indoctrination.

-Kerry supports the Send Your Children to Hell Pact which calls for a radical overhaul of the public school system.  All current certified educators will be terminated and replaced with witches, serial killers, psychotic apes, and evil robots sworn to destroy the moral fiber and intellect of your children while they mock your entire way of life.

Eye on the Issues is a part of Fox News fair and balanced election coverage.  Over the coming weeks, look forward to more in depth and impartial coverage of the candidates and their stands on the issues that effect you.