April 1, 2004

-The following is an excerpt from the April 2, 2004 edition of USA TODAY, Blue section.

Fetal Rights Bill Passes

    In a major win for social conservatives, Congress has passed legislation that would expand the legal rights of the unborn by making it a crime to harm a fetus during on assault on a pregnant woman.  The bill will be sent to President Bush who has made it clear that he will sign it into law making fetal rights a priority for his embattled administration.

    The current bill is limited in scope, but proponents see this bill as a key piece of legislation in establishing long overdue, much needed fetal rights.  Leonard Falterman, a nationally prominent fetus on Capitol Hill and the president of the Fetus Advocacy Council, applauded the bill.  "With the president's signature our nation will be one giant step closer to rebuilding a culture where all fetuses are given the protection and the rights they so clearly deserve."

    At an impromptu victory party at political hot spot The Boatman Restaurant, Falterman, several of his fellow lobbyists, and over a dozen jubilant fetuses gathered for drinks and to celebrate the passage of the landmark bill.  Falterman looked towards a brighter future for fetuses in America.  "The bill is just the first step towards rectifying the terrible injustices fetuses face every day in American society.  Did you know that right here in America, the land of the free, a fetus cannot buy a house, legally drive a car, or even own a handgun?" Falterman said.

    Although President Bush and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist have claimed credit for the Fetus Rights Act, Falterman gives the kudos to America's fetuses themselves.  "The fact is that Bush and the Republican leadership were merely reacting to a groundswell of grassroots support for the bill.  All over America from big city fetuses in Boston to small town Midwestern fetuses in Nebraska, fetuses have been reaching for their computers and phones and inundating Congress with e-mails and calls." Wiping an emotional tear from his little eye, Falterman added, "It just makes you proud to be a fetus."

    Though many law makers have openly applauded the Fetal Rights Act, some political insiders see the bill as putting into play a series of more controversial fetus-related topics on Capitol Hill.  Senate insider James Babble was frank in his criticism.  "Don't get me wrong," Babble said.  "I love fetuses.  Hell, I used to be one myself.  However, this Fetal Rights Act opens up a whole new can of worms.  Next we will be hearing about whether illegal alien fetuses should have the same rights when they are residing within America's borders.  Then there are issues like fetal Affirmative Action, fetal rights in the workplace, tax breaks for fetuses, set asides, and preferential contracting for fetus owned companies.  Mark my words, it is only a matter of time before they'll be pushing for Gay fetal marriages.  The cat is definitely out of the bag now.  Fetuses have become a political football."

    Many key election year topics loom large on the Bush agenda:  the disastrous war in Iraq, the stagnant, crumbling economy, and the massive, crushing Federal deficit.  However, President Bush has courageously ignored these "softball" topics in his campaign rhetoric, choosing instead to focus his energies on addressing the nation's true greatest concerns:  Janet Jackson's right breast, same sex marriages, and fetus rights.