March 18, 2004

-The following is an excerpt from Beltway Babble-on, a weblog from Washington,DC political insider James Babble who writes exclusively for eSLASHculture.

2004 Republican Presidential Endorsements

    Greetings from deep inside the Beltway!  It may only be March, but lurking in the heart of the Republican Party machine, the panic level has already reached a fever pitch as the re-election campaign has begun to run off the rails.  Though the Great Man himself - George Dubyah - remains as always blissfully unaware, his handlers and fixers are increasingly desperate.  With John Kerry shaping up as a far tougher opponent than presumed patsy, whack-job Howard Dean, the re-election committee has decided it needs an additional 200 million dollars in the coffers to pay for everything from around-the-clock attack ads to sacks of under-the-counter cash for GOP dirty tricksters.  The paranoia and fear at this point can only be described as Nixonian.  As the limits of "soft money" donations and other legal contributions have already been met, the Team Bush brain trust has hit upon the novel idea of endorsements.  No, no, not getting that windbag Rush Limbaugh or that tightwad Bill O'Reilly to jabber their approval.  No, my secret inside sources tell me on the QT that by this weekend George Bush will announce corporate sponsorships for his campaign.  Says my source, "Hell, when the Rolling Stones go on tour, they are 'presented by Microsoft' and rake in 30 million bucks right out of the gate.  Did you see the national championship Sugar Bowl this year? ... The Nokia Sugar Bowl, that is.  Corporate sponsorships are a legit part of the popular landscape now. Why not adopt corporate partners for the re-election campaign?  Of course, everything will be dignified and first class.  Only blue chip companies are being offered the once in a lifetime chance to sponsor Bush/Cheney 2004."

    My source confirms that starting next week all press materials will read "Bush/Cheney 2004 Presented By Exxon."  Any appearance George Dubyah makes on the campaign trail will have signage - dignified, presidential signage -  stating "This campaign stop brought to you by Shell."  Though Dick Cheney will be less visible on the re-election trail, whenever he does appear, springing stealthily from his secret phantom government fortress, all his speeches will be close captioned and interpreted in sign language courtesy of Halliburton.  The evil megacorporation will provide this service free of charge while only interrupting the speeches and press conferences for commercial breaks of five minutes every half hour.  Their campaign slogan, "We pay Dick Cheney so you don't have to" has struck a strong positive note with test audiences so far.  With just these key sponsorships in place, over $100 million dollars has already been raised.  If you ask me, it is a triumph of political genius, innovation, and marketing synergy.

    Of course, if Bush's numbers fail to improve soon in the polls, don't  be surprised to see Team Bush open the floodgates to a second lucrative wave of sponsorships by July 4th.  On tap are tentative deals with Anheiser-Busch ( "Bush/Cheney/Bud:  True!"), Marlborough ("Smoke those Liberals, George!  The Marlborough Man Votes Bush"), and Kentucky Fried Chicken ( "Try our new Atomic Right Wings and Vote Bush/Cheney 2004.")  Massive print and television tie-in ad campaigns will help establish the Bush/Cheney "brand" as well as touting a line of products that every American can be proud of supporting. 

    In the spring, the cross marketing will be understated with Bush and Cheney merely wearing tasteful Exxon, Shell, or Halliburton lapel pins while campaigning.  However, if the re-election campaign is still floundering late into August, don't be surprised if you see Bush and Cheney giving stump speeches dressed up like NASCAR drivers with every square inch of their matching jumpsuits covered with ads paid for by patriotic sponsors touting everything from low cost car insurance to beef jerky.  As elder conservative statesman Robert Zimmerman once said, "You'd better start swimming or you'll sink like a stone."  For Republicans, it is definitely time to strap on the water wings and start paddling.

Democrats Ponder Veep Choices

    Across town in DC, the Democrat  leadership faces an entirely different problem.  They feel confident that they finally have in John Kerry a presidential candidate that - unlike Al Gore - regular Americans can vote for without making themselves actually physically sick in the process.  However, the greatest stumbling block ahead is the key choice of a running mate for Kerry.  The last thing party leadership wants is to face what they call "The Lieberman Factor" - a vice-presidential candidate so inept and unappealing that even the party faithful have a hard time stomaching him.  The pickings of the Democratic Party mainstays are pretty slim this year.  Candidates like Howard Dean and Dicky Gebhardt test terribly in the polls as running mates.  My inside sources tell me that at long last the Democrats are finally thinking "outside the box" in trying to select a popular candidate for the useless but cosmetically important post of Vice President.  The party task force has split over two options for choosing a running mate.  The younger party fixers favor staging a nationally televised competition to select one of the "American Idol" finalists from the last two years to run for Veep.  Simon Cowell and the rest of the "American Idol" staff have proposed a three week competition where past "Idol" standouts will have a series of primetime showdowns signing everything from Motown to Broadway to Hip Hop while being openly mocked by the panel of judges.  The diversity and high curb appeal of an "American Idol" star would guarantee a strong turnout in the popular vote.  It is easy to picture a soulful Ruben Stoddard lumbering around shaking hands, belting out Luther Vandross ballads, and getting out the vote down south for Kerry.  Even that screechy Kelly Clarkson could turn out disenfranchised female voters while tottering down the campaign trail in her high heels.  However, even the staunchest proponents of the plan quake with fear at the prospect of that weasel Clay Akin being just a heartbeat away from the Presidency of the United States of America.  Plan B for the committee is to buy primetime advertising on CBS and announce that the winner of this season's "Survivor All Stars" will automatically win the Democratic Vice Presidential nomination in addition to a massive cash prize.  A filthy, amoral, borderline psychopath might be just the right person to stand up to Dick Cheney during a Vice Presidential debate.   Planners for the Democratic ticket fantasize about a dream scenario where the two choices are combined and an "American Idol" and a "Survivor" are locked in a steel cage for some sort of blood match to pick a winner. To those well versed in presidential campaign politics, this will look hauntingly familiar as it embodies the centuries old spirit of the Democratic National Convention.  Check your TV listings for the action-packed results!

    In the meantime, stay tuned to "Beltway Babble-on" for all the latest poop, scoop, and scams from deep inside DC.