March 11, 2004

On Britney:  Part Two

Britney Spears:  Girl Detective

-The following is an excerpt from The Curse of The Jeweled G-string:  A Britney Spears Mystery published by the Scholastic Book Company.

    "Look out, Britney!"  yelled Bess  Marvin, the multi-platinum selling pop star's best friend since high school and the wardrobe mistress for the sold out "In The Zone With Britney" tour.

    With barely a second to spare, Britney Spears flexed her lithe dancer's body and leapt across the stage.  She landed precariously on the front edge of the orchestra pit, tottering dangerously over the twenty foot drop in her six inch stiletto heels.  Above her, the huge, fifty foot long, pink paper mache phallus prop tumbled to the ground landing heavily with a crash.  It left a gash in the stage right where just a split second before Britney had been writhing suggestively during her rehearsal of the show's big climax, the "Oops, I Did It Again" number. 

    "Britney, are you okay?" asked George Fayne, Bess' cousin and Britney's personal assistant, girl friend and confidante, as she rushed over.

    "I'm all right," Britney said, adjusting her tiny black rubber miniskirt  and tucking her large breasts back into the cups of the matching black rubber bra.  "I just got a little shaken up."  Brushing the strawberry blonde hair off her forehead, she gazed out across the five thousand empty seats of the Rock Hard Casino's theater.

    "That was a close call," George said as the stage manager and crew hoisted the massive, shiny, pink phallus back up to where it was supposed to hover over center stage.  "The tour starts tonight, Britney, and that's the third 'accident' this week."  George ran a hand through her short, dark hair as she looked out into the empty concert hall.  "I can't believe that Mr. Lockwood isn't here.  He's the manager of the Rock Hard Casino, and it's his big show that is being threatened."

    "That's where you're wrong, George," Britney proclaimed as she quietly stepped across the stage.  With a flourish, she whipped the curtain off the mirrored mock up jetliner restroom used for the "Mile High Club" number.  "He's been right here all along.  Right, Mr. Lockwood?"

    Rising from the set where he had been crouching, Jerome Lockwood, a tall, imposing man with iron gray hair and a dark, rich tan, stood.  Straightening his expensive Italian suit and pulling up his fly, Lockwood acted nonchalant.  "Sure, I was watching.  I like to keep a close eye on my interests."

    "Your interests?  Do you mean this?"  Britney asked.  In a flash, she pulled off her tiny rubber miniskirt to reveal a g-string encrusted with rubies, diamonds, and emeralds which glistened against the pop star's freshly waxed crotch. 

    "It's the Zagora thong!" Bess gasped.  "Mr. Lockwood said it had been stole and that the thief had called him to demand five hundred thousand dollars ransom for it to be returned in time for the opening night of the tour."

    "Britney, how did you get it?"  George asked in amazement.  "The last two strippers who wore that thong in the 1970's died.  They say there is a curse on it.  It is priceless and insured by Lloyd's of London for three million dollars."

    "And it was stolen from my wardrobe safe just last week when all the mysterious accidents began here at the Rock Hard Casino," Bess added as she knelt in front of Britney and closely inspected the glittery thong.  "But this is it."

    "It is, but maybe you'd like to get a closer look, Mr. Lockwood," Britney said, a gleam in her eye that Bess and George knew too well from many other cases.

    "I'll take your word for it, Miss Spears," Lockwood said as he edged towards the backstage exit.

    "No, I insist, Mr. Lockwood.  Come look at it carefully.  I am sure the insurance company will want you to vouch for it since you paid all those premiums."

    Reluctantly, Lockwood walked over to center stage.  He hesitated then got down on his knees in front of the pop star sleuth and brought his face close to her glittery nether regions to inspect the jeweled g-string.

    "Yes," Lockwood said, trying to sound innocent and casual.  "This is it, but ..."

    Striking quickly before Lockwood could get to his feet, Britney snapped her legs shut around his head.  Like the jaws of a bear trap, her muscular thighs and calves subdued the fraudulent felon.  He struggled, but under the crushing power of her leggy embrace, he crumpled to the floor completely subdued by the busty, amateur girl detective.

    In just moments, the Las Vegas police filled the theater.  As he was handcuffed by Val Nanceworth, the handsome young detective on the case, Britney released her choke hold, and Lockwood fell over on the ground gasping for breath.

    "I can't believe it, Britney," Bess said.  "You recovered the jewels and cracked the case, too!  I never would have guessed that Lockwood was the thief."

    "Yes, Britney, he had me fooled, too," George chimed in.  "I thought it was prim, proper, and disapproving City Councilwoman Catherine Selfridge or madman, flamboyant magician Xaverino."

    "Certainly Xaverino was jealous of the show, and Catherine Selfridge had her own reasons for trying to shut down the tour," Britney said as she slipped off  the jeweled g-string and handed it to Bess.  "But a little voice in my breasts kept telling me that it was more than coincidence that Lockwood just happened to be around both at the orgy where our dancers Lisa and Simone were injured and at the bondage club where our DJ, Jammin' Jimmy, had that Ecstasy overdose."

    Removing the black rubber bra top and slipping on a mink bikini as the police filed past, Britney continued.  "When Bess and I snuck into his office last night and found the receipts for Lockwood's gambling debts from down the street at the Bellagio and his bills from the transsexual prostitute escort service, my breasts started to tingle with suspicion.  When we added them up and the total came to five hundred thousand dollars, the same amount as the ransom demand for the g-string, I knew my breasts were right again, and we had our man."  While she was tucking her famous bosoms into the furry cups of the mink bikini and explaining how she cracked the case, handsome, young Detective Nanceworth looked on in awe.  "You're amazing, Britney," he sighed.

    "Thanks, detective," Britney said as she began to oil up her bottom and thighs for the rehearsal for the big "Slave 4 U" number.  "Take him away, boys," she called out to the waiting police squad.

    As the lighting director turned on the disco ball and the stage manager cued up her pre-recorded vocals and sent out the dancers in guerilla suits, Britney called out, "Come on, gang!  We've got a show to put on!"

      -Don't miss the next Britney Spears Mystery coming soon from Scholastic Books:  The Case of the Perilous Piercings.