March 7, 2004

On Britney:  Part One

The Concert

In a happy, affluent suburban home after dinner, DAD knocks on his fifteen year old daughter's door and steps in.  KATIE is hard at work on a paper for her English Lit class, but, happy to see her Dad, she shuts the lid of her laptop down and looks up with a smile.

DAD:  Katie, I've got great news for you!

KATIE:  What is it, DAD?

DAD:  I was downtown today and I got you a really special present for your birthday.

KATIE:  But Dad, my birthday was last month and you got me this cool new laptop and an iPOD.

DAD:  I know, honey, but a girl's fifteenth birthday doesn't come along every day.  These are for you ...

DAD gives KATIE an envelope.  She opens it and pulls out four concert tickets.

KATIE: Wow!  Four tickets to ... a Britney Spears concert?

DAD:  I knew you would be excited!

KATIE:  Actually, Dad, excited isn't the right word.  I mean it is really thoughtful and all and I appreciate the present, but I'm not much of a Britney fan anymore.

DAD:  I just couldn't resist as I was downtown at lunch time walking past the Ticketmaster kiosk.  Remember when I took you to her concert last year?  You were on cloud nine.

KATIE:  That was four years ago, Dad, and I was just eleven.

DAD:  But you had such a great time.

KATIE: I was eleven.  I didn't know any better.

DAD:  But you still love Britney.  All you teenage girls just worship her on you MTV and your TRL and all that stuff.

KATIE:  Actually, all my friends and I are into the Beatles now.  Britney is totally over.

DAD:  No way!  She's all over the TV these days.  This tour is supposed to be the biggest show of the year.  I've read all about it.  It is supposed to be very exotic and mature, but you're a big girl now.  I'm sure you can handle it.  I'll bet half your high school class will be there.  Since you can't get your driver's permit for another six months, I thought I'd drive you there in the Explorer and we could see a concert together just like in the old days.

KATIE:  That's a very sweet thought, Dad, but Britney's not really my cup of tea anymore.

DAD:  You've got to be kidding!  She's the hottest singer out there right now.  She's huge!

KATIE:  She's a huge dirty, old skank, Dad.  have you seen her videos lately?

DAD:  Well, yes ... sometimes they play them on VH1.  It's really cool, cutting edge stuff if I recall.

KATIE:  Britney rubbing up against that pathetic old Madonna?  Britney sexing up some old guy in an airplane bathroom?  Eeewww!  She's just gross!  I hate her.

DAD:  Well, pumpkin, maybe if you gave her another chance.  There's some really good stuff on her new album.

KATIE:  It's just a lot of grunting and groaning with a drum machine in the background.  Honestly, it is embarrassing.  For goodness sake, she's already twenty-two or something.  She is so completely over it is not even funny.

DAD:  Gee, honey, I don't know about all that.  I read about this new tour in the USA TODAY, and they said it was really avant guard.  It's called "The Onyx Hotel Tour" and it's supposed to be incredible.  It's all about where fantasy and reality meet. It's supposed to be a profound awakening of the senses.

KATIE:  That's all well and good, Dad, but I'm sure that basically it will all boil down to about seventy minutes of her writhing around the floor in six or seven different colored g-strings, lip-synching to her crummy songs, and rubbing herself like she has some kind of rash.  My  fantasy is not see it.  By the way, why did you get four tickets?

DAD:  Well, I mentioned the show to Uncle Roger, and he said it would be a great chance to get you and Caleigh together to have some fun.

KATIE:  Caleigh?  Dad, she's only ten years old.  There's no way she should be going to see Britney's strip show.  She's still playing with Barbie dolls and watching "SpongeBob Squarepants."

DAD:  Roger thought it would just be a fun night out for you girls.

KATIE:  Oh, now I get it!  All Uncle Roger wants to do is drag Caleigh along as an excuse so he can sit there and perv on skanky old Britney Spears for an hour and a half.  That's gross.  Why can't he just go to a Hooters or something?

DAD:  Now, Katie, that's not a nice thing to say about your Uncle Roger.  This was supposed to be a nice surprise, a present.

KATIE:  Well, thanks, Dad.  I know that it's the thought that counts, but I really don't want to go to see Britney Spears and her gross out sex show.

DAD:  I'm sorry to hear that.  I mean I got the tickets just for you, but I suppose you're right.  The business about Caleigh being too young is a little  worrying.

KATIE:  Maybe you can get your money back.

DAD:  No, the tickets are non-refundable.

KATIE:  Gosh, I'm sorry Dad.  I really don't know what to do.

DAD:  Actually, there are a couple of guys at the office who might go with Roger and I in a pinch ...

KATIE:  That sounds great, Dad.

DAD:  ... and I would hate to see these tickets go to waste.  We got great seats.  They're on the fifth row, right in the middle.  It would be a shame not to use them.

KATIE:  You're absolutely right, Dad.

DAD:  Look, could I get you a t-shirt or a poster or something while we're there?

KATIE:  That's okay, Dad.  You and Uncle Roger and your friends go and have a good time.  Looking at my schedule, I see I have a big math test the next day anyway.

DAD:  So I guess it's all for the best then.  Well, happy birthday anyway, honey.

KATIE:  Thanks, Dad.  It really was sweet of you to think think of me.

DAD gets up and leaves, closing the door.

KATIE:  Eeewww!  Skanky old Britney Spears!  Gross!