March 1, 2004

eSLASHnews Roundup

PETA Push For Town Name Change Fails

Slaughter, Oklahoma:  People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals are still recovering from their well-publicized failed campaign to change the name of the Oklahoma town of Slaughterville.  Even though there are no slaughterhouses in Slaughterville, PETA vegan campaign coordinator Ravi Chand states that "the name conjures up images of intense slaughter."  After presenting his proposal at a town meeting this week, town officials unanimously rejected the requested name change.  "The idea that folks from up North with funny names like this Ravioli fellah can come down here and make a mockery of our small town heritage and treat us like illiterate backwoods rednecks just sickens me," said Mayor Randall Spittle.  "Next thing you know, they will be telling the folks across the county line in Incest, Oklahoma to change their name.  Towns like Buggery, Mississippi, Redneck Hoodlum, Arkansas, or Roll In Your Own Vomit, Texas will be subjected to this kind of liberal-backed publicity stunt."

    Branford Pigcrap, the President of the Association of Horribly Named Backwoods Towns agrees.  "The idea that some fancy, college-educated smart ass pinkos can come in and stir up all this fuss is contemptible.  It is simply absurd."  Responding from his organization's bureau in his hometown of Cowraper, Kansas,  Pigcrap pledged legal and moral support from his organization to any town, no matter how stupidly named, that faces similar challenges from PETA.

Group Calls For Boycott of Gibson's "Passion"

Des Moines, Iowa:  Already embroiled in controversy, Mel Gibson's film "The Passion of The Christ" faces charges of prejudice and misrepresentation from yet another advocacy group.  Augustus Aurelius XXXVIII, spokesman for the the Roman Centurion Anti-Defamation Society, has called for a worldwide boycott of the bloody and controversial new film.  "Mr. Gibson in his narrow-minded interpretation of events clearly has chosen to vilify Roman centurions in his brutal new film.  He misrepresents these hard-working peacekeepers.  Serving their nation far from home and helping to stabilize a volatile situation in the Middle East, these centurions are invariably presented as cruel, sadistic thugs bent on destroying civilization.  My group represents generations of families descended from the Roman centurions and we ask, Has Mr. Gibson never read a history book?  Doesn't he know that for centuries hard-working Roman centurions worked throughout the known world to promote free trade, spread modern culture, and enforce the bedrock, solid, conservative principles of martial law?  Whenever a movie like this comes along, you never see a legionnaire teaching a young boy in Gaul to read or centurions building an aqueduct in Egypt.  No, it's always with the swords and the whips and the nails.  It makes me sick."

    Aurelius XXXVIII, a direct descendent of Roman centurions, works with his advocacy group as watchdogs to preserve the reputation of Roman centurions in the contemporary media.  During a heated protest in front of the Des Moines Plaza Lane 20 Theater where the film is showing, Aurelius XXXVIII led over twenty picketers who brandished signs.  Addressing filmgoers through a bull horn Aurelius XXXVIII was strident in his condemnation of the movie.  "Friends, Romans, countrymen," he said, "Lend me your ears!  Just say 'no' to Gibson and his revisionist claptrap.  If you're a Roman centurion, if you're a centurion, if you're a Roman, if you're a Roman Catholic, walk away from this insult to your heritage.  There are still plenty of seats left for the Adam Sandler movie next door."

Sandler Branded Anti-Semitic By "Passion" Advocacy Group

Huntsville, Alabama:  A newly organized advocacy group The Believers and Friends of "The Passion" (TBFOTP) has condemned top box office superstar Adam Sandler, and publicly accused him of anti-Semitism.  After a pro-Roman centurion organization in Des Moines, Iowa recently endorsed Sandler's new romantic comedy "Fifty First Dates" by saying it was superior to hot topic film "The Passion of the Christ," the group issued a statement through spokesman Huntley Panniculus:  "As advocates of this powerful new illuminating film, we are unwilling to see it mocked and criticized by an ignorant and insensitive fringe advocacy group.  We don't want to seem like extremists, but we feel that "Passions' is the only film that should be currently showing in any theaters across this great nation.  If Mr. Sandler wants to claim that his film is more important than Mr. Gibson's film, then we feel obliged to call him out and accuse him of that most heinous of vices, anti-Semitism."

Sandler, in a brief comment while playing a round of golf at the Palm Desert Pro-Am, clarified his stance on the issue.  "Anti-Semitic?  I'm a Jew, you idiots.  Shut up, you morons."  Seemingly unable to steer clear of controversy, Sandler was immediately berated by political action group Watchdogs For The Mentally Impaired (WFTMI.)  Said spokeswoman Claire Matrasky, "Sandler in his films, in his actions, and in his words consistently mocks the mentally handicapped.  His attitude is hurtful, blameful, and shameful.  We don't want to sound like another one of those inane, fringe groups, but Adam Sandler and his brand of behavior have got to be stopped."