February 21, 2004

-The following is an excerpt from the February, 2004 issue of Hot Rodder Magazine:

NASCAR's Rebel Racer

    Ever since its founding more than 40 years ago, NASCAR has been a refuge for rebels, lone wolves, and rule breakers.  Hot headed good old boy drivers who aren't afraid to crease a few fenders and break a few rules on their way to the checkered flag and don't mind a few beers and some horseplay are the rule for NASCAR rather than the exception.  However, NASCAR's deep south roots and down home style have gotten a jolt this season from a new rebel racer unlike any they have seen before.

    Says respected pit chief Doyle "Sleepy" Wilson, "Hot damn, we've seen all kinds of drivers:  freaks, wild boys, ex-cons, you name it.  We've even had women drivers, a couple of blacks, and there is even talk in the pits that there have been a few fellahs who were a little light in their loafers, if you know what I mean, but nothing prepared us for Lefty."

    Marvin "Lefty" Waldenmeyer, a rookie on the NASCAR 2004 circuit this year is a true outsider.  Driving for the first year Planned Parenthood/Starbucks Racing Team, Waldenmeyer is the first registered Democrat to drive on the circuit in the history of NASCAR.  In his first year on the tour, Waldenmeyer has faced much close scrutiny and distrust from his fellow drivers due to his openly acknowledged Liberal beliefs, and he is quite upfront about his ideology.

    "Voted for Gore?  Yep, and proud of it.  Affirmative Action?  Gotta have it.  Death Penalty?  Just say no.  Abortion Rights?  Sign me up.  Bill Clinton?  I voted for him ... twice!  Jane Fonda?  A personal hero of mine.  Hillary Rodham Clinton?  Future president, role model, and a secret sexual fantasy.  Yep, I'm a Democrat!"

    With his astonishing array of unpopular beliefs, Waldenmeyer has attracted a lot of unwanted attention and the unwelcome nickname "Lefty."

    "Lefty isn't so bad," Waldenmeyer explains.  "You should have heard some of the other ones they were using:  Pinko, Red, Commie Boy, Baby Killer.  I've heard them all. I don't mind a little controversy in the pits, but I would rather be know for what happens on the track."  To whit, the plucky Leftist proudly gave us a tour of his car, and the fire engine red Volvo 740 is unlike any other NASCAR hot rod.  Covered with sponsors logos from Greenpeace, PETA, Ben and Jerry's, and NPR, the Planned Parenthood/Starbucks Racing Team has fitted the vehicle with twin duo overhead cam turbos as well as a state-of-the-art di-matrix fluid unishift tracking pinion point system.  Using all the tricks of Yankee engineering and Left Wing technology, the car clocks in at an impressive 423 DPI and with variable slippage and hemi-hydro valves the total bumps up to 475 at peak displacement.  However, when Lefty showed off the car, he was most interested in pointing out the Volvo's new lateral impact airbags. cutting edge passive restraints, and an impressive array of multi-sized cupholders.

    "The last thing you want when you're banking around that last grandstand turn at the Brickyard is to have your tall half-decaf hazelnut latte go ballistic all over you.  By the way, the seats are one-hundred percent synthetic polymer.  No animals were harmed in the making of this vehicle."  Though filled with good intentions, it is clear as the Planned Parenthood/Starbucks Racing Team prepped in the pits for the Subway 400 here at Rockingham that they are openly shunned by the other teams and drivers.  Good old boys like Ricky Rudd, Greg Biffle, and Corey Mears who always have a slap on the back and a cold Bud for even their fiercest rivals pointedly avoid Marvin Waldemeyer.  In a milieu that is fueled by beer, fried foods, and bigotry, the plucky New Englander is clearly the odd man out. 

    "Old Lefty got off to a rocky start," explains tour vet Travis Stump, a five time winner and lead driver for the Phillip Morris/National Rifle Association Racing Team.  "When we had the mixer last week before the Daytona 400, he showed up wearing a kaftan and some of those Birkenstock shoes.  He brought a tray of grilled tofu and soy puff pastries and a loaf of wheat germ bread he baked himself, but he just didn't fit in.  Usually at the mixers the guys mainly talk about where the nearest Hooters is and how hot the local Hospitality Hostesses are, but then Lefty pipes up about how he spent the day volunteering at a women's health clinic and how excited he was about how even in the deep south women still have reproductive freedom and the right to choose.  When he started to explain to Dale Earnhardt Jr. about gay marriages, I thought Junior was going to punch his lights out.

    "Later, Lefty invited me and a few of the guys up to his hotel room.  He said he had some videos that were really hot that we would love.  I figured it would be some hard core porn, but then he puts on this piece of crap called 'The Seduction.'  It sounded hot, but it turned out to be 'The Seduction of Joe Tynan' starring that mealy-mouthed Alan Alda.  Well, Scooter pulled that one out so next he puts on something called 'Sweet Liberty.'  It sounded like it was one of those hot girl-on-girl action flicks, but it turned out to be another Alan Alda movie.  That's when Scooter Barnes, Ryan Bush, and I started to trash his room."

    Waldenmeyer is quick to explain.  "'The Seduction of Joe Tynan,' 'Sweet Liberty'?  Those films are classics.  I don't know anyone who doesn't love Alan Alda, but to be honest I don't think the guys were interested."

    "We threw the TV out the window into the swimming pool," Travis Stump admitted.  "Then Jimmie Jarrett got all bent out of shape.  Turns out the fancy imported beer Lefty had been serving us - Kaliber, I think it was called - didn't even have any alcohol in it.  Can you believe that?  Beer with no alcohol?  That's when we all just snapped.  We threw Lefty out of the window and into the swimming pool and tossed that fake beer after him."

    Since that first night, there has been a palpable chill in the pits and at the poles whenever Wadenmeyer and his Planned Parenthood/Starbucks Racing Team are around.  Shunned by his peers, reviled as a Liberal ideologue, and saddled with driving a laughable Swedish race car, Waldenmeyer is the first to admit that his future with NASCAR may be rocky, but there is no quit in this rebel racer.

    "I'll just take it one lap at a time, run a good clean race, and try to win over the fellahs with my sportsmanship and dedication," Waldenmeyer says.  "Just to show there are no hard feelings, I am giving each of the drivers a copy of the new six CD Jackson Browne box set next week in honor of the 25th anniversary of the first No Nukes concert.  Do you think they'll like it?"