February 13, 2004

eSNOOPculture Valentine's Day Edition 2004

    Greetings from your humble eSNOOPster as we here at eSLASHculture celebrate Valentine's Day 2004 by basking in the reflected starlight of a series of super-hot, super-sexy celebrity couples on this day of Love Triumphant.

    This year the hottest couple in Tinseltown is Hollywood lad-of-the-moment Ashton Kutcher and matronly, nearly-twice-his-age sweetheart Demi Moore.  Although rumors had reached a fever pitch that a wedding was imminent, it saddens the eSNOOpster to report that Ashton and the leathery-but-still-sexy Demi are Splittsville.  My sources say that the breakup came suddenly when Demi caught her little boy toy with another woman.  Apparently Demi returned home early from a minor whole-body plastic surgery procedure to catch Kutcher in flagrante delicto with none other than Mamie Moore, her own sixty-nine year old mother.  My insider tells me that Ashton begged Demi for another chance and immediately broke it off with Mamie, but alas it was too late.  Now poor, sad Demi is once again a struggling single mother of three with only her team of personal trainers, her waxers, her stylists, and her makeup, hair, and wardrobe assistants to comfort her.  Ashton, ever the resilient young Adonis, bounced back quickly and was seen just last night cutting the rug at ultra-hot teen disco SPANK!!! with his new lady love, sultry octogenarian Minnie Mae Moore, Demi's maternal grandmother.  Quite the young gentleman, Kutcher was quick to assist with Minnie Mae's walker and politely helped recover her dentures during a mishap at the club's sushi bar.  Asked if it felt strange to be dating a much, much, much older woman, the young Lothario was frank:  "No way, dude!  Minnie Mae is totally hot, and it is kind of cool that I've already dated my own granddaughter!!!"

    Sadly, rebounding Demi is not so quick to "go young" in her quest for a new love.  Word is that she rebuffed the other boy toy of the moment, insufferable, overrated screechy singer Justin Timberlake who is reported to have been seen sniffing around the Moore household.  Said Demi, "Justin Timberlake?  Don't make me laugh.  He just a skinny little punk who sings like a girl.  Have you seen that pathetic little beard he's grown?  I've got more hair than that on my bikini wax.  Puh-lease!"  Oh, dear Demi, we know you're hurting deep inside, but don't you be fronting on our boy J.T.

    The old eSNOOPster's mom always used to say that in polite company it is best never to discuss sex, politics, or religion, but on this special day we will dare to talk about two out of the three hot topics in one story.  We are glad to say that there was no religion involved since it was a civil ceremony, but the celebrity political love match of this young decade was made today.  In the tiny courthouse of sleepy, romantic, country village Teenapeequah , Massachusetts, hothead hate monger/fake news peddler Bill O'Reilly got married in a small civil ceremony to his longtime lover, loud mouth pill head/right wing celebrity hypocrite Rush Limbaugh.  I must admit I teared up as the happy couple signed the papers and exchanged an enthusiastic kiss as onlookers pelted them with rice.  On their way to a honeymoon cottage on Fire Island, the newlyweds stopped and spoke to your humble eSNOOPster briefly.  "We love this great nation of ours with the same passion and excitement that we love each other," O'Reilly blurted.  "But there was no way we could ever have had a same-sex marriage and broken the laws of this fair land."

"That's why we were just like a couple of teenagers when we heard that gay marriages were finally legal here in Massachusetts.  We decided to just do it and elope," Limbaugh blustered.  "Our love has always been intensely emotional and spiritual and physical and now, finally, it is legal, too! Honestly, that is what Billy and I have always been about: Love.  Sure, come Monday we will both be back on the airwaves denouncing the Democrat candidates, hating liberals, hating minorities, and hating women, but today ... well, today, it is all about Love."   Your eSNOOpster just want to say that so much of the media focuses on glamour and good looks, but to look at these two portly, middle-aged men so deeply in love with each other is to see true inner beauty. 

    And what Valentine's Day would be complete without a word or two about love, Courtney Love, that is?  Call it Fate or Kismet or True Love Ways or simply the result of a very crowded celebrity docket, but maybe it was little old Cupid himself who winged into the L.A. County courthouse to bring together the eSNOOPster's favorite loud mouth, dope gobbling celebrity harridan Courtney Love and super-spooky, former-human Michael Jackson.  What started as a chance encounter on their way to separate court appearances lead to unexpected romance.  After Jackson  finished filing a request for the dismissal of charges in his child molestation case and Love was forcibly ejected from a child custody hearing, the two literally bumped into each other fleeing reporters and immediately hit it off.  As their handlers combined forces to rough up journalists and clear a getaway for the law-busting couple, the busty, slatternly has-been rock widow and the shadowy, semi-male scarecrow wraith ran off arm in arm to a stretch armored car limo.  Soon the two were huddled over a romantic lunch for two in the back room of Wolfgang Puck's new tres chic celebrity eaterie La Thyroid.  As they shared dim sum platters of twice grilled lemur thyroid in chanterelle sauce blanc with a side of ram pancreas, the evil power couple made sweet music together as the wait staff swooned around them.  Bosoms heaved, fake eyelashes fluttered, and lacy underthings grew moist, and that was only Jackson.  However, what could have been the celebrity love match of the year was shattered when Courtney Love suddenly threw up all over the pallid eternal boy-specter and then was quickly arrested by a team of detectives for possession of over fifty grams of cocaine and a ten pound brick of hashish which was tucked in her bosom.  As LA County policewomen lead her away, Ms. Love spat, bit, kicked, and screamed profanities at passersby all the while howling "I love you, Michael!"  As she pulled her dress over her head and threw her thong at him, Michael Jackson was clearly taken aback.  Leaving the chaotic scene shortly after Love's arrest, Jackson was frank:  "Courtney Love?  That woman is a complete freak.  She's way too creepy for me, and I'm Michael Jackson, for goodness sake!"

    And so love - and Love - comes and goes on yet another Valentine's Day in La La Land.  Your humble eSNOOpster and all of us here at eSLASHculture wish you a Happy Valentine's Day and remind you to always keep your eyes on the ground and your feet on the stars!