January 30, 2004

MORE UNPOPULAR GAY FILM SEQUELS

-The following is an excerpt from a letter from Emily Littler, President of the Hollywood Organization of Gay Professionals and Writers (HOGPAW) to her members:

Dear Members,

The response to our initiative to bring important Gay and Lesbian themes to mainstream Hollywood films has been so well received that we here at HOGPAW have commissioned additional projects.  Enclosed are synopses for Gay and Lesbian themed sequels we hope to have in production soon:

Legally Blonde 3:  Blonde Behind Bars:  Reese Witherspoon returns as not-so-dumb blonde Elle Woods.  Framed for the murder of her beloved manicurist Chip Yo Diy, Elle finds herself behind bars and fighting for her life in the brutal confines of the Eleanor Roosevelt Memorial Women's Correctional Institute or "The Big Dollhouse" as it is known to the inmates.  With sadistic warden Bess "Bull" Dykerson (played by Rosie O'Donnell) hot on her tail and determined to bring Elle to her knees, the plucky blonde turns to her fellow cellmate Bernadette "Butch" Olsson (played by grotesque pop star Pink) for protection and comfort as well as vital clues in her hunt to find the real killer.  Though trapped in a bleak, soulless prison, Elle brings her perky spirit to play teaching Butch and her fellow prisoners valuable tips on how to accessorize and apply eye makeup for flattering new looks.  In turn, Butch and her girl gang teach Elle how to express intense physical women to women love and how to hide a knife where no one can find it.  The brutal but compelling shower scenes alone are worth the price of admission.  Feel the heat!  Smell the passion!  See the Blonde Behind Bars!

Master and Commander II:  Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash:  in this powerful sequel, Russell Crowe as Captain Jack Aubrey and Paul Bettany as the ship doctor face their greatest challenge yet.  Sent on a secret mission to intercept a frigate from Napoleon, Aubrey and his crew are becalmed and stranded in the Atlantic for two weeks.  Face with stultifying fear mixed with crushing boredom, the crew grows restless and the ship becomes an erotic playground.  Friction arises in this sensual milieu as the hunky new First Mate, played by Ashton Kutcher, comes between the captain and the ship's doctor.  It is only the surprise attack of a massive French man-o-war that snaps the crew back into action.  The strength of their shared love emboldens the sailors to fight like Greek warriors with Aubrey rallying the crew to save the day.  Gritty realism and poor personal hygiene make this period piece a vital addition to Britain's long, illustrious tradition of Gay military sagas.

Jason and Freddie II:  The Awakening:  immortal killers Freddie Krueger and Jason Voorhies are locked in a brutal deathclasp at the bottom of Crystal Lake when a pair of mysterious lightening bolts strike them.  Rising to the surface, the two homicidal maniacs awaken to find their primordial death lust replaced by a deep, abiding love and new-found spirituality.  Living together in a simple cabin in abandoned Camp Crystal Lake, Jason sets aside his mask and anger and dedicates himself to his sculpture, working the wood and clay with hatchets, chainsaws, and hooks to produce abstract figures of rough-hewn simplicity and beauty.  Freddie, nurtured by the love of his former nemesis, gives up his wraith-like role of dream killer to rekindle his childhood dream to sing light operetta.  Shot by famed Italian director Bernardo Bertolucci, the sensual, homoerotic awakening of Jason and Freddie builds to a climax during a regional theater production of H.M.S. Pinafore as Freddie overcome with joy dedicates his performance in the role of Little Buttercup to his lover Jason.  The shocked citizens of small-minded Crystal Lake are overcome with rage for a love they cannot understand and grab weapons and torches to hunt down the star-crossed lovers.

Charlie's Angels 3:  The Lesbian Bomb:  the Angels are back with a new boss - Charlene "Charlie" Bumglaver played by Rosie O'Donnell - and their hottest mission ever.  When a crazed fundamentalist preacher's secret plan to unleash a revolutionary high tech "Lesbian Bomb" to target and destroy same sex female couples is discovered, the Angels in all their jiggly glory are put on the case.  Faster than you can say "lipstick lesbian" Dylan, Natalie, and Alex join forces with new Angel super-sleuth and exotic dancer Candy Carrera (played by pop thrush Christina Aguilera) who leads them undercover to explore key Lesbian hotspots.  The Angels pose as caddies on the Ladies Professional Golf Tour, work as roadies for Lilith Fair 2004, and read piles of crappy movie scripts as personal assistants to Jody Foster.  Like the first two films, Angels 3 has all the action and all the prurient peek-a-boo sexuality but none of the men getting in the way as the Angels go down fighting and experience a sensual new world of Constitutionally protected lifestyle choices!

Win a Date With Tad Hamilton and His Little Bitch:  heartbroken after his painful brush with small town America and its buttoned down heterosexual mind set, closeted movie star Tad Hamilton returns to Hollywood after the conclusion of the surprise hit movie Win a Date With Tad Hamilton.  Swearing off women once and for all, Tad outs himself on "Oprah!" and with announces he is starting a contest to select one lucky fan to join him on a glamorous Gay dream date.  Then things get complicated when Tad realizes that all along his heart belongs to his fawning subservient personal stylist Riff Roper, played by Ashton Kutcher.  Will their love stand a chance when the lucky contest winner, bisexual NASCAR driver Lyle Cummerbund played by Justin Timberlake, comes to town determined to make Tad his man?  Does little Riff stand a chance in this man to man showdown?  Who will Tad choose?  Wouldn't you like to Win a Date With Tad Hamilton and His Little Bitch?