January 22, 2004

UNPOPULAR GAY FILM SEQUELS

-The following is an excerpt from a letter from Emily Littler, President of the the Hollywood Organization of Gay Professionals and Writers (HOGPAW), to her members.

Dear Members,

As Gay artists in the entertainment industry, we live in exciting times, times when opportunities to bring Gay culture to the mainstream as never before have become possible.  When shows like "Queer Eye" and "The L Word" can reach millions of homes, it is now time to bring our message of pride and tolerance towards alternative lifestyles to an even broader audience.  Working with several prominent Gay executives in the film industry and some of our most talented screenwriters, I am happy to outline a full slate projects awaiting approval to become major motion pictures in the coming year:

Buggery Actually:  a sequel to Richard Curtis's cloyingly hetero romantic comedy Love Actually, this film reveals that even in a world filled with war, strife, and suffering buggery endures and touches us all.  Whether it is sodomy in the world of the young, newly elected Prime Minister of Britain (played by Hugh Grant) who is inexplicably smitten with his simple, robust cockney gardener played by Brad Pitt or unchained man-lust in the story of stodgy old Cambridge math don Sir Ian McKellen who throws over his longtime companion, Christopher Plummer, for hot, young grad student Jude Law, the message is the same:  buggery, life affirming and constant is - in fact - all around us.  This warm, charming film would make a great feel good release for Christmas 2004 and just might be the first great blockbuster Gay romantic comedy holiday hit.

Along Comes Manny:  Ben Stiller returns as Reuben Feffer, an uptight risk assessor for an insurance company.  At the conclusion of the first film, Along Came Polly, Reuben learned to set aside his fears, open himself up, and take a chance on love with the free-spirited, braless, perpetually pert-nippled Jennifer Aniston as Polly.  Everything is coming up roses for the happy couple as they plan their wedding until Along Comes Manny, Manny Gonzales, the wedding florist.  Smitten by a love he can't explain, Reuben chucks aside his busty hetero love toy to take a chance on a whole new kind of passion with madcap, leather boy Manny.  Whether they are partying in the crowded, dark tea rooms of City Park, engaging in high risk sexual behavior in a speeding Minicooper, or  really "swinging" in the autoasphyxiation room of  a local bondage club, Reuben learns love and life will never be the same after Manny.  This promises to be the first ever breakout Gay "gross out" comedy complete with scenes involving Manny's Puerto Rican enema therapist who mistakes Reuben for a colitis patient and Reuben's hilarious pet parrot who has herpes and a foul mouth.

Tomb Raider III:  Lara Croft and the Temple of Sappho:  Angelina Jolie returns as the pneumatic, puffy-lipped adventuress.  When an earthquake opens a huge crack in the earth's crust in Greece just south of the Isle of Lesbos, Lara is sucked into a vortex of adventure and forbidden passions.  The Russian mob, the CIA, and a legion of heavily armed Rosie O'Donnell fans fight to discover the legendary subterranean Temple of Sappho.  Lurking within the hidden land, an ancient cult of lesbian priestesses control the famous Golden Clam of Clytemnestra, an occult artifact capable of sending shuddering, powerful quakes throughout the nether regions of the ancient land.  Lara fights, Lara swims, Lara learns a new kind of adventure as Denise "Denny" McCoy, the butch but warm-hearted tramp steamer pilot, steals her heart and leads her deep into the Temple of Sappho.  This summer Tomb Raider III will mean action, hot girl on girl action, that is.

Cheaper By The Baker's Dozen:  Steve Martin recaps his role as a pathetically closeted family man and football coach enslaved to his twelve loathsome children.  After wasting the best years of his life in a loveless sham marriage to his breeder wife, Martin chucks it all when he meets Billy Baker, (played by Ashton Kutchner) his eldest daughter's bisexual roommate and the quarter back of the struggling League of Gay Indoor Football team the Philadelphia Flamers.  Soon Martin dives into Baker and his band of twelve colorful queer footballers, turning the ragtag band of queens into contenders for the league championship game on Fire Island.  Abandoning the constraints of the straight life to fulfill a lifelong dream of unfettered sensuality, Martin falls hard for his Baker's dozen.  A crowd pleaser for the summer of 2004, think Hoosiers meets Cruising meets The Longest Yard, then think  Oscar for Steve Martin.

3 Fast 2 Curious:  Gay heartthrob Vin Diesel after a series of flop hetero films returns to the Fast/Furious franchise fold in this third installment.  Reunited with hot boy/homoerotic partner/renegade cop Paul Walker and Latino tough gal Michele Rodriguez, the team heads south of the border into Mexico to bust up a hot muffler ring.  While in Tijuana, they fight then fall for bi-curious Gay gang banger bikers Ricky Martin and Justin Timberlake.  Diesel, Walker, and Rodriguez set aside their petty, middle class sexual mores as the fivesome form a smoldering crazy quilt of unbridled sexual passion in-between the mandatory car races, shoot outs, and punch ups.  Diesel steals the show as he continues in his search for the perfect tricked out funny car hot rod.  It's 3 Fast, 2 Curious and one great Gay film!