January 15, 2004

The following is an excerpt from Beltway Babble-On, a weblog from DC political insider James Babble.

2004 Presidential Campaign Shaping Up

    Greetings from deep inside the Beltway.  As the Iowa caucuses loom ahead, presidential primary season is in full effect, and both parties are jockeying for position.  Tippity top secret unnamed sources deep inside both Democrat and Republican campaigns have shared the latest intel with yours truly.  Here is the rundown on some of the hot scoops fresh from the dark underbelly of the Beltway:

Madonna Endorses Dean for Presidency

-In a season of key endorsements with Al Gore and Carol Moseley Braun coming out in favor of candidate Howard Dean, the most important endorsement yet has come from The Material Girl herself, pop singer/media slut Madonna.  The aging diva strongly urged every American to vote for Dean for president.  My inside sources confirm that this endorsement was orchestrated by Republican National party black bag man Mort Kessler.  The long time GOP fixer and dirty trickster reportedly delivered over 2.9 million dollars in "soft money" harvested from the coffers of Exxon, ATT, and Tyco to La Madonna.  Republican insiders claim that the endorsement from the tiresome, withered sex kitten is worth twice that amount in scaring responsible voters away  from front runner Dean.  My sources confirm that Kessler is hot on the trail of other key Dean endorsements from Charles Manson, former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling, and the estate of dead thug rapper Tupac Shakur.  With that raft of damning endorsements hitting the papers, Dean will be hard pressed to maintain any credibility at all with the public.  Meanwhile, both Democrat and Republican operatives are hustling to lock down the endorsement of key crackpot advocate Courtney Love.  As Kessler says, "As Love goes, so doesn't go the nation.  To have that drug-addled superstar fishwife endorse Dean would be a huge feather in our cap."  However, my Democrat sources tell me the coked up harridan might just be crazy enough to endorse Bush.  The fate of a nation hangs in balance.

Insider Whispers:  Cheney Out for 2004 Race

-It is all hush-hush to the extreme, but my sources in the Oval Office tell me that in the next few days Vice President Dick Cheney will announce that he will not be running for re-election with Bush this fall.  Although health concerns will be cited, the real story is that Cheney has already accepted a lucrative offer to become CFO of Haliburton whose coffers are filled with hundred of billions of Iraqi reconstruction war dollars.  Says Cheney to a confidante, "Don't worry, I'll still be pulling all the strings and running the U.S. government, but finally I will be making a fair wage for the job."  The starting salary is reported to be in the 350 million dollars a year range not including benefits.  As Republican officials scramble to fill out the 2004 ticket with a new V.P. for George Dubyah, three top candidates have emerged.  The front runners are Republican Majority Leader Bill Frist, Attorney General John Ashcraft, and Satan.  Bush's top advisors already have their mouths watering over what they consider to be an unbeatable Bush/Satan pairing.  Says my source, "Dick Cheney is tough to replace, but a Bush/Satan ticket comes pretty darn close."

Desperate Democrats Register Pigs

-With hopes for a successful Democratic presidential campaign already evaporating quickly, party officials are instituting a new clandestine grass roots "get the vote out" strategy.  In Arkansas, Democrat party pols have begun a surreptitious new scheme.  In key rural districts, Democrats have begun quietly registering thousands of pigs to vote.  The theory is that in rural Arkansas on election day, the new bovine voters will be literally indistinguishable from the regular voters.  The thousands of new Democrat votes could help shift the balance in key precincts and assure the state is in the Red column come Election Day.  The only problem with the plan is that a new CBS poll of the Arkansas pig population indicates that Bush still has a commanding two to one margin of victory among the state's swine.  One frustrated inside source tells me that this only confirms an old adage:  You can take a pig to water, but you can't make it vote Democrat.

The Polls:  Who Can't Beat Bush?

-Speaking of polls, Republican officials are openly worried about the results of a recent USA Today poll.  The poll consisted of the question "If the presidential election were held today, who would you vote for George W. Bush or ......." and a series of different candidates were named and respondents queried about each.  It is a damning criticism of the war hungry incumbent's popularity that over two dozen different potential candidates bested Bush in the poll.  The top choice was a surprise: actor Ben Affleck.  If the election were today, the talent-free thespian would be elected by a devastating five to one margin over President Bush.  His wife Jennifer Lopez according to the poll also would win with a still-impressive three to one margin of victory.  Respondents also chose Latino heart throb Enrique Iglesias, brainless pop thrush Brittany Spears, has-been comedian Carrot Top, and fictional corporate spokesperson the Pillsbury Doughboy over George Dubyah.  Though some GOP insiders see this as a mandate for a shake up at the top, key officials took comfort in the fact that the poll indicated that the only potential candidates that Bush regularly bested were Howard Dean, Wesley Clark, John Kerry, and Dick Gephardt.  The Democrat leadership's calls to Mr. Affleck and the Pillsbury Doughboy were not immediately returned. 

    I don't know about you but I can't wait until the fall!

About James Babble:  James Babble has had a long and colorful career as a Beltway insider.  His first exposure to politics and the men who walk the corridors of power was as a senior in high school when Babble spent his summer break as a Congressional page to the Ohio delegation.  Just months later after dropping out of school, he returned to DC for good beginning his career as a street hustler, sneak thief, and male exotic dancer.  Within a year, Babble had become one of Washington's hottest male prostitutes working for the District's most exclusive escort agencies.  With boundless energy and enthusiasm, Babble worked the back rooms and subcommittees of the nation's capitol become a fixture behind the scenes.  With a winning mixture of drive, amorality, and strong interpersonal skills, it was only a matter of time before Babble became a lobbyist wielding power and undisclosed cash for some of our country's biggest and most corrupt corporations.  Now after years as a well-known and well-loved insider, Babble says with a touch of pride, "I may have never served as an elected official of this great nation, but I am proud to have serviced hundreds of the great men who have."  Babble posts his Beltway Babble-On column weekly.