December 5, 2005

It's Torture...Again!

    Torture: it's an ugly word, an inflammatory word, a word that even the slickest snake oil salesman would have a hard time pitching to a gullible public.  However, as Dick Cheney continues to lobby aggressively and publicly to make torture legal in America, the great spin machine behind him has shifted into high gear.  The administration's flacks, mouthpieces, and media shills have set themselves the task of "mainstreaming" torture by bringing it out of the shadows and making it an acceptable - even fashionable - part of the nation's social discourse.  With the stigma of torture removed, Cheney's initiative should face only token resistance in Congress.  Imagine, if you will, taking a peek into the pages of the country's paper of record just a mere three weeks from now as torture has been spun from an unspeakable violation of human rights into a trendy new part of the pop culture landscape.  The following are excerpts from the December 29, 2006 edition of The USA TODAY:

Blue Section

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY RECEIVES MAN OF THE YEAR AWARD

    On Wednesday afternoon, Vice President Dick Cheney took a break from his busy day to accept a prestigious award.  Taking time out from his top secret duties running the phantom government, Cheney attended a festive awards banquet at the downtown Ambassador Hotel where he was presented with the Man of the Year award from Drawn and Quarterly Magazine.  For over one hundred years, Drawn and Quarterly has been the international source authority and definitive monthly journal of the global torture community.  In choosing Vice President as their Man of the Year, the editors of Drawn and Quarterly praised him as not only an outspoken advocate for torture in all its varied forms but also as an ardent practitioner frequently supervising interrogations via long distance in the line of duty as well as in his spare time at home if necessary.  A relaxed and ebullient Cheney accepted the prestigious award with characteristic humility citing Donald Rumsfeld,  Karl Rove, and Condoleeza Rice as candidates all equally worthy of the honor.  "Fads come and go," Cheney crowed as he raised the platinum mallet-shaped award over his head, "but torture -like rock and roll - is here to stay!"

Purple Section

HEARTBROKEN JESSICA SIMPSON ENTERTAINS TROOPS

    Though still saddened by her recent separation from husband Nick Lachey, screen siren/pop thrush Jessica Simpson fulfilled a commitment she made over three months ago to the USO to entertain the troops in the Middle East.  In a whirlwind three day tour, the blonde bombshell proved to be a big hit with the troops in Kuwait, Iraq, and Afghanistan.  Ms. Simpson performed in front of audiences ranging from over two thousand servicemen on an aircraft carrier in the Gulf of Oman to a squad of two dozen Special Forces troops on a top secret mission in the heart of the Sunni Triangle.  Her act, though it consists only of her donning her famous Daisy Dukes short shorts and repeatedly bending over to pick up any objects the troops throw on stage, never failed to raise the spirits of the young warriors.  Ms. Simpson was rewarded for her efforts with an honorary commission in the Army, and she received the rank of Lady Colonel.  While in Baghdad entertaining the 251st Regimental Detainment and Interrogation Brigade, Colonel Simpson was thrilled to be invited to participate in an interrogation and torture session in the heart of one of the CIA's covert prisons.  "It was great!" gushed the patriotic pop star.  "I was glad to be able to help in some little way.  It was a little intimidating at first, but it was just some naked guy with a beard.  I wasn't sure if I could do it, but then I thought about that no good, two timing husband of mine, and I just let 'er rip!  I don't know what he was saying, but we really got that guy yammering away and begging and crying and everything!  I've never been prouder to be an American!"  Moved by her display of patriotism, pop singers Pink, Christina Aguillera, and Mariah Carey have all recently volunteered to tour the Baghdad secret prison circuit and do their part as well.

Purple Section

TORTURE IS BURNING UP THE CHARTS

    For the second week in a row rapper 50 Cent lays claim to the number one song in the U.S.A.  "Torture My Ho (She Love It)" featuring Dawg Cyder and Mac G.D. Sade remains in the top spot dominating both the Pop and Rap charts.  Atop the Country charts, Toby Keith has scored another Number One hit with his new single "Torture My Horses For Beer," a rollicking duet featuring Keith and his be-hatted country hunk buddy Bucky Lovestump.  On the Adult Contemporary charts, the resurgent Backstreet Boys have the twelfth Number One song of their career, jumping on the super-hot torture bandwagon with their smoldering quiet storm love ballad "Hood You Up (Girl I Wanna.)"    The top ranked new song on the Hot One Hundred chart is incarcerated rapper Lil' Kim's answer song to 50 Cent's hit single torture song.  "Torture Them G's (Make They Heads Ring)" featuring Atlanta rapper Lady Whip and M.C. Nipple Clampz.

Red Section

REELING SAINTS TORTURE THEIR FANS ... AND THEY LOVE IT!

    In a football season unlike any NFL team has ever faced, the New Orleans Saints continue to do what they have always done best: lose game after game.  When Hurricane Katrina devastated their hometown of New Orleans on the eve of their first game of the regular season, many league officials wondered if the Saints organization would even be able to field a team, and serious questions remained as to where and when the storm-crossed team would play.  With the Superdome shattered by high winds and the streets of their corporate headquarters flooded, owner Tom Benson examined the options and bravely decided to abandon the city, his season ticket holders, and the fans, and flee to San Antonio, desperately pledging to move the team there permanently in an attempt to grab as much money off the table as quickly as possible under the cover of the nation's greatest natural disaster.  With players and staff separated from their homes and families indefinitely, the team has demonstrated incredible resolve in the face of adversity.  Off the field, players have made a point of using days off to visit fans scattered by the storm in shelters in Houston, Atlanta, and Baton Rouge.  On the field, the Saints have proven the naysayers wrong and played with a consistency and resolve that have impressed many across the nation.  Sporting an ignominious 3-9 record, the Saints have bounced back to their usual level of performance and are playing as if Hurricane Katrina never happened.  "Watching them is sheer torture," said displaced fan John Maurice.  "It's like the whole team has reached down deep inside and worked to play the kind of football that we have all depended on year in and year out.  I've never been prouder to be a Saints fan.  I know that no matter what I can always count on them to go out there every Sunday and take it up the ass."  Pro Bowl wide receiver Joe Horn is modest about his team's achievements this year.  "I don't want to make a big deal out of it.  We know that there are a lot of fans out there who are counting on us, and we don't want to let them down.  I think a lot of people if they turned on their TVs and saw us racking up big wins and heading to the playoffs would be confused and disturbed.  Instead we go out there and play Saints football just like we do every year."  When questioned about what he thinks of the Saints fans unofficially referring to 2005 as "Saints Torture Time," Horn was self-effacing.  "We don't worry about all that stuff.  Sure, torture is the hot thing these days, but we just try to go out there and be consistent and do the little things the fans count on:  dropping balls, lining up offsides, pissing away leads, whatever it takes.  Now if you want to be all trendy and call that torture, well, I can't argue with you."  Aside from visiting with fans, many of the team leaders have also lent their time and talent to a fund-raising song and video earmarked to raise money for hurricane relief.  Top New Orleans musical talents Branford Marsalis, Harry Connick Jr., and rapper Master P have recorded a rap song and video with team members called "The Saints Second Line Torture Shuffle."  The song has already raised over thirty thousand dollars for storm relief as fans have snapped up copies of the video that features game footage of the team self-destructing on the football field intercut with shots of players being playfully tortured by whip-wielding fans in the streets of the French Quarter.  Despite all the media fanfare that goes with another dismal losing season, quarterback Aaron Brooks remains firmly committed to doing his job and helping the community as well.  Recently at a hospital visit in Shreveport, Brooks chatted with a group of young fans.  When Michael Green, a  six year old fan recovering from a broken leg, asked if Brooks thought they could keep it up and pull out a big loss on Monday night against the Atlanta Falcons, the quarterback smiled and guaranteed a defeat.  As the children cheered, Brooks handed out autographed footballs and told Green, "We're gonna lose big, Michael, and I'm gonna throw an interception for you and for each of your three brothers, too."  The pediatric ward exploded in cheers.  Being a Saints fan is torture, and they wouldn't have it any other way.

Green Section

VICTORIA'S SECRET NEW "TORTURE ME, SEXY" LINE A BEST SELLER

    Specialty clothing merchandiser Victoria's Secret has reported robust holiday sales so far this season, and the star of the Winter 2005 offerings is their hot, new "Torture Me, Sexy" line.  A little risqué controversy is nothing new and almost always good for business for Victoria's Secret , and this year's sales campaign is nothing new.  Sexy, playful torture is the recurring theme both in the glossy Christmas catalogue as well as on the runways for this year's nationally televised prime time "Victoria's Secret Fashion Show" special.  Vice President in Charge of Marketing Faye Pomerantz explained the thrust of this season's successful campaign.  "Every year or two there seems to be some hot topic or trend that captures the public's imagination.  Whether it is Julia Roberts' miracle bra in 'Erin Brockovich' or Monica Lewinsky's thong in the White House, trends pop up and drive our market.  This year it's torture, and it's a perfect fit or us.  A little naughty, a little exotic, and very hot."  Pomerantz pointed out that although in the past Victoria's Secret has seen complaints from more puritanical communities in the Midwest, the "Torture Me, Sexy" campaign has been a hit in malls in Oklahoma, Texas, and all through the Bible Belt.  It is no surprise given the embrace of torture by trend setting Conservative tastemakers like Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfeld.  "Certainly, with Dick Cheney endorsing torture, the whole idea is now viewed to be as American as apple pie.  Our marketing reflects that patriotic feel as well as traditional Christmas themes.  Our mall window displays feature mannequins dressed in the usual thongs and garter belts but also sporting rich red and green jewel toned hoods and playfully clasping luxurious, pure, Persian silk whips and soft, sexy, pleather riding crops.  American flags are prominently displayed as bunting in the displays and in the background in the catalogue shots as well."  The mixture of sexy lingerie and all-American torture is proving to be a winning match, and sales are projected to generate a 17% increase over last year's same store numbers.  Best selling catalogue items such as the Coventry Hostage Gown in colors such as periwinkle and antique mauve and the new silk jacquard Peasantry Merry Window with matching thong and plush charmeuse four point restraint straps have caused a surge in on-line sales as well.  Though flushed with satisfaction over this year's success, the company is already sketching out plans for next year's line.  "It is too soon to say," Pomerantz answered when asked what she thinks the next big trend will be for 2006.  "But given the way things are going, I'm guessing it will have something to do with curtailing civil rights or illegal search and entry.  Whatever it is, it will be hot when you see it on our models!"