November 17, 2005

-The following is an excerpt from the November 18, 2005 posting from Beltway Babble-On, a weblog from Washington, DC political insider.

It's Torture!

    Greetings from deep inside the Beltway! As the President's approval numbers continue to nosedive towards a shady spot in the low teens, Vice President Dick Cheney remains staunchly unmoved by the misguided pressures of public opinion, common morality, or the basic tenants of human dignity.

    Far from the glare of the cameras that make Cheney look like the shifty, remorseless embodiment of evil incarnate, the all powerful Veep has been working the smoke-filled backrooms on the Hill hard.  It is no secret that Cheney was enraged by goody two shoes Senator John McCain's sponsoring of the anti-torture bill that passed in the Senate tacked onto a larger defense bill scheduled to be sent to President Bush's desk soon.  McCain - the GOP's current golden boy/next Presidential candidate - was the victim of torture as a prisoner of war in Viet Nam.  Still, according to Cheney, that's no reason to foist his personal namby-pamby "no electrodes/no beatings/no humiliation" principles upon the great, unchecked hordes of heavy-handed U.S. field intelligence officers.  With the bill already passed by the Senate, the Veep's only hope was to water it down in the committee that reconciles the Senate's bill with the House of Representatives' similar legislation.  As nominal President George Dubyah brayed away to the public that "the United States does not torture," Dick "Hitman" Cheney spent the day pounding on tables, calling in big favors, and browbeating committee members to allow the CIA to be exempt from the new law.  The wording Cheney added to the combined bill institutes an exception to the anti-torture ban if CIA operatives are faced with "compelling, urgent evidence requiring immediate, emergent intervention in a matter of pressing national security."  Sounds good, but the same wording was used in a little seen but frequently invoked bill passed last year that exempted all Congressmen from having to pay finance fees on their personal and business credit cards.  Nonetheless, after three hours under Cheney's whip, the committee crumpled completely and granted t he CIA an exemption.  After Cheney stepped aside, U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales moved in and argued successfully that a similar crisis on U.S. soil could occur and that - therefore - all FBI agents should have access to torture as a "last resort to be used only whenever absolutely necessary or when convenient."  The exhausted committee then added the FBI to the "exempt from the torture ban" list without comment.  A committee member and drinking buddy of mine reported on the QT that from there things rapidly spiraled out of control as they tend to do in sessions closed to the public.  The next speaker before the committee was U.S. Secretary of Commerce Carlos Guitierrez who argued forcefully that similar "last resort" torture privileges be bestowed on all ranking Internal Revenue Services officials.  Arguing that a paper trail of dirty money could lead to a terrorist threat  "grave enough to endanger the nations' law abiding citizens," Guitierrez succeeded in convincing the committee to also exempt the IRS from the anti-torture ban.  The idea that any terrorist secretly exceeding the investment limits on his 401K plan at work could be summarily held without charges and tortured mercilessly brought a relaxed, contented smile to the otherwise twisted, laconic face of Vice President Cheney. 

    Once the CIA, FBI, and the IRS received carte blanche to torture at will, the floodgates opened, and a caravan of lobbyists and special interests paraded their demands before the demoralized committee.  The privatization of government functions and the slashing of burdensome regulations has been a hallmark of the Bush/Cheney regime, and the Vice President insisted that the committee respect the will of the American people as well as help in the never ending War on Terror.  In short order, torture exemptions were granted to Licensed State Health Inspectors, Fire Marshals, tugboat captains, General Motors finance officers, senior baggage handlers at LaGuardia International Airport, and - in a surprise move - Employees of the Month at over two hundred selected SuperCuts stores across the Eastern seaboard.

    In closing comments, Cheney thanked the committee and praised it for its bi-partisan patriotism.  "Today you have struck a powerful blow for the forces of Freedom, Liberty, and Justice in the War on Terror," Cheney exclaimed.  "In the future, terrorists will think twice before plotting acts of mass destruction against America or America's interests overseas.  Whether it is a terrorist laundering money to fund an evil plot, a terrorist threatening the firefighters or tugboat captains of this great nation, or a terrorist tampering with luggage, defaulting on a car loan, or striking at the heart of this country's vital hairstyling industry, that terrorist can count on swift and excruciating torture at the hands of highly trained government officials, expert administrators in the private sector, or just regular concerned American citizens.  God bless you, and God bless America."  And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what we here in DC call real, old-style leadership!

Special Bonus Beltway Babble-On Rumor of the Week:

    A little bird who happens to work in the office of the Vice President's Secretary Assistant Comptroller tells me that Dick Cheney is doing more than just raging indignantly like a rabid dog at the Democrats and moderate Republicans who have been calling for the administration to produce an exit strategy for the War in Iraq.  My source tells me Cheney has had preliminary plans drawn up for the erection of a guillotine to be installed in the Main Mall in front of the Jefferson Memorial.  Poop or Scoop?  Stay tuned to Beltway Babble-On for more details!

About James Babble:  James Babble has had a long and colorful career as a Beltway insider.  His first exposure to politics and the men who walk the corridors of power was as a senior in high school when Babble spent his summer break as a Congressional page to the Ohio delegation.  Just months later after dropping out of school, he returned to DC for good.  He began his career modestly as a street hustler, sneak thief, and male exotic dancer.  Within a year, Babble had become one of Washington's hottest male prostitutes working for the District's most exclusive escort agencies.  With boundless energy and enthusiasm, Babble worked the back rooms and subcommittees of the nation's capitol and became a fixture behind the scenes.  With a winning mixture of drive, amorality, and strong interpersonal skills, it was only a matter of time before Babble became a lobbyist wielding power and undisclosed cash for some of our country's biggest and most corrupt corporations.  Now after years as a well-known and well-loved insider, Babble says with a touch of pride, "I may have never served as an elected official of this great nation, but I am proud to have serviced hundreds of the great men who have."  Babble posts his Beltway Babble-On column weekly.