November 8, 2005

-The following is an excerpt from the November 8, 2005 online edition of American Lawman.

Lafayette We Are Here

    As riot-fueled violence continues to surge from Paris across France, help is coming to the troubled French Republic  from an unlikely place:  the United States of America. 

    For two weeks, the rundown suburbs surrounding Paris have served as a tinderbox of violence as angry, impoverished immigrant Muslim youths have taken to the streets to riot, destroy property, and set fire to cars.  The riots began after two black youths were electrocuted while fleeing from local police.  A whole generation of the minority underclass plagued by poverty, prejudice, and chronic unemployment have taken this opportunity to rise up and express their rage against a harsh and unfair system which has alienated them.  Into this cauldron of racism, hatred, and violence comes much needed help from America.  All across the United States, urban and rural police officers have set aside the long standing animosity between the two countries to pledge their aide to the forces of French law enforcement.

    From Gretna, Louisiana, Sheriff Carl LeBlanc has dispatched a squad of ten officers to help with crowd control in the troubled Parisian suburb of Gateau-des-Enfants.  Says LeBlanc, "It's the least we can do.  Order must be maintained, and my boys are experts in this kind of stuff.  We know how to calm things down but fast.  Whether it is a round or two of shotgun fire or a little hand to hand peace keeping, my officers have done it all and seen it all, unlike their French counterparts."  Although Gretna is still dealing with the grim aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, LeBlanc is eager to send help across the Atlantic.  "It  is our duty, and besides those ten officers we're sending are still on paid leave while they are appealing those trumped up charges of abusing the civil rights of evacuees during the hurricane.  Hell, in France, they don't even have the Constitution or civil rights anyway.  My boys are gonna fit right in.  Once our guys hit the streets, the minority troublemaker fur will fly, so to speak."

    In Birmingham, Alabama, Police Chief Warren P. Stamps promised immediate humanitarian aide to his law enforcement brothers-in-arms across The Big Pond.  "I am personally leading a contingent of eight of my finest civil disturbance expert officers to Garcon-aux-Fromage this weekend.  Right after the big L.S.U.-Alabama game we're getting on a charter flight to France.  We're just glad we can help out."  A large, jovial, rubicund man, Chief Stamps hitched up his gun belt over his stout belly and pledged his complete support.  "Yep, we're gonna do our part and show them Frenchies a thing or two about crowd control Crimson Tide style.  We're loading up the police dogs, the high power water  hoses, and the stun guns and making tracks to Gay Paree.  We were originally going to go on a big departmental hunting trip, but this will be even more fun.  It's been awhile, and my boys are itching for a scrap!"

    From Los Angeles, California, Police Commissioner Alex Van Pelt has dispatched two of his most experienced riot squads to the continent.  "I know things are tough over there, and we're glad to help out," said Squad Leader Rick Klingman, a short, wiry, tightly wound, inherently violent little man.  "To be honest, they need us and our know-how.  Your typical French gendarme would rather sit back, nibble on a baguette, and sip on a glass of decent Beaujolais while watching the riots rather than get in there and bust some heads.  Well, that just won't get the job done.  The difference between our state-of-the-art tactics and theirs is like the difference between soccer and real American football.  Instead of a lot of prancing around and all that hands off stuff, sometimes you've got to just put on the pads, strap on the helmet, unload on the first poor bastard you see, and lay some goddamn citizens out.  Trust me, once we arrive at Chapeau-Eau-de-Toilette things will be different.  The next night when the trouble starts I can guarantee you that instead of flaming cars you will see the streets littered with the cuffed and busted up bodies of these youthful miscreants.  We're gonna put 'em down and keep 'em down just like we do in LA County."

    From Tulsa, Oklahoma, the site of the deadliest race riots in American history, Sheriff Billy Lee Compton sends a message of hope to France.  "My grand dad Willie Lee Compton was half Cherokee and all hellion.  He went over to France and fought in the trenches with General Pershing during World War I and killed him a mess of Germans.  Well, just like grand dad, me and a bunch of the fellers is heading over there tomorrow to some little place called Mouy outside of Paris where there's been some trouble.  We're gonna teach those Frog bastards some hard lessons in Old West law and order.  Some folks like to pack tasers, rubber bullets, and all that other nonsense.  Not us.  It's just guns, guns, and more guns.  Still when you're working in close with someone that hasn't been shot up or beat down yet, the boys and I like to use a little technique we call 'The Minority Choke Hold.'  It will calm down the most hopped up rioter in just a few seconds, and usually it doesn't cause much brain damage.  We're looking forward to teaching that technique to some of the local law enforcement officers.  These days, thanks to all the bleeding heart liberals, we can't use The Minority Choke Hold in America anymore, but from what I hear, over there it is Anything Goes and No Holds Barred so I am just going to turn the boys loose.  They tell me there isn't even a word in the French language for 'police brutality' yet.  As old Black Jack Pershing said almost a hundred years ago, 'Lafayette, we are here, and we're gonna kick some goddamned ass.'"