October 8, 2005    eSLASHculture 4.20

    For the past month, the left-leaning media has lambasted President Bush and the Federal Emergency Management Agency for their alleged mishandling of the Hurricane Katrina crisis.  Television viewers have seen endless coverage of survivors of the storm's wrath abandoned by their government and fighting for survival in the unsupervised chaos of the Superdome and the New Orleans Convention Center as President Bush flew safely overhead in Air Force One.  Food, water, and shelter were unavailable for days after the storm had passed.  FEMA's plans and preparations were portrayed again and again by the biased liberal media as anywhere from woefully inadequate to actually criminally negligent.  However, lost in this chorus of bitter partisan criticism are many tales of administrative triumph, personal heroism, and consummate professionalism in the face of incredibly harsh conditions.  This month we take a look at the little known but inspirational story of ....

The Working Girls of FEMA

    On August 26, 2005, just moments after Hurricane Katrina's devastating high winds and storm surge turned New Orleans, Louisiana into a massive disaster area, the Federal Emergency Management Agency leapt into action.  A mere ninety-six hours later FEMA sent an unprecedented wave of contractors, bureaucrats, fixers, assessors, cronies and hangers-on into the heart of the danger zone in the French Quarter in downtown New Orleans to supervise the recovery.  Accompanying them, FEMA mobilized a crack emergency response team of over seventy-five highly trained prostitutes.  As the crush of party connected big wigs set up shop preparing to dole out billions of dollars in no-bid contracts and begin carving up the still twitching carcass of New Orleans' future, these "Working Girls of FEMA" found themselves badly outnumbered and forced to work in challenging conditions.  The Agency had over 5,000 "boots on the ground" to start crisis management.  These men - powerful, wealthy, and demanding - needed servicing at regular intervals and with a high rate of satisfaction or the whole recovery process could be jeopardized.  Within moments of being flown in on massive military Suckorsky Sky Sultan choppers, the FEMA Hospitality Team set up headquarters in the stately Royal Miltonian Hotel.  It was crunch time as soon as the girls' high heels hit the tarmac.  Under the supervision of Madame Cherry LaFrance - a seasoned veteran of campaigns in Serbia, Iraq, and Silver Springs, Maryland - the team was rapidly deployed.  The first shift of twenty-five crack working girls were standing tall and ready for active duty by Thursday at 0900 hours.  With no electricity for the first twelve hours of their mission, the girls were forced to turn back the hands of time and relearn old tricks of the trade, working by candlelight, not having access to instant credit card processing, and having to make due without the benefit of their arsenals of hi-tech AC powered appliances.  Explained Ms. LaFrance, "We knew it was a humanitarian crisis of epic proportions, and we determined to do our part no matter how hard things got."

    The girls soon found out that only twenty of the Royal Miltonian's luxury suites were workable.  The others had been irreparably damaged by the storm with high winds leaving their windows shattered, the mini-bars in disarray, and no in-room On Demand adult films available.  Only the third and fourth floors were functional.  Soon the hallways were clogged with hundreds of anxious bureaucrats, corrupt politicians, and F.O.B.s.  It was clear that panic was beginning to set in as the mob began to jostle and push towards the only twenty fully staffed rooms.  Thinking quickly, Ms. LaFrance rallied her troops and sent wave after wave of prostitutes surging  through the halls to stem the tide.   As the situation was coming to a head, girls took their charges to the ballrooms, staff lounges, and hotel conference rooms, anywhere a cot, a cooler full of decent chardonnay, and a boombox playing Kenny G. CDs could be set up.  "At one point that Thursday evening," Ms. LaFrance recalls, "we had all three shifts of twenty-five girls deployed, and still they just kept coming and coming and coming.  I've seen it many times before with FEMA.  There is something in the air in these types of situations.  It must be the mix of danger, chaos, and the unregulated flow of billions of dollars in federal funds, but it sends these balding, pasty, middle-aged corrupt petty officials into a rutting frenzy."  At one point in the Governor's Suite, we had one of our best girls - Ashlee Velvet - go down with back spasms.  I looked for  help over in the adjoining room, but Misty Rain was hard at work and had a FEMA Assistant Vice President fully engaged.  Next door the twins - Kayleigh and Layleigh Joy - had the Acting Agency Comptroller and half of his staff in the Presidential Suite going full tilt.  I literally had no one to send in.  Fortunately, after twenty years in the trade, I still know how to work the business end of a minor Republican Party official.  I had no choice but to slip on the old camisole and garter belt, roll up my stockings, and get down to work."

    It is that kind of sense of duty and commitment that carried the Girls of FEMA through the first few harrowing days of their mission.  Though it would be another full day before National Guard units would arrive with food and water for the desperate survivors housed in the nearby Superdome, the FEMA team at the Royal Miltonian just two blocks away faced very real hardships and deprivations of their own.  Though generator power was restored to the luxury hotel in the early hours of September 2, conditions remained primitive.  "There was no room service.  None at all," recalls FEMA prostitute/relief worker Candi Stayne.  "The hotel's restaurants were closed up, and we had to all eat together in a communal mess hall with all the contractors and johns right there with us.  It was tough."  Fortunately, the hotel staff chose the richly appointed Royal Cotillion Ballroom for the meals.  The hotel's executive chef Marcel LeBlanc was faced with his own challenges as is sous chef was lost in the storm hunting for truffles.  Pastry chef Jean Michele Lempriere by all accounts made up for the loss with a dazzling display of soufflés, profiteroles, and his signature dark chocolate bread pudding.  The restaurant staff throughout the crisis continued to serve five course gourmet meals six times a day to the hungry relief workers, prostitutes, and plutocrats.

    Though the assembled Hospitality Team faced long hours and arduous working conditions, first responder/prostitute Brandied Pears notes that there were positive aspects to the experience.  "Of course, it was great to help out in a national emergency, and there was a tremendous sense of teamwork - especially during the girl-on-girl action and the three ways.  Also, the compensation was top notch all the way.  I've never seen so many crisp, new, mint hundred dollar bills in my life.  They had bags full of cash flown in from Washington three times a day, and they were throwing it around like confetti."  Since the girls were independent contractors, FEMA could not provide their base pay, but they did follow federal regulations and pay the entire team overtime rates for the duration of their mission.  "Those FEMA guys were so sweet," recalls Ms. Pears.  "Aside from the stacks of hundred dollar bills on the dresser after, they used to tip us by giving all the girls $2,000 FEMA emergency grants, and I can assure you that the application process was rigorous."

    In just a matter of days, the crisis had passed for Cherry LaFrance and her team.  Soon huge corrupt multi-national corporations flush with billions of dollars in cash from no-bid contracts had moved into New Orleans, bringing with them their own in-house squads of prostitutes ready to take over as the reconstruction process began in earnest.  As Ms. La France and her team of sexual first responders packed up their duffel bags stuffed with badly worn lingerie, fur-lined handcuffs, and massive piles of unmarked bills, the seasoned madame reflected on her experiences in New Orleans.  "We're proud to have served, and we were just doing our job.  The people of America can rest assured that anytime there is a crisis where people are hurting and help is needed, our government and FEMA  will always be ready to fly in planeloads of fixers and whores to manage the situation at a moment's notice."