September 7, 2005     eSLASHculture 4.19

eSNOOPculture Trashy Blonde Edition

    As the last fading golden rays of summer glisten and gleam, playing with a burnished sheen across the lustrous, surgically altered hides of our most beloved celebrities here in Los Angeles, your humble eSNOOPster is proud to present our annual tribute to those tow headed, bleached blonde beauties of stage, screen, or amateurishly shot explicit home videos.  Yes, dear reader, it is time for eSNOOPculture's annual Trashy Blonde Edition.

    Our easily amused eye first falls across Britney Spears, and, oh, how the mighty have fallen!  Once boldly bestriding the celebrity scene like a big breasted, dim-bulbed colossus, we are sad to say that our former favorite pseudo-singer trash queen is now a mere shadow of her former notorious self.  Sadly, a happy, healthy pregnancy has robbed our Brit of her former allure.  Take away the drinking, the smoking, and the bed hopping, and all you have left is a pudgy, spotty-skinned trailer trash girl eating bag after bag of Cheetos while spending her days on a Laz-E-Boy Recliner watching daytime TV all day.  Why, this is the kind of plebian behavior we expect from our readers, certainly NOT our celebrities.  Nonetheless, our flaxen-haired Britney made news earlier this week when she was admitted to Cedars Sinai for a top secret obstetrical procedure.  Not to worry, the Baby Spears - rumored to be named Brandylee if a boy or Brandyleigh if a girl - is fine.  Our inside source confirms that mom and her ne'er do well low-pants-wearing-infrequently-showering-functionally-illiterate hubby had a cutting edge designer outpatient procedure performed.  Mom and dad were ecstatic after a team of internationally renowned surgeons labored successfully for over two hours.  The result:  Britney emerged stable and happy with her little bundle of joy sporting the first ever in utero belly button piercing.  Though pictures are officially available yet, our source confirms that ultrasound images indicate that the  lucky baby is now sporting a darling 24 carat gold butterfly with lovely turquoise inserts.  Word has it that the happy and exquisitely tasteful couple were so pleased with the results that they are contemplating a return visit to the clinic next month to have implantation of baby's first cell phone and a Gameboy DS.  Welcome to the life of luxury and elegance, Baby Spears!

What A-list of celebrity trashy blondes would be complete without a shout out to pouting-pointless-porn-princess-no-talent Paris Hilton?  The question of the day:  Is Paris Burning?   The answer is: Paris is sizzling, overcome with passion for that new special someone in her life, and she wants you to know all about him.  And who is the lucky guy?  None other than Jesus.  Speaking from the pulpit of the Evangelical Church of the Narrow Light, the lithesome Ms. Hilton recently told an inspirational story of her Spiritual Awakening.  After a long hard night of smoking, drinking, drug usage, faceless indiscriminate sex, and loud hip hop music in the ultra-posh millionaire-only night clubs of Manhattan, Paris told a harrowing tale of waking up in a seedy motel with no room service hunched over a toilet and violently ill.  In the midst of her convulsions, she had an out-of-body experience and saw a vision of Jesus and an angelic concierge hauling her drunken and drug riddled body up to Heaven.  Scared straight, the doe eyed, dumb bunny heiress woke the next morning with a new will to live a life of the Spirit and with a new personal savior.  After an intensive two day Bible study course, the Reverend Paris Hilton emerged to preach the gospel in her own inimitable way.  Dressed in a stunning shear white lace Jean Paul Gaultier prayer gown and matching thigh high white leather boots, Paris, like a latter day Aimee Simple-minded Mc Pherson, had the gathered media entranced as she outlined her plans for her new Ministry.  After briefly outlining how her entire life has been changed by Jesus, the Reverend Hilton announced her new Evangelical website WWJS.com.  "As I sat in a daze halfway between life and death in that tawdry little motel room and contemplated my Personal Savior, I thought to myself, If He were here today, Where Would Jesus Shop?  You know when you think of your typical Born Again types, it is always some mousey little woman in an A-line skirt and flats.  Well, you know Jesus said, 'Let your light shine' or something like.  I want to help the drab and dreary masses become Fashion Forward acolytes."  During a colorful and heartfelt Power Point presentation, Paris showed how her site would help the Saved explore the latest trends in Ecclesiastic chic.  Links to pricey e-boutiques from Chanel, Gucci, and other haute couture houses make up the majority of the site's content.  However, separate portals present associated WWJS "Christian Life By Paris" products.  Avant guarde video clips featuring the photogenic Reverend Hilton touted a wide range of products from Holy Smokes menthol Turkish blended cigarettes to Hilton's Water of Life single malt Scotch whiskies to previews for "Spiritual Instincts," Paris' new Christian erotic thriller.  All are presented for a new wave of hip, fashionable sophisticated Evangelical Christians that Paris Hilton in her new found grasp of theology sees as the cutting edge of lifestyle and worship culture.

    As she made her way from the pulpit to the church's runway to model her ensemble for the paparazzi, the Reverend Paris Hilton reached her arms sky ward and proclaimed passionately, "Be fruitful, multiply, and shop 'til you drop, peoples."

    Just like you, when the old Celebrity eSnoopster thinks "dumb blonde," usually a vivid mental image of that booze addled Tara Reid is the first thing that pops into my mind.  However, thanks to the wonder of a shockingly, awesomely, bad blonde dye job we can now include Brad Pitt in the ranks of history's classic dumb blondes.  Surely, anyone who makes mini-minded Friend gal/ex-wife Jennifer Aniston appear intensely cerebral in comparison deserves his own wing in the Nit Wit Hall of Fame.  Nonetheless, the easily confused Mr. Pitt should get extra credit for good intentions at least.  Pitt recently completed a tour of the disaster area that was once the city of New Orleans.  Taking a page from his so-sexy-she's-actually-kind-of-scary girlfriend Angelina Jolie, Brad has been attempting to use his celebrity to help advance humanitarian causes.  Dressed in the full body, skin tight, black, rubber wet suit costume that he wears in his soon to be released Hollywood actioneer "G.A.Y. Navy F.R.O.G.s," Pitt smiled and aimlessly wandered around a crowded, chaotic temporary shelter set up amidst the twisted landscape of hurricane ravaged Louisiana.  As his large and heavily armed phalanx of bodyguards made way for him, the golden-haired slab of Tinseltown beefcake shook hands, held babies, and handed out autographed "Fight Club" jog bras to the puzzled refugees.  While pressing through the mass of heartbroken evacuees, Pitt's eye fell upon a beautiful nine month old baby dressed only in a diaper.  Pitt appeared clearly moved as he watched the child crawling across a tarp spread in front of a line of overflowing garbage cans.  Thinking once again of his so-sexy-she-could-probably-put-the-average-man-in-the hospital-after-a-night-of-unfettered-sensuality main squeeze Angelina Jolie, Pitt picked up the little hurricane survivor, held it close, and looked soulfully into its little brown eyes.  "You poor, pathetic, little orphan child!" Pitt proclaimed as the gathered media clustered around him with cameras whirring and snapping for their scheduled photo op.  "We all must look inside ourselves and search out our utmost humanity-ness and reach for the innermost stars of love and full caring-ness, and we must work to help these people who have been brought down low by this tragic natural disaster.  Each of us must do our part."  Clasping the little brown baby close to his chest, he wept theatrically then spoke.  "I will adopt you and take you into my heart-most place, and so that we can always remember the miracle of survival that brought you to us, I will name you Angelinus Big Easy Pitt-Jolie."  The assembled press corps cheered as the amazingly handsome matinee idol hoisted the baby up and then whisked him away to his nearby private helicopter.  The baby's astonished parents, still in shock after their recent rooftop rescue, yelled and chased after their baby but were brusquely turned away by Mr. Pitt's massive bodyguards.  As the simpleton superstar flew off into the smoke-filled horizon, his publicist was last seen giving the parents an autographed "Seven Years in Tibet" soft-sided lunch box and a lovely pair of rayon "Troy" boxer shorts.

    Of course, even the colossally tiny-brained Brad Pitt and that simpering imbecile party girl Tara Reid are smart enough to realize that now is a great time to aide the survivors of Hurricane Katrina by giving generously to the Red Cross Hurricane Relief Fund.  Your humble eSnoopster says, "Donate Today!"