May 20, 2005   eSLASHculture

-The following is an excerpt from the May 20, 2005 edition of The USA Today, Blue Section.

The "Green" SUV Controversy

    U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez on Thursday, May 19 placed a temporary ban on the sale and import of the controversial new "green" sport utility vehicle known as the Ford Extravaganza.  The massive new all terrain sport utility vehicles have been available for the past six months in Washington State and Oregon due to a loophole in the states' "heavy farm equipment" regulations  The controversy surrounding the vehicles has resulted in protests from environmental groups, law suits from vehicle manufacturers, and public mayhem with frequent skirmishes between frenzied chainsaw wielding suburban soccer moms.

Eco-Friendly SUVs

    The infamous "eco-friendly" SUV first came before the public eye when the Ford Motor Corporation paid for the product placement of their new plus-sized vehicle in the 2004 Hollywood action blockbuster "Kill-Maker."  The sight of heartthrob Brad Pitt sweating and stripped to the waist driving a souped up camouflaged Extravaganza while chasing eco-terrorists through the Brazilian rainforests touched a nerve in the public consciousness.  The movie set off an enormous wave of consumer interest and demand for the previously obscure industrial vehicle.  The SUV was  originally produced by the Melnick Corporation in 2002 as a prototype and was named the Crosslander.  Its unique Bio-Green catalytic converter and solar power panels made the Crosslander the first gasoline-free sport utility vehicle.  It was originally developed as a rugged all terrain vehicle for a team of Canadian explorers who were charting the deep Amazon basin rain forest.  Its unique catalytic system functions by converting living trees, shrubs, or foliage into fuel which combined with the solar panels powers the six ton vehicle.  The energy from a single medium sized tree fed into the rear hopper can power the vehicle for up to one hundred miles.  Although a success with explorers in South America and the Australian outback where conventional fuels are difficult to obtain, the Crosslander was thought to be too unwieldy for farm or consumer usage as it is nearly twice the size of a standard Hummer SUV.  However, the Ford Motor Corporation purchased the Melnick Corporation in July, 2004 and began to mass produce the Crosslander offshore in South America.  Renaming it the Extravaganza, it was positioned as a super-full sized addition to their SUV line that features the massive Ford Explorer, the grotesquely large Ford Expedition, and the quite absurdly huge Ford Excursion.  To avoid the stultifying regulatory environment of the United States, Ford began turning out over forty Extravaganzas a day in their non-union truck plant in Bogota, Columbia where labor is cheap and the local politicians are muy simpatico. 

An SUV Loophole

    By year's end in December,2004, trendy SUV enthusiasts in Seattle recognized a loophole in the state's heavy farm equipment regulations that would allow import of the vehicles by private citizens.  Within weeks, dozens of the fashionably gargantuan vehicles were seen lumbering through the suburbs of Seattle.  Initially environmentalist applauded the vehicle.  Although its "green" catalytic converter results in the SUV leaving a trademark trail of thick, sticky,  black-green slime in its wake, the debris is biodegradable, and the vehicle emits no fumes or gases to pollute the environment.  By January, 2005 in both Oregon and Washington State, hundreds of the 2005 model Ford Extravaganza LE edition had been imported.  The new edition featured not only four foot in diameter magnesium alloy rims but also a forty inch rear projection television and theater seating for fourteen passengers.  The most controversial feature was the new standard ultra-light graphite turbo chainsaw designed for easy ergonomic fuel harvesting.  Within weeks, residents of Portland, Seattle, and Olympia began to notice the rapid loss of trees throughout the area's public parks and recreation areas.  Given the huge increase in the cost of gasoline, the "green" SUVs became even more popular.  It has become a not infrequent sight to see suburban power moms wielding their featherweight chainsaws, felling trees, hooking them to their vehicle's hopper traction chains, and speeding off with enough fuel for another week's city driving.  With its powerful all wheel drive and rugged chassis, Extravaganza owners were able to go off road into less developed areas and easily harvest more fuel.  As a result, there was surprisingly rapid thinning of local forests.  By March, aerial photographs demonstrated rapid deforestation of the metropolitan areas and their immediate neighboring suburbs.  Environmental activist Lem Samuels was frank in his assessment of the allegedly "green" SUV.  "This Ford Extravaganza is the most evil SUV yet.  It eats trees and shits out a disgusting trail of excrement behind it.  Our group - the Northwest Tree Force - has been to the state capitols in Eugene and Olympia lobbying for legislation to keep these nature-eating behemouths out of our forests. It is no surprise that the bill we were pushing didn't get out of committee when all you had to do was look around the Senate parking lots and see dozens of Extravaganzas taking up three parking spaces apiece."  Samuel speculates that if unchecked, forty-five percent of the area's tree will be gone by early 2006. 

    Samuel's environmentalists are not the only group addressing the legal aspects of the new "green" SUVs.  Ford's competitors are suing to allow the import of their similar products.  GMC is already touting its new De-Forester EX model, which it claims is even bigger than the Extravaganza with seating for twenty-five.  Toyota has rushed eight ton Grand Omnivore into production.  Toyota claims that its new SUV will run not only on trees and plants but also on any available organic matter that can be stuffed into its extra large fuel hopper.  Though the aisles of the legislatures  are crowded with activists and lobbyists anxious to address the "green" SUV issue, the suburban streets in well-heeled subdivisions have become the battleground for disturbing new wave of violence and civil unrest.

Chainsaw Wielding Soccer Moms Run Amok

    Over sixty-five "green" SUV related arrests have been made since the Washington and Oregon law enforcement agencies have begun tracking this new outburst of lawlessness.  Oregon state trooper Sergeant John Maurice Coogan has been shocked by the ferocity of the new SUV related crimes.  "Typically, " explains Coogan, "You have a couple of Extravaganzas prowling around looking for fuel or staked out in the same empty lot.  Then you see them pull up to close a tree or some shrubbery they both want.  Then you'll see the drivers get out and get into an altercation.  It seems like they are always little five foot two women in expensive track suits and heels all pumped up on caffeine from Starbucks and ready for a scrap.  Next thing you know they pull out those ultra-light chainsaws and start circling each other looking to see who will back down first.  Then something sets them off, and its like a fight in one of those nature films about pumas or tigers.  I saw two little frosted blondes get into an altercation over the last oak tree left in an empty lot over in the Brimstone Manor subdivision in the northeast sector.  We got there too late.  One lost an arm and the other had her foot sawn clean off, but they kept after it, fighting like wild animals for that last tree to feed their SUVs.  I'm no psychologist, but it seems like driving those huge road crushers gives them a feeling of invincibility and entitlement.  Add those turbo-charged chainsaws and too many double venti mochachino espressos into the mix and you've got yourself a recipe for disaster."

    It is with great relief that Coogan and other regional law enforcement officials applaud Attorney General Ganzalez's "green" SUV ban.  Coogan sees the new ban as a step in the right direction but questions how in the long term the ban on the "green" SUVs can be enforced.  "Sure, they'll stop importing these monsters, but how do we shut down the ones that are already here?  Frankly, the rich folks driving them are the worst kind of scofflaws. In the past when we catch these SUVs trespassing and destroying property and try to pull them over, they just ignore the troopers and lumber away.  Maybe they've got that new U2 CD cranked up too loud to hear the sirens or maybe they just don't care.  Once they get out into the greenbelt with their four wheel drive, our cruisers can't keep up with them.  With their massive size and the heavy construction that makes them as impregnable as tanks, these Extravaganzas are pretty much unstoppable.  We have considered arming our troopers with RPGs - that's rocket powered grenade launchers to you civilians - to take them out when we catch them feeding in public parks or recreation areas.  Your best bet is to aim low and try to blow off a wheel  Then you'd best watch yourself when they're pulled over.  There's no telling what might happen when one of those riled up soccer moms comes at you with a chainsaw.  It's like a war out there."