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Greetings eSLASHculture fans! It is our pleasure to announce that on April 28, 2005 eSLASHculture.com was acquired by the LAFF-RITE Corporation. eSLASHculture is now proud to be a member LOTSALAFFSNET.com, a full service, state-of-the-art web portal and entertainment destination site featuring some of today's best and brightest internet comedy. From silly jpeg jokes to humorous blogs, you can find it all at LOTSALAFFSNET.com. You can look forward to more eSLASHculture comedy to come as well as an updated and more user friendly web site. But for now, LOTSALAFFSNET.com is proud to present this week's installment of eSLASHculture... May 2, 2005 eSLASHculture 4.13 eSNOOPculture Celebrity Corner 2005 Jazz Fest Edition Every year it is a treat for your humble eSNOOPster to abandon weary, old El Lay and depart to the sun drenched, openly decaying streets of the Big Easy. This year the annual New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival was bigger than ever with massive crowds and a veritable "Who's Who" of ephemeral, valueless celebrities dotting the Fairgrounds and its environs. Your eSNOOPster was delighted to see old friend and honorary New Orleanian John Goodman holding court amongst a bevy of adoring fans passed out face first in a huge pile of Lite beer cans by the Acura Stage where jam band favorites Widespread Panic were droning on and on doling out their usual innervating pointless twaddle-rock. Goodman appeared rested and at ease, his face and clothes smeared with what appeared to be the fabulous Crawfish Monica and lightly flecked with the rich, flavorful deer andouille gumbo. Nearby, a hair-trigger tempered Nicholas Cage screamed torrents of abuse and blasphemy at the hapless Congo Square food tent employee whom he claimed served him an undersized portion of the yummy couscous with yogurt sauce. Sadly, the fiery has-been thespian's profanity-laced tirade drowned out a lively salsa-tinged set from Paky Saaverido's Bandidos nearby. While strolling through the heat and dust and surveying the weary, sweaty, and filthy crowd of festival goers, your humble eSNOOPster felt the call of nature and made a pit stop at the cluster of Port-o-lets behind the Fais Do-do Stage. As any seasoned Jazz Fest aficionado will tell you, the Port-o-lets behind the Cajun stage are among the most intense and challenging facilities of the entire Fest, but when nature calls, the eSNOOPster listens. Fortunately, with Nathan and the Zydeco Cha Chas onstage nearby, the crowds were light. It was with much amazement that once I got to the head of the line I saw a celebrity of the first order step out from t he fetid green and white latrine before me. It was none other than former-insufferable-professional-virgin-screechy-no-talent-teen-singer-turned-pointless-fashion-plate-glamour-gal Jessica Simpson herself. Dressed in a dazzlingly immaculate, white Jean Paul Gaultier matching chain mail bra and micro bondage skirt, La Simpson was delectable as she stepped out of the Port-o-let. Amongst the squalid, dust covered commoners, she stood out like a daisy atop a dung heap. Though in the past Ms. Simpson has struggled to keep the pounds off, she looked radiantly emaciated with her delicate waist set off beautifully by her full, heavily augmented breasts. I asked Ms. Jessica what her secret was. She told me that to prepare for her upcoming, demanding, dramatic role as Daisy Duke in the "Dukes of Hazard" remake filming in Baton Rouge she has completely committed herself to the hot new weight loss regimen that is sweeping Hollywood: The Celebrity South Feces Diet. "It's amazing," she gushed to me. "Instead of eating only a salad and a banana every day, I go to one of these great Port-o-lets, and I can eat all the shit I want, all day every day until I'm full. I just hated those diets where you live on twenty calories three times a day, a case of Diet Coke, and twenty tabs of pseudofed. I just love the South Feces Diet. Just give me a big plate full of crap morning, noon, and night, and I am as happy as a pig in slop," the astonishingly trim actress gushed in her new Southern accent. Admiring the anorexicly shapely figure of America's reality show sweetheart, your humble eSNOOPster just had to agree, and I cheerfully enjoined the perky, pocket diva to go eat shit. Jessica Simpson pivoted, smiled and replied merrily, "You know, I think I will. It's just amazing that I am already hungry again." Just as she was about to clamber back into the Port-o-let, who should cut in line in front of her but sultry-sexy-slutty-terminally-bored-former-porn-skank-turned-beloved-American-entertainer Paris Hilton. The slender, slatternly heiress/harridan was stunning in a retro Halston pink leather handkerchief hem disco dress with punishing, crimson seven inch Jimmy Choo heels. "Excuse me, " Jessica Simpson barked. "I was using this Port-o-let first." The scene turned ugly in a heartbeat as Ms. Paris elbowed past her. "Back off, cupcake," La Hilton warned as she pushed her way into the steaming latrine. "I'm on the South Feces Diet, too, and this is my buffet, bitch!" In a flash, both blonde mega-watt super-babe starlets were at each other with claws and teeth bared. Quickly an amazed crowd gathered and shouted cheers of encouragement to the glamorous, petite pugilists as they circled each other looking for a weakness or an opportunity to pounce, driven mad by chronic weight loss and coprophagia. In moments, the two were rolling in the muck, tussling, pulling hair, and pelting each other with turds. I would like to be able to report to you the winner of this Clash of the Blonde Titans, but, sadly, your humble eSNOOPster heard all too loudly the call of nature once again. I slipped into a nearby empty Port-o-let and relieved myself to the muffled sounds of clothes being ripped, hair being pulled, and oversized fake breasts being slapped about. And so goes another action-packed year at the Jazz and Heritage Festival in the Big Easy. Until next time, this is the Celebrity eSNOOPster reminding you to always keep your eyes on the ground and your feet on the stars! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Now thanks to the LAFF-WRITE Corporation's new TALK BACK technology, you can share your thoughts about today's new eSLASHculture right now with your own postings .... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ****************TALK BACK**************************************************************************** Crap by whatchutalkin'bout This has to be the worst eSLAHSculture report ever. The show sucks now. Corporate Sellout by bucknowz Ever since eSLASHculture sold out to those pigs at LOTTSALAFFSNET.com the show has gone straight down the tubes. You just know it is all about the money now with heartless cruelty taking a backseat to more boring celebrity reportage. Stinking Piles by monkeyspanker Yeah, I hear Jeff doesn't even write this crap anymore. I hear he has like five or six assistants who rip the pieces off from Eastern European comedy sites, translate the stuff into English, and change the names and then he just signs off on them. What a drag. Beg to Differ by 291632 ...I beg to differ . Can't you ignoramuses see this is a scathing indictment of celebrity culture? That Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton are portrayed as literally having to eat shit to stay flickering before the public eye is both a stinging rebuke of these pseudo-celebrities and a pointed critique of the insatiable maw of contemporary media which masks its hatred of these pathetic show ponies as fascination. This piece is one of the most brilliant columns yet! No Way by happygnome No way. They just wanted to come up with as many ways to say "shit" as they could think of. It stinks. I remember back when eSLASHculture was still decent and they would spend whole months at a time getting after Oprah. Now it just sucks. Not Funny by health1st Did you know that coprophagia is one of the most debilitating eating disorders in the entire United States? It afflicts not just celebrities and models but hundreds of thousands of hard working Americans every year. The fact that brave individuals like Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton have come out as coprophages does more to fight this devastating illness than a dozen public service announcements ever could. Kudos to the hard hitting reporters at eSLASHculture.
P.S. Please forward this to someone you think might like it, and don't forget to hit the humble-but-still-boldly-independent web site at <eSLASHculture.com>.
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