March 24, 2005

eSLASHculture News Bulletin

Pinellas Park, Fla. - A shocking outburst of brutal violence shook this small community that has been rocked by the ongoing controversy over the fate of Terri Schiavo.  Outside the hospice that has become ground zero in the recent Right-to-Life showdown, paramedics carted bodies out of the smoking rubble of Woodside Hospice.  The trouble began at five forty-three this morning when a platoon of eighteen heavily armed right-to-life activists stormed the hospice at the crack of dawn taking the local police force maintaining order in the area by surprise.  The local law enforcement detail of a dozen deputies was exhausted from five days spent securing the ever more volatile protesters.  Caught unawares by the highly organized assault team, they were pinned behind the nearby hospice maintenance building by covering fire from one squad of the fundamentalist gunmen as the second squad used a high explosive device to breach the main entrance to the facility.  In a tragic miscalculation, the explosive charge was far too powerful and destroyed an entire wall, a nurse station, and a therapy room.  As smoke billowed out of the hospice windows and the gaping hole in the front wall, the camouflaged and masked gunmen charged fearlessly into the hospice guns blazing.  As they frantically rushed into the ward, feeding tubes at the ready, to rescue the person they see as a victim of a godless society's savagery, a group of state troopers arrived on the scene and staged a daring counterattack rallying the local police officers.  The first squad of activists was quickly overpowered, and Florida State Trooper James Kane lead his men into the teeth of the Right-to-Lifers' automatic weapons fire to reclaim the hospice and subdue the remaining raiders.

    The action was brief, brutal, and bloody.  In the forty-two minutes of the battle, casualties were heavy with two nurses, a janitor, and a dietician critically injured.  Seventeen law enforcement officials were wounded, and over two dozen hospice employees were injured or suffered from smoke inhalation.  As the leader of the fundamentalist commando squad was taken into custody, he removed his mask and identified himself as Reverend Brother Colonel Rufus T. Summoner of the Rescue Church of Redeeming Life Crusade Force.  At his arraignment, he read a prepared statement:

    "I and my fellow Servant Warriors pray for and believe in the sacred sanctity of human life in all its blessed and wonderous forms.  We do not believe a judge, a court, or man's law can ever choose to end the precious and holy gift of life, and we are willing to kill anyone who stands in our way as we enforce our chosen ministry of life."