February 17, 2005

eSNOOPculture Celebrity Corner Valentine's Day Edition

    Well, here it is a sunny February in L.A., and that most sacred of holidays - Valentine's Day - has come, and love is well and truly in the air.  Perhaps in the past, this column may have struck some as merely a fount of gossip and mean spirited celebrity chatter, but for one week of the year your humble eSNOOPster has put all that aside.  This week we will speak to you only of love in its truest, boldest, most impassioned L.A. form.  To whit ...

    Your humble eSNOOPster had the good fortune of running into Hollywood's hottest couple of lovebirds on Valentine's Day.  I spotted Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner at the super-hot bistro of the moment, Wolfgang's Puck's Monkey Brains Brasserie.  It was all lovey-dovey hand holding and canoodling in a romantic corner booth as the coltish, kinetic "Alias" cutie and her lumpish, bullet-faced beau Ben shared an intimate meal.  They snuggled together in the viewing area as they picked out their primate entree from the gourmet menagerie of live apes arrayed for their dining pleasure.  Back at their table moments later, the two superstars playfully fed each other spoonfuls of basil and shitake glazed gibbon brains scooped out of the smoking, grinning monkey skull placed before them.  As your humble eSNOOPster enjoyed a veggie medulla oblongata omelet, I could feel the love all the way across the crowded room.  Despite his troublesome past history, it is clear that this time it's for real for Big Ben.  There is a steady, constant buzz of impending engagement chatter coming from both the Garner and Affleck camps, and jewelers from across the globe have been elbowing each other out of the way to show their gaudy mega-carat baubles to Mr. Affleck in hopes of creating an engagement ring worthy of the lithesome Ms. Garner.

    In a related story, just yesterday I had the good fortune to sneak into the top secret closed door auditions being held in West Hollywood to cast the role of Ben Affleck's Next Celebrity Girlfriend.  It was a veritable "Who's Who" of L.A.'s hottest hot girl talent parading through Affleck's production office.  Megawatt  starlets such as Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff were in line to read for the part.  Even some of Tinsel town's more established stars such as Jennifer Anniston and Angelina Jolie showed up to give it their all.  Though given her Oscar winning status La Jolie never auditions anymore, the freakishly sexy star was glad to try out for the part of Mr. Affleck's future gal pal.  Even the most popular Hollywood hotties cannot resist the landslide of publicity that comes as a side affect of dating the lumpy lothario.  Though the Great Man himself was not present for the proceedings, my sources tell me that Ben is looking very closely at the videotaped auditions.  Although there is no clear front runner among the dozens of candidates at this point, my source says that Mr. Affleck is leaning towards "something ethnic and busty."  We love Ben and Jen, but being hopeless romantics, we just can't wait to see which leading lady will win the role as Ben Affleck's next bit of lap candy.  Oh, you lucky girl, whoever you are!

    A little bird at ultra-posh, supremely expensive Salon de la Sibyl tells me that one of the eSNOOPster's very favorite-est celebrities stopped by for a complete tune up prior to a hot Valentine's Day date.  Aging sex kitten, semi-singer, leathery lovey-gal Janet Jackson spent the entire day in the salon getting "Le Works" in preparation for her mystery date.  Like a battleship being hauled into dry dock and scraped before a big mission, La Janet was revitalized and ultra-glamorized from stem to stern.  Salon de la Sibyl makes a specialty of using the latest high tech cosmetic procedures to slap the Hands of Time away from the faces and other tender body parts of Los Angeles' "women of a certain age."  Ms. Jackson, whose image over the last few years has morphed from "robust, earthy sensuality" to "freakish and actually a little scary," took full advantage of the salon's expertise.  She had full body carnauba and wasabi infused mud wraps followed by formaldehyde and virgin papaya infused extract rinses.  Technicians labored for hours cleaning, disinfecting, and revitalizing her numerous piercings.  My little bird also tells me that Cupid, loaded down with a quiver full of Botox-tipped arrows, left Ms. Jackson's lips, forehead, and eyes as youthful and startled looking as ever.  Imported Swiss hydroponic de-ionized collagen brought a plump, over-ripe, voluptuous, blowsy smile back to those famous well-worn lips.  My source also tells me that Ms. Jackson finished her day off with a special treatment that left the weathered, hard -worn diva's skin and figure with a healthy, rich, opulent sheen.  The secret technique: a team of six technicians swarmed over the completely naked sex symbol armed with rubber  mitts applying generous amounts of Armour-All protectant probing every nook and cranny.  Then they buffed her to a lustrous showroom shine. 

    So who could could the lucky mystery date be?  Some speculate that tiresome, retro-rocker, ebony love bug Lenny Kravitz may be buzzing about the frequently pollinated flower of Ms. Jackson's love, but no!   A quick look at the NBA schedule shows that the visiting national championship basketball team from the Motor City was in town to battle the Los Angeles Lakers on Valentine's Day.  I have no doubt that by midnight after the game, the randy  Ms. Jackson's boudoir was jam packed with Detroit Pistons.  Oooh la la!  I suppose it is just another "Escapade" for this "Nasty Girl" who is always in "Control."  I guess "That's the Way Love Goes" when you're a "Pathetic Old Freak."

    Although your humble eSNOOPster is always quick to trumpet the latest exclusive news and claim to be right all the time, I am also big enough to admit when I am occasionally wrong.  Like many others, I, too, predicted doom, gloom, and a hasty divorce when sassy, trashy, mini-minded glamour doll Britney Spears tied the knot with her ape-like, low-browed, large-membered dancer buddy Kevin Federline.  However, I am happy to say that I was wrong about these two down-to-earth lovebirds.  The fact is that marital bliss hangs in a dense fog about the two lovebirds like dope smoke at a Foghat concert.  They are still hot and heavy for each other, and they are almost inseparable.  Many other impoverished young men like K-Fed come to Hollywood they might lose the plot and get locked into a downward spiral of drug use, bad fashion choices, and affairs with ever-younger Lolitas.  However, our Britney has kept her man fat, dumb, and happy.  So what is Ms. Spears sexy little love secret that keeps her man locked up in love? 

    Although they live in a standard posh twenty bedroom mansion in the Hollywood hills, Britney gave Kevin a special lovers' treat for his birthday last  month.  She gave him his very own deluxe double wide trailer and had it installed in the ballroom of their palatial home.  Now instead of going out prowling the Playboy Mansion or hooking up at hot new Sunset Strip dance club Labia Vulgaris, K-Fed just loves to stay home in his trailer with his adoring wife.  There's no place like home, and the Spearses are happy to eschew all the Hollywood glitz and glamour for the little love nest on wheels.  My sources tell me it brings back happy childhood memories for the power couple and that they haven't left the trailer en maison for over three weeks.  Every day deliverymen line up to unload crates full of Slim Jims, Doral Lite cigarettes, Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, and a dizzying array of Little Debbie products which are piled up in racks on the ballroom floor all around the trailer.  I recently saw an adorable picture of the lovebirds celebrating their three month wedding anniversary.  Cuddling together in a Lazee Boy recliner in front of a big screen projection TV that barely fits in the trailer, Britney is curled up in Kevin's lap.  As he watches NASCAR, you can see the love in her eyes as she picks a bug out of his greasy beard and grooms her mate.  Of course even their idyllic little life is not without incident.  On Valentine's Day while Kevin was asleep on the couch, Britney decided to sneak out to get a special treat for K-Fed: a piping hot 96 piece Chicken McNugget Party Pack from McDonalds.  Sadly while she was gone, the cleaning crew came through the trailer to tidy up.  Squalid is a strong word so let's just say the mobile home was in disarray.  While clearing out over three hundred pounds of empty bottles, cans, and junk food wrappers, the janitors accidentally hauled away the slumbering Kevin Federline along with the rest of the trailer trash.  Upon her return Britney was distracted briefly as she watched the conclusion of "The Young and The Restless," and then she immediately noticed her husband was gone.  A quick frantic search turned up the happy hubby out back sound asleep in the dumpster no worse for the wear.  Just moments later they were up to their elbows in McNuggets enjoying the good life.  They say true love travels on a gravel road, and in fact, sometimes it parks there in a cozy little trailer for two as well.

    Well, that's all for now here in Los Angeles.  Until next time the eSNOOPster reminds you to always keep you eyes on the ground and your feet on the stars.