February 7, 2005

-The following is an excerpt from CNN.com.

Exciting New Energy Source Discovered

    Scientists in Tulsa, Oklahoma have developed a powerful new energy source that generates clean, reproducible power with no pollutants.  The Sangster Project, an independent research firm, has been able to harness the awesome natural power of fat, angry women talking on cell phones and use it to produce over 2.3 gigawatts of electricity per second.

    Lief Sangster, the head of the project, explains that this new, renewable power source can generate enough electricity to power whole cities without exhausting any oil or mineral resources.  "It  was incredible," Sangster recalls.  "I had my 'Eureka Moment' in a seedy, run down, suburban Wal-Mart in Tulsa of all places.  I had to dash out in the middle of the night to get some more blank CD-Rs to back up my data, and the only place open was the Super Wal-Mart.  Well, I grabbed my discs, and there was only one cashier open at two in the morning.  There were seven or eight people in line, and in front of me was this big, fat angry woman who was just completely losing it on her cell phone.  She must have been about three hundred pounds with a lot of really badly permed blonde hair, and she was wearing one of those big over-sized sweaters with little bits of leather and glitter glued all over it and a pair of tights.  The cashier's register was jammed.  All of us in that line were upset, but this lady was inconsolable, and she was just ripping into someone on the other end of that phone.  I think it must have been her teenaged step-daughter, and she was raving about how she lived like a pig and never did the laundry and how her boyfriend was no good trailer trash and how she never treated her step-mother with any respect.

    "Well, I stood there in line behind her for fifteen minutes solid, and she never stopped.  I thought to myself that if I could take all that pure energy and harness it, I could light up all of Tulsa.  Then I thought, What the heck?  I'm a sub-particle theoretical physicist, why not give it a try?  When I got back to my lab, I couldn't get the idea out of my head so I got Rick Oldman, my electron shell guy, on the phone.  He was excited about it, too.  He came right down, and that night we doped out a subionic modulator and designed a simple quark bean target system and transmogrifier.  We coupled it to a variable matrix chip, and there it was.  Next thing you know we had a working model to transfer metaphysical energy pulses into an ion capture system in the form of a simple chip that could be fitted into a standard cell phone.  Elsie, the night cleaning lady at the lab, thought we were crazy interrupting her work, but I got her to use the prototype cell phone unit.  She's a big lady and very volatile, but  I had her call her cousin Sadie in Atlanta from right there in the lab.  It was tough to get her started, but once she got going telling her cousin all about how her second husband was a no good playboy who couldn't hold down a job we saw the ammeter start to flicker.  Then  when she started talking about her first husband and that bitch sister-in-law of hers, she started to scream into the phone, and we got up to peak levels.  We knew we were in business then.  She stayed on the phone for over two hours complaining bitterly to her cousin the whole time, and we clocked in over 2,000 megawatts of power.  It was just a matter of rigging a wireless step-up transformer, and then we channeling all that deep, powerful metaphysical anger into real, useful electricity."

    Just weeks later after confirming their findings with additional testing, a pilot program was begun which put over forty specially modified cell phones into the hands of angry, overweight women all over the Tulsa metro area.  The experimental subjects were offered completely free cell phone usage including unlimited daytime, nighttime, long distance, and local minutes.  In just days, Sangster and his colleagues watched as their network harvested over 50 gigawatts of power per day.  Sangster envisions networks throughout the United States and anywhere there are abundant overweight angry women.    He believes the technology will soon exist to make conventional energy sources such as oil, natural gas, and coal obsolete.

    "The potential is almost unlimited," Sangster speculates.  "This will mean the end of the Oil Wars in the Middle East, and there will be no more nuclear disasters like the ones we have seen at Three Mile Island and Chernobyl.  The ability to convert metaphysical energy in the form of angry, fat women on cell phones into electricity changes everything.  Of course, in a way, it is sad that these distraught, obese women can't channel all that energy into losing weight, coming to grips with their problems directly, and living a happy fulfilling lives.  Still at least these women who used to be figures of derision can now be seen as important, productive members of society working for the common good via their constant ranting into their cell phones whether it be in cars, in restaurants, or even in line at Wal-Mart."

   
    Sangster is reluctant to comment on the prospect, but some experts speculate  that there is a potential risk to this new technology.  Says CNN energy expert Mace Gaarsston, "Free energy from channeling all the anger of these fat women into electricity sounds great, but what if that same technology can be modified or in some way malfunctions so that these fat women can directly disperse that electricity?  Next thing you know you've got these huge, angry women using their special cell phones to emit super powerful photon blasts of energy or death rays.  It could be like something out of one of those X-Men movies.  Imagine these huge, enraged behemoths roaming the streets blasting  holes through their common law husbands or step-children or blowing up the car in front of them in the drive-thru line at Krispy Kreme with their cell phones.  It could be a nightmare, a bleak, apocalyptic vision of the future.  These women are not to be trifled with."

    Sangster and his co-workers claim that their devices contain restrictive software and dongles and an industrial secret patented "energy gatekeeper" program that would prevent unauthorized usage of the harvested electricity.  He is convinced the use of these cell phones as weapons is simply not possible.  Unworried by naysayers and alarmists, Sangster is hard at work on his next project:  channeling the vast untapped power which could be generated from the rage of bitter, resentful employees surfing the net while working at jobs they hate.  "Trust me," says Sangster, the visionary.  "Fat angry women on cell phones are just the tip of the iceberg."