January 26, 2005

-The following is an excerpt from the internet reality television show tipsheet  "Reality Series Confidential" dated January 26, 2005.

NEW MTV REALITY SERIES DETAILS LEAKED

by Count Orlock

     Orlock here!  Though formal announcements are still weeks away, we here at R.S. Confidential have got the scoop on MTV's hot new reality shows due to hit the airwaves in May, 2005.  It looks like a roster filled with promising new shows ranging from the freakishly cruel and mean-spirited to the merely cruel and mean-spirited.  Here are a few highlights of what we can look forward to seeing in the Spring:

"Snoop Dogg's My Bitch" - one lucky white eighth grader in suburban Stillwater, Oklahoma wins the ultimate prize: two weeks with the smokin', tokin', big pimpin' Snoop Diggity Dogg as his personal servant.  What a premise and what a thrill to have the DoggFather on call 24/7.  I've seen rough footage from the first couple of  hours, and it looks fantastic.  Sure,  winner BIlly Patterson does just what you'd expect any fourteen year old to do the first couple of days, sending Snoop out to get pizza day and night, having the Chronic smokin' King of Long Beach buy beer for him and his buddies, and making him drive through McDonalds in his custom purple stretch convertible '57 Caddy over and over.  However, pretty soon Snoop takes a firm hand and teaches the young man from a culture far different from his own important life lessons.  Like how to roll with the junior high school's major playas smoking bud in the boys room, how to keep it real with your parents when they catch you stealing drug money from them, how to dress like a completely pimped out street hoodlum, and how to make a fully functional bong out of a Nintendo PS2.

    My sources tell me that MTV is so high - pardon the pun - on the concept that they have already begun work on the second series, "Snoop Dogg's My Bitch Junior" wherein the blunt smokin' convicted drug dealer takes a lucky kindergartener under his wing.  See Snoop stone cold kickin' it while finger painting in art class, bustin' out a badass rap during nap time, and driving a school bus full of screaming kids through a Fat Burger stand during recess.

"Espanol Para Usher" - killing two birds with one stone, MTV combines reality show fun with federally mandated public service programming as the network sends the jittery mahogany lover-man singer south of the border.  After parachuting into the untamed jungles of Venezuela, Usher has just seventy-two hours to make it out of the jungle, learn Spanish, and make it to the big show in Caracas on time.  The dailies I've seen so far show the hip hop heartthrob battling banditos while learning tough irregular and intransitive verbs all the while stopping to bust out chart-topping hits all in Spanish.  Once you hear him kick out the jams on new Spanish versions of his hits "Si! (con Juan Poquito)," "Arder," and "Mi Boo (con Alicia Keys)" you'll be cheering "Mucho Gusto, Senor Usher!"

"Taking the Boy Band" -  take one super-hot blonde boy band from Amsterdam on their first American tour, add thousands of screaming fans, throw in leathery-but -still-sexy hostess and cradle robber extraordinaire Demi Moore into the mix, and then see which of these young men can stay celibate the longest.  HANS OFF!!! is the hottest new boy band in Europe with three platinum albums already under their belts.  They are unknown in the U.S., but that is all about to change as they embark on a sexually charged tour of America.  Aside from the challenge of making it in the States, young Ludwig, Herman, Adolph, Irwin, and Josef have their work cut out for them.  Under twenty-four hour surveillance, the last of these little blonde Dutch boys to resist the temptations of groupies, strippers, and - of course - Demi will win a solo recording contract and one hundred Krugerrands as the big pay off.  With their matching school boy uniforms, Nordic good looks, and round the clock MTV publicity, every girl in America will want to join in "Taking the Boy Band."  Aside from the usual tour temptations, HANS OFF!!! will face Celibacy Challenges in Los Angeles at the Playboy Mansion, in Las Vegas at the Body Shotz Strip-kini Finals at the Hard Rock Casino, and at a final Gay Celibacy Challenge in the heart of the Castro in San Francisco hosted by special guest John Waters.  Four weeks of erotically charged road adventures are sure to separate the men from the boys, but don't worry, Middle America, all five members of HANS OFF!!! are over eighteen and doctor-certified disease free.  Their  heartwarming message of celibacy is sure to appeal to parents everywhere.

"Suck and Tell With Paris Hilton" - this not just a cooking show, and it's not just a lifestyle show.  It's a sexy hot mix of MTV's "Cribs" mixed with "The Simple Life" and a new concept MTV execs are calling "Pimp My Kitchen."  It sounds crazy, but what I've seen so far looks great.  Here's the idea:  every week skanky celebrity fellatrix Paris Hilton will go on a road trip to visit another celebrity's home and sample some good old-fashioned home cooking.  In the pilot episode, the talent-free heiress heads to Atlanta to visit the palatial mansion of rap-creature-of-the-moment Lil' John.  After a tour of the crunky master rapper's garish French Provincial manse, Paris repairs to the kitchen where she gets down to business.  With Paris blindfolded and the cameras rolling, Lil' John lets  her sample his specialty:  Cribs and Bloods Hickory Smoked Sausage.  After he feeds her the hearty entree, Paris has ten minutes to finish it all and then tell Lil' John and the viewers what she just ate.  I know it doesn't sound like Shakespeare, but the footage I saw was a lot of good natured fun.  Producer Jay Koogman tells me the next episode will send Paris to Philadelphia to hang with NBA bad boy Allen Iverson.  The Answer will let the slutty supervixen choke down a hearty helping of his famous Philly Tube Steak and then see if Paris has an answer of her own.  Says Koogman, "'Suck and Tell With Paris Hilton' is a funky little show.  Lots of celebrities, lots of fun, and best of all we just love to watch people stuffing things into Paris Hilton's mouth."  Here, here! says Count Orlock!

    Well, squirts, that's all we have so far.  There is another top secret show scheduled for roll out in May, but even old Count Orlock hasn't been able to get a peak at it yet.  Word on the street is that the working title is "Beyonce Knowles' Walk a Mile in My Ass."  Stay tuned to R.S. Confidential for more details.