January 6, 2005

Clear Channel's New Radio Stations

-The following is an excerpt from an internal memo from Talv Fannsstterrpalx, Clear Channel Director of Marketing, to Salk Kaandderrppoll, Vice President of Programming.

Salk,

It is evident that Clear Channel is at a crossroads in its quest to develop a monopoly to choke the life out of broadcast radio and the music industry in North America.  Though our evil corporate minion Ticketmaster continues to tax the live music industry effectively, the advent of satellite radio poses a real challenge to our dominance of the airwaves.  The sheer number and variety of channels offered by Sirius and XM Radio have made our homogenous, lowest common denominator approach to programming obsolete.  Faced with competitors that offer niche stations featuring everything from show tunes to hard core punk, we have devised a roster of new "Targeted Destination Stations" or TDSs.  Each will have its own unique mood, tone, and marketing demographic.  The days of severely limited play lists and "safe" artists are gone.  Here is a roster of some of our new niche Targeted Destination Stations:

The River:  a station dedicated to a steady flow of beautiful, contemporary pop music creating a relaxing mood and featuring a refreshing mix of some of today's most exciting new artists as well as old favorites.  Jazzy new tunes from Norah Jones, timeless hits from Elton John, and classic American standards revisited by Rod Stewart create an enervating soundscape for work or home.  You'll want to float downstream on The River.

The Coma:  there will be times when you want a something a little softer than The River.  Those are the special times for The Coma, when a mood of free-floating inertia and mindless prattle just feels right.  The Coma presents a seamless program of burbling, faceless music, the perfect balm for those jangled Baby Boomer nerves.  From the anodyne jazz artistry of Norah Jones to the senseless pop babble of Air Supply to the timeless pop standards made simperingly meaningless by Rod Stewart, The Coma has the groove that will make you not want to move.  Switch on The Coma and get comfortably numb.

The Slammer:  finally, a station tailor made for the 8% of the radio listening public currently incarcerated.  Just like penal servitude, The Slammer offers a myriad of moods and sounds for everything from working out in the yard to showering up with your crew to just kicking back in your cell.  The masterful and calming soul stylings of Lionel Ritchie mix with the upbeat, jazzy swing of Norah Jones.  Though corporal punishment, public beatings, and even stress positioning are no longer Constitutionally protected, wardens and interrogators can still have options.   Daily doses of all three volumes of Rod Stewart's intense, demoralizing pop standards albums are broadcast regularly and are guaranteed to break the spirit and crush the will of even the toughest of cons.  The Slammer - There's no getting away from it!

The Metal Fist:  heavy metal is the music of youth, aggression, and the disposable income of males aged fifteen to twenty-eight.  The Metal Fist pounds home a non-stop metal assault on the senses.  A jackhammer mix of the sonic attack of Slipknot, the classic metal thrash of Judas Priest, and the jazz stylings of Norah Jones, The Metal Fist will pound your ears into submission.  Special programming events like "Saturdays With Satan" will feature the lush pop standards of evil corporate doppelganger Rod Stewart played backwards at full volume to reveal their hidden message of savage fealty to the Dark Overlord.  Let  The Metal Fist beat your senseless!

The Clinic:  whether you're in the ER waiting for your number to be called or just chilling in X-Ray, The Clinic has the music to set that special mood.  A lush variety of soothing sounds as well as upbeat lite rock makes The Clinic the perfect aural antidote to a day of healthcare.  When you're toughing out a brutal colonoscopy, who better to set a easy rocking mood than Billy Joel?  The jazzy stylings of Norah Jones will make even the bleakest, most pointless rehab session all that much more enjoyable.  And, of course, there is no better music for having that broken jaw wired or that shattered hip replaced than the free swinging fun of Rod Stewart's rakish twist on America's beloved pop standards.  Tune in The Clinic and get healed!