February 14, 2006

-The following is an excerpt from the February 14, 2006 edition of The Tulsa Tribune.

Busted Hearts:  Romance Advice for Men

by James "Jammy" Handinsaw

Dear Jammy,

I'm just a regular guy - I work in the warehouse at the Office Depot on 81st Street - and I have fallen in love.  My special lady works for a law firm downtown and comes in every other week to pick up a big order.  For the last couple of months, I've tried to get to know her and break the ice by talking about her order or the weather or about how hot she looks, but she always gives me the cold shoulder, even that time I followed her out to the parking lot and showed her the new rims on my car.  Nothing seems to work, and lately she has been sending one of the law clerks to pick up her order.  Her name is Jill -------, and I got her address and stuff off of Google.  Now when I happen to just run into her in front of her apartment or at the health club where she works out on Tuesday and Thursday nights she just gets all upset and runs away.  I know from the movies and TV that if you're in love sometimes you've got to fight to make it work out.  Well, I am ready.  The problem is that just today Jill ------- filed some kind of court order and had a sheriff deliver it to me.  What should I do, Jammy?  Follow my heart or just give up on true love?

Signed, Passionate in Pawhuska

Dear Passionate,

Court order, peace bond, or restraining order,  whatever you call it I've seen 'em all and I've been served 'em all, and I can tell you one thing for sure:  Jill ------- don't love you, buddy.  At least not right now.  They say that true love sometimes travels on a gravel road.  Now there's times that the road to your heart's true love takes you to a big, fancy dinner at T.G.I.Fridays, a moonlight ride to the La Quinta, and a night of all of your dreams coming true.  Other times that road leads to an unheated jail cell in the Owasso Sheriff's office where the jailor hits you in the face with a phone book and tells you to leave his niece alone or he'll cut your johnson off.  I can't tell you whether to give up on this gal or not, but I can give you some good practical romantic advice.  When you're stalking that special lady, be sure to never carry a gun or a retractable blade knife with a  blade longer than your palm.  It's the little things like that that can add an extra three to five years to your sentence.  Also don't be surprised if that special Cupid who can help you out in your love quest turns out to be a reliable, reputable bail bondsman.  I usually go with the ones that have their stickers on the wall next to the phones in Central Lockup.  Good luck, buddy, and cherchez la femme!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Jammy,

Suzy and me have been together for over a month now, and she's the light of my life.  We met and fell in love at the Hooters on Memorial, and I'm sure she's the one for me.  I'm just a regular guy, and I don't  know much about getting engaged.  Suzy's been married two or three times already so when I pop the question I want to do it up right.  Do you have any romantic advice about getting engaged?

Signed, Soon to be Betrothed in Broken Arrow

Dear Betrothed,

Getting engaged is always special.  I've probably been engaged a hundred times and each time filled me with that tenderness, passion, and heartfelt fulfillment that can only come from finding one's true soul mate.  Regardless though, you don't want to jump into something like this half-cocked.  My daddy, Big Jammy, once gave me some great advice.  He told me, "Son, when you're ready to settle down and get married you better pick  you a damn good woman because often that first marriage will last longer than all the others put together."  That said, if you are sure that Suzy's the gal for you, here's some advice on popping the question.  The secret is to set a romantic and memorable mood.  You can find everything  you need for that special night at that Circle K just down the road.  Grab up two or three bottles of Cold Duck, some of them musk scented candles, a couple of "novelties" from the machine in the men's room, and one of those folded up red roses that unfolds into a G-string and you're good to go.  I've learned that - like all the other key moments in life - popping the question goes a lot better if you've got a pretty good load on so don't be stingy with the wine, buddy.  Finally, remember that women love romance and surprises, but be sure to call ahead of time before popping in.  The last thing you want is one of her exes or some spoiled brat step-kid hanging around and horning in on that special night when you and your lady celebrate your everlasting love together. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Jammy,

Seems like every year Valentine's Day rolls around and I'm stuck as to what to do.  Truth is there's no one extra special to me right now, but I don't want to spend another year alone without the thrill of romance in my life.  Have you got some good romantic advice on how to spend Valentine's Day?  What will you do to celebrate the official holiday of true love?

Signed, Alone in Ardmore

Dear Alone,

Just like usual this year I'll celebrate Valentine's Day with the special lady love of my life, the woman who completes me:  my common law wife Jolene.  Sadly, the Women's Correctional Institute in Claremore has shortened their visiting hours to just from two 'til four this year.  Still, that time we have together will be special.  They don't allow flowers in the big house so instead I will bring Jolene her favorite little treat: toaster pastries.  Ever since she got her third gastric bypass surgery she just loves Pop Tarts.  She says they are the perfect sized snack.  Now I'm no Martha Damn Stewart, but I'll wrap up a box of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop Tarts in a little basket with some soap, a bottle of that new Britney Spears perfume they had on clearance at the Dollar Tree, and a carton of Merit Ultra Menthol 100's with a big bow on top.  I can already just picture her eyes lighting up and the way she rattles her restraint chains when she gets all excited in the visitor's bay.

However, Alone, not everyone is fortunate enough to have found their true heartmate, and I know Valentine's Day can be lonely if you just stay home and mope.  My advice to you is to go out tonight and spend some time with a real romance expert.  Did you know that Stripping is the most romantic job in the world?  To my mind, exotic dancers are just like lay counselors in love spending all their time bringing dreams of romance and true love into the hearts of so many men.  I recommend going to one of the smaller clubs like Top Hatz and Tailz on Mingo.  I like it more than all the others because the girls there know how to make a man feel at home, and the bouncers are less likely to come flying at you swinging a baseball bat every little time you help yourself to a handful.  Even an expert on affairs of the heart like yours truly can still learn a trick or two from these lovely, hard working, free loving gals.  That's why most nights just like tonight that's where you'll find me.  The company is great, and the free buffet from four thirty to six ain't half bad neither.  If you've spent as much time in jail as I have, it is hard to underestimate the subtle allure of free grub, cold beer, and hot ladies.  They say that if music is the food of love then strip on ... or something like that.  Anyway, Alone, if I were you, I'd hit the ATM, get a pocketful of jack, go to a strip joint, get a ringside seat, and feel the love.  You know some folks say that these clubs are just clip joints, but not me.  I say strippers are just like big slot machines of love.  Just keep feeding them dollar bills in there, and I'll bet you'll hit the jackpot big time.  Good luck and Happy Valentine's Day!