January 31, 2006

-The following is an excerpt from the January 31, 2006 edition of The Times-Macaroon.

New Orleans Wins Bid For Secret Prison

    In what may signal a turning point in the New Orleans' recovery from the devastation of Hurricane Katrina, Mayor Ray Nagin proudly announced that the city has just been awarded the contract for a new United States federal secret prison.  The Mayor and his Bring Back New Orleans commission had lobbied hard over the last three months for the lucrative contract which will pump over two hundred million dollars into the city's economy over the next three years and account for at least three hundred new jobs. Two hundred acres of land in the storm ravaged Lower Ninth Ward have been earmarked for the top secret detention facility.  Blueprints outline a state-of-the-art one hundred thousand square foot compound designed to illegally house up one hundred and seventy-five enemies of the state with dozens of interrogation and torture cells as well as a full service cafeteria, retail shop, and health club.  Ground breaking is scheduled for summer of 2006. 

    "When the news came out that we had the winning bid, everybody in the City Council chambers went crazy," reported controversial Mayor Nagin.  "It was like Mardi Gras in there with everyone singing and cheering.  Hell, even the white guys were dancing, and you know that ain't pretty."  New Orleans, long neglected by a seemingly indifferent federal government after its incompetent disaster response, managed to win the contract against stiff competition from an impressive roster of international suitors ranging from Kasparov, Rumania to Sofia, Bulgaria to Tulsa, Oklahoma.  Insiders indicate that the city's reputation for corruption, lawlessness, and a laissez faire attitude which have worked against it in attempts to woo Fortune 500 companies actually worked in favor of New Orleans' bid for the new torture facility.  The City Council's willingness to overlook impediments like laws prohibiting illegal search and seizure, kidnapping, and bribery won over the Department of Defense's blue ribbon search committee.  Mayor Nagin was frank in his description of the courtship process.  "We told 'em to come on down here to the Big Easy and laissez les bon temps rouler.   Life is cheap down here, and we told 'em we would do whatever it takes to get that contract."

    "The whole setup is perfect for us," said Department of Defense project planner Colonel Wilfred Arbuthnot.  Even the government's continued failure to rebuild and reinforce the levee system was not seen as a deterrent to the project.  "So what if another hurricane hits?  The facility is graded to withstand a Level Five storm.  If there's flooding, it is no big deal to us.  Flooded, dank dungeons filled with raw sewerage?  That's like Club Med to our team.  We'll be water-boarding, stress positioning, the whole nine yards.  From our perspective, the more miserable and degrading the conditions, the better.  That's why New Orleans come out on the top of our list."

    Flushed with victory, Mayor Nagin and the Bring Back New Orleans commission say that this is only the beginning of an aggressive plan to revitalize the city.  Working with a team of FEMA long range planners and a group of local visionaries such as former Governor Edwin Edwards, former State Representative David Duke, and recently indicted former Mayor Marc Morial, the plan for the future of the city is beginning to take shape.  Edwards, during an interview held in his prison cell, stated,  "The secret prison is just a small part of the government's plan for the future of New Orleans.  There is a full roster of new projects in development."  At the top of the list is the city's bid for the Department of Energy's proposed massive new nuclear waste storage facility.  The facility is designed to hold over three hundred thousand tons of depleted plutonium rods as well as a wide variety of other forms of unstable nuclear waste.  The city, working closely with local contractors, has put together a very attractive offer of a three square mile tract of land in the now abandoned Lakeview region and hopes to turn the devastated neighborhood into a showcase for hazardous waste storage in depopulated zones.  As attention turns to the unique opportunities now available in New Orleans, corporations in the private sector have also looked to the Crescent City for new developments.  The Dow Chemical Company has already purchased five city blocks in the now desolate Mid City section of the city for the development of their new Biological Weapons Division's national headquarters.  The project which was deemed too hazardous by local governments in Beijing, China, Bhopal, India, and Chernobyl, Russia has been made possible by a sweetheart deal with FEMA that rezoned the property from "residential" to "extremely hazardous industrial" space.  Located directly adjacent to the charming and historical Canal Cemeteries, the project will bring much needed economic stimulus to the area.  Governor Blanco personally waived the environmental impact studies to bring the project to life.  Experts in biohazardous materials state there is only a very, very small chance that the materials produced in the plant and disseminated into the facility's soil will cause the re-animation of corpses in the nearby cemetery.

    Speaking of zombies, Mayor Nagin hinted that the long rumored Globochem Zombie Storage Facility proposed for construction in blighted New Orleans East may pass through the final stages of approval by the City Council in the next few days.  Nagin, giddy with excitement over the prospect of more new businesses relocating to New Orleans, was clearly thrilled at the rebirth of his city.  "If a year ago you had told me that New Orleans would be reinvigorated by a wave of projects ranging from secret prisons to nuclear waste disposal projects to a shiny, new storage facility capable of housing over two thousand blood thirsty, undead zombies, I would have said you were high.  But here we are making these dreams a reality right now in the new New Orleans," Nagin gushed.  "You know, when I was a little boy, my mama used to tell me that sometimes bad things happen but that you have to make the most of them.  She said, Ray-Ray, when the world gives you lemons, make them into hand grenades, and that's just what we're doing."  Under the leadership of Mayor Ray Nagin and with the support and organizational prowess of FEMA, certainly anything is possible in New Orleans now.