LITERARY JOURNAL The ACST BLAH Get your damn hands off her! Vol. 2 No. 1 1969! Hell Yeah! Happy Boxing Day! We're Back Yes, everybody the Blah is back in your life. I'm the coolest of the Blah crew, so I'm doing the opening thing again. It's true, the Doc and the Nurse are gone, finally, the big M ?! said that the only reason they sent them too us was to teach us self control and get in touch with our masculine side. This time around we are going to have some ‘real' poetry, not that the stuff you, The Great Unwashed, offer us isn't real, it's. . . um. . . shall we say, more ‘published' than yours. From now on we are going to have at least one poem, or something of the sort, in our Blah. This time around I think that it is by my good friend Edgar Poe, he likes to say "Dammit". Ahh, yes, happy Boxing Day, I know that it is a little early in the year to celebrate, but it's a cool name for a holiday, and since I'm not going to be here December 26th, I figure I can do what I want. bye bye. —D.C. The Cucumber Strikes Again! Well everybody, it looks like we're back again. I have recently been thinking about a problem that is corrupting our entire society. I have had about three weeks to stew on this subject, and I have come to the conclusion that getting caught lying really sucks! I feel that lying is a natural thing of nature in people, and should be nourished and helped along, until you're good at it. Think. . . Think about what the world would be like if no one lied. BORING! Just like the thing you say to kids with low self-esteem, "What would the world be like if everyone looked alike?" If no one lied then people's feelings would be hurt all the time, kids would get beat very regularly. Granted, yes, the criminal justice system would be quicker, but what about those ‘criminals' that did it, but that would not do it again? What about all the lawyers of the world? Their job wouldn't even exist, so the work force would be even more over burdened than it is now. Just think about all of the people whose lives depend on lying. PEOPLE, we are talking about the fate of the universe here and all you can do is sit here and read! Go talk to your congressman, neighbor, parent, significant other, whatever, but just GO! Go tell the world what you have learned here, that lying is good and should be nourished, tell them what the world would be like without lairs. Thank you for your time, bye bye. —The Demon Cucumber The Eye's POEtry Corner LENORE Ah, broken is the golden bowl! the spirit flown forever! Let the bell toll!- a saintly soul floats on the Stygian river; And, Guy de Vere, hast thou no tear?- weep now or nevermore! See! on yon drear and rigid bier low lies thy love, Lenore! Come! let the burial rite be read- the funeral song be sung!- An anthem for the queenliest dead that ever died so young- A dirge for her the doubly dead in that she died so young. "Wretches! ye loved her for her wealth and hated her for her pride, And when she fell in feeble health, ye blessed her- that she died! How shall the ritual, then, be read?- the requiem how be sung By you- by yours, the evil eye,- by yours, the slanderous tongue That did to death the innocence that died, and died so young?" Peccavimus; but rave not thus! and let a Sabbath song Go up to God so solemnly the dead may feel no wrong. The sweet Lenore hath "gone before," with Hope, that flew beside, Leaving thee wild for the dear child that should have been thy bride. For her, the fair and debonair, that now so lowly lies, The life upon her yellow hair but not within her eyes The life still there, upon her hair- the death upon her eyes. "Avaunt! avaunt! from fiends below, the indignant ghost is riven- From Hell unto a high estate far up within the Heaven- From grief and groan, to a golden throne, beside the King of Heaven! Let no bell toll, then,- lest her soul, amid its hallowed mirth, Should catch the note as it doth float up from the damned Earth! And I!- to-night my heart is light!- no dirge will I upraise, But waft the angel on her flight with a Paean of old days!" —Edgar Allan Poe Untitled I look down at my skin and cry, I look so diferent, why? Don't ask me how! I don't know how to buy a cow. I've changed so much these past few years, I still don't have any ears. —The Demon Cucumber It is I the Cucumber! Now me be doin' poetry thigie! That Edgar stuff is coooool, I guess. But mine is better, don't you agree? I too stupid to do an in depth analysis of poetry so if any of you unwashed heathens want to join, and can analysize (annd spel) poetry, "Come on in!" Shake N. Bake's Recipes That Don't Taste Good At All Easter Bunny Cake Ingredients: The Easter Bunny, three dozen eggs, 1 gallon pink lead paint, 1 quart milk, 3 teaspoons vanilla, one shot cheap whiskey, a cow. First, hard boil 12 of the eggs and paint them with the pink lead paint and force feed the bunny all of them. Then throw the rest of the eggs at the bunny, and start to laugh at him. If you feel bad: you're a wuss, go home and cry to your mommy, and tell her what a bad boy you've been. If you feel good: your sick and need immediate psychiatric help. But before you go to a shrink, mix the rest of the paint, milk, and vanilla, and drink it. Then for a chaser take down the whisky. After you sober up, Milk the cow and turn the milk into cheese. Let the cow go loose in the streets, and take the cheese into a department store. Try to return the cheese, saying that it was a $500 sweater when you bought it but when you washed it, this came out. If they give you the money take it, and the cheese, run out of the store, and go to another store and try the same thing. If all goes well, eventually you will be rich, call me up and thank me and give me half the money, because if it weren't for me you would still be poor. There. Cardboard Stew Ingredients: Cardboard, mayonnaise, dihydroxide, cheese. First spread the mayo on the cardboard, submerge the cardboard into the dihydroxide, and boil for two years. Then let it sit for two fortnight nights. If stuff starts to grow, throw it out, and eat the cheese. If stuff doesn't grow then take the cheese, stir the stew with it, then eat out a portion of the cheese so that it looks like a spoon. Then eat your stew and think about why you listen to me. If you cannot find a reason why, do the whole recipe again. There. Smelly Lump Ingredients: Lots of cheese Purchase a couple or a few pounds of pastuerized cheese (depending on your body weight). Next, eat it, and wait. Then you will have your Smelly Lump in about a day, even though it may be painful (I advise you not to eat it though) There. The Escape From Life After my escape, which I am certain all of you THINGS have heard about, I planned for my friends' escapes, who were apprehended by the police...not The Men in Black. I had to do this because they were my friends, my family. They were all I had, and I was all they had. So I gathered the rest of my partners--and that was Macho Cheese, which I had found drunk in a bar beating down hundreds of men. I told her about the operation and she readily agreed; because those were the only men in the world that she could not beat up. The operation was completed successfully. Later, we realized that by staying in the country we were running a big risk of being apprehended twice...That had never happened, how-ever many times we were apprehended! So we gathered our things, and got into our silver bullets, otherwise known as our silver painted, mirror tinted, silver plated, silver leather interiored, silver everything BMWs, and headed to Saudi Arabia, our home land. We all turned on our CD players and played the first song of our LL Cool J. CDS. We had to listen to CDS because at that day and age there were no such things as radios. So don't argue. As we were cruising along silently on the still water, which we did not want to disturb so we wouldn't sink, one of my partner's tires blew, and he crashed into an unknown land. The land was remote, big, and hot. That is why we called it Africa. While my partner was repairing his car, and the others were checking their cars to kill time, instead of shooting it, to save bullets, Macho Cheese and I walked around, searching for food and anything to shoot, it has been a long ride so far you know! We came about two, very weird looking, life forms. I believe one looked like a six foot tall cucumber, and the other one was a normal, not really, human. You see, he only had one eye, and it was on top of his head. Naturally, I thought they spoke English, but they did not, so I gave them a quick lesson and they became as fluent as I was, and even better writers, which really bugged me. So the Cucumber and I played a game of paper-rock-scissors and we both chose rock, so I pulled out my .45, expecting it to be empty so I could cry and become his friend, and BOOM, BOOM, BOOM! he was smoked! I had shot the living seeds out of him. The same thing happened to Cheese, when she fired at the Eye thingie, except no seeds came out. Then, we both looked at each other and as on voice we said, "what have we done?" So we both started crying. I held her and said, "Don't cry." I held her because I stopped crying first, and because of other reasons which had something to do with the way she looked. Right at that moment, as the smoke cleared away, I felt a radioactive shock wave heading towards us, so I pushed Cheese away, and it blasted right at the spot where we were standing. Along with the blast was a big-bang, which began what is know as life, and my friends heard it, so they rushed to the spot and were surprised to find a six foot cucumber, and a one-eyed man. But they shot, and Cheese and I shot, then World War -1 begun. It had lasted for thousands and thousands of seconds, usually my friends and I would blast and ride off, but this time, our cars were far away, and we did not feel like running, so we just had to keep on shooting and start a world war. Anyway, the gun shots kept on fading away, as if less and less guns were being fired, until only my gun was blasting, so I ceased fire and, as usual, waited for the smoke to clear away. Then, there I was, with my friends' bodies scattered around, I felt their cold fingers in my warm blood and thought, my family? my life? Hot tears ran helplessly down my face, Macho Cheese ran to me, but before she reached me, she was bombarid by enormous radioactive heat. When I realized that she covered me with her now toasted body anger and rage overwhelmingly filled my weak, empty soul. Then, as that harsh unrelenting force known as gravity slowly pulled her to the ground, I quickly kneeled to stop her fall. She looked at me with her beautiful, blazing eyes. Happy for my safety she said, "I protected you French, becuse I love you. . . I love you." I rested her lifeless body on the cold hard ground, and looked at her wonderful, motivated, and burning face and said, "I love you too." My tears fell on her glowing face, which still had the burning thrill of courage in it, and after that moment, my tears ran dry. Because I loved her so much, I made sure that my gun was always loaded from that day on, so Iwould not cry. Thereby leaving my last tears for her. That was how my loving and courageous family, escaped from life. On the field where victory is always granted to them. I wanted to blast those mother &%!*^#$ sons of !@#$%^& clearly off the face of Africa, and draw on them the faces which they granted my family. So I grabbed Macho's .4 5, and pulled out my OZ-9 mm, and just let the bullets fly with my eyes closed, shouting with hatread and a white hot burning need for vengence. When the bullets stopped distibuting, I did not wait for the smoke to clear, like I normally do, but instead I pulled out a rocket launcher, then waited for the smoke to clear. So then, the six foot cucumber laughingly and insolently said to me, "You've obviously never fought someone who ate a huge radioactive cucumber, have you? Ha, ha, haaa. . ." And before he could finish his senseless words, I said, Eat this, you rotten vegetable . and KAABBOOM. A mushroom cloud of smoke, heat, and powerful light appeared. Somehow, I had a feeling that they did not die, I knew that I had to escape. I ‘jogged' to my silver bullet and drove to where they were. The smoke had just cleared away, I spotted them, and headed right for ‘em and shouted, "I'll see you in the near future, I gaurantee it." Leaving them in the trail of dust which I had created with the powerfull bullet. As I rode towards the sunset, I remembered my beautifull lost-love and said to her, in my mind, I will get them for you my loved one, and if I don't, you can say that I did not love you enough, which you are forbidden to say, and I shall never allow you to think so in your new life, somewhere. The day would come, I was certain of it, the day when I demolish and terminate those brutal and cold murderers. It was already too late when I got the courage to tell her that I loved her, now that she was not, and I was, I promised myself and her that I shall never be late again. I shall never be late in preventing my forrest fires. —The French Connection Uncle Cue's ‘Tip of the Day' When detonating a nuclear device, be sure that you are out of the range of the weapon when the thing blows. Trust me, it'll save your life. Eye on Film One of the most intelligent movies that I have had the privelege to watch lately was the movie Slingblade, by Billybob Thornton. With this film, Thornton sets his film in an Arkansas that is treated with an affectionate and understanding virtuosity. The film was adapted from a book, and although I haven't read the book, I'm sure that the adaptation was faithful to the original. All of the characters are thoroughly delineated, and although the antagonist in the story is something of a one-dimensional character, he is still believable to anyone who has known someone who has a propensity for drinking and domestic violence. Thornton wrote directed and starred in this film as Carl, a mentally retarded man who has been incarcerated in a mental hospital for most of his life, after murdering his mother and her lover. Carl is finally set free after more than thirty years in the hospital, and finds himself thrust back into life as a free man, a life that he knows nothing about. He has been told that it is wrong to kill, but when confronted with a truly evil man, he is at a loss as to what action he should take. All of the acting in the movie is excellent. The actors are mostly unknown, with John Ritter the biggest name in the film. Surprisingly enough, the Carl faces none of the usual cliche situations confronted by most mentally retarded characters in film. None of the children around the town made fun of him, and pretty much all of the townspeople accept his presence without a problem. This film was powerful, well-made, and understated. Thornton's performance is masterful while John Ritter's sometimes pushes the boundaries of credibility. Here, there are no stereotypes, and the climactic scene is tense and frightening without resulting to the usual cinematic pyrotechnics. If you can get your hands on a copy of this movie, you should definitely watch it. I can understand why it won so many awards. —D.E. Hello, it's me. I havn't seen many movies reciently, so I'll talk about Bevis and Butt-head Do Amercia: It's a good movie, if you like that kind of crap. I find it insulting that so many people of my generation find that kind of trash funny. Hamlet, the new 242 minute version, is very cool. I haven't been able to stay awake through the whole thing, but from what I've seen, it is very good! Oh ya, and by the way DO NOT WATCH, THE ISLAND OF DOCTOR MOREAU! bye bye. —D.C. A Mysterious?! Message Hello all impudent mortals! I am eternal, no wait water! AHHHHHH! Cew's News In other news this week. . . The rumors are true! The Eye has left us. We The Blah are know under my control! HAHAHA! My first action is to beg the Eye to come back. PLEAAAAAAASE!!!! Oh, well... Here we go... hold on! I am the new acting ‘Editor-in-Chief' This is last issue with anything from the Eye, I hope you had fun before ‘cause the new one's gonna KICK-ASS! HEY, Get off my toe! This is your new leader, The Demon Cucumber, sighing off, bye bye. Signing Off I'm melting!!!!!! —The Mysterious ?! Off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz! —The Dreadful Eye, E.I.C. Look! In the sky, it's a bird, it's a plane, no, it's, it's, it's a, a THIIIING! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! —The Demon Cucumber, E.E. No offense to the big M ?! or The D.C. or even to The Eye, but there were nine, or my name isn't Mel Gibson. —The French Connection, T.C.