LITERARY JOURNAL The ACST BLAH Serving Your Needs Since 80,000 BC Vol. 1 No. 1 Today, this month From The Addled Minds of Us Two Searching for Staff TUNIS Alright, look, it seems that we have been having a hard time getting people interested in our little literary news magazine. That's a shame, because there's nothing to stop us from doing it ourselves and producing a concoction that only our two (or four) addled minds could create. We think we're just going to show you all a little preview of what the world would have been like if George Bailey had told Zuzu he didn't care about her stupid petals. But first, I think it would be a good idea for us to outline the kind of staff we're looking for, and what would be expected of them. What we want is pretty much a group of twelve men who're good with guns, and even better under pressure. Barring that, we'd like a bunch of servants who want to take an active hand in producing a top quality production. That doesn't mean, however, that we're going to be totally serious. Those of you who have had the privilege of making our acquaintance know that it is physically impossible for the Dreadful Eye or the Demon Cucumber to be entirely serious for more than twenty minutes at a time. After that, we start to see things, and then stuff sort of gets kind of ooky, and Mrs. Thorn-Head makes us go away. The first meeting is tentatively scheduled for next Thursday, and if no one comes, the Demon Cucumber and I will call down the wrath of the gods. Just remember, this is your fault. Partial Staff Drafted Yes, we are not entirely without staff. A small cadre of military leaders has agreed to lend us monetary support. Just today, we met with Nelson Mandela, president of South Africa, and he okayed our decision to draft Shake N Bake for our column "Recipes That Don't Taste Good At All." He will also act as our staff-faculty liaison, and we will come up with an acronym that has nothing to do with his job, and publish it in the next magazine. Also, we have added Nurse Kyle to our staff, and she will be in charge of "Deep Thoughts From Nurse Kyle." We also intend to ask The French Connection and The Mysterious ?! to contribute in some way. A Name Actually, I think the ACST Blah is a pretty chic and trendy name, but it has come to our notice that we need another one anyway, because we aren't exactly authorities on stuff that is… well… shall we say real? So, we're involving all you illustrious Unwashed in our "Name that Thing Over There" contest. We want you to name the magazine yourself. You should feel honored. If you do not feel honored, then remember, we know where you live. Artwork Has anyone besides the two of us ever noticed that we don't actually have a real mascot, or anything? This bothers me even more than the Goofy Question, and I think it's time we remedied the situation. So, what the Cucumber and I were thinking is that you should do all the work. Yes, all the work. Anyway, so the upshot of the whole thing is (cool word, that— "upshot") that we would like you all to take pencil (or pen) in hand, get out some paper and draw something for us. It doesn't even have to be good, people, as long as you do your best. Come on, you can do it, show some spirit! Weather Report Today was pretty much as we predicted, except we were totally wrong. We think it's going to snow tomorrow, but no one really cares. If you want a display of our power, we will keep it from snowing. Be on the lookout. Message From The Mysterious?! Yes, boys and girls, it is I—The Mysterious ?! I am joining the editorial staff of the magazine, and all of you should tremble with fear for the fate of this pitiful orb. Yes, together, The Demon Cucumber, The Dreadful Eye and I, the Mysterious ?! Will do something too dreadful to imagine! Something too nefarious to contemplate! So secret and arcane and esoteric that not even we know what it is! But we'll do it. So don't push us. Or if you do, say sorry afterwards. Yes. Run along, now. Endorsement Offers Spurned Yesterday, we received a call from Nike, asking us to endorse their new Air Eye, and Cucumber Flight shoes. We told them that we would never bow to commercial pressure, we are a serious organization, and if they kept bothering us, they'd wish they'd had the sense to get Met. It pays. And Fanta Citron—it only tastes that bad before you get used to it. Manifesto Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is time to state our aims in a clear, concise thing, or something like that. What we want, all you readers out there, is to take over the entire world. Eight hundred centuries ago, no one was around, because there wasn't anything back then. But that's okay, because that was a long time ago, anyway. Yes, but when in the course of stuff, it becomes necessary to go out there, throw down the gauntlet and tell your mother, you will not eat cheese, then who you gonna call? Ghost Busters. Hint: Think "Who was Chicken Little, Really." Answers: Yes. Letters Ha. We're already even getting letters from people, so what do you think of that? Can't say anything to that, can you? Yeah, well, good. Names are withheld upon request. So there. Here's some letters. Deranged In Douz Dear Eye, I am a seventeen year old sheep by the name of Hattie, (please don't use my name)[EDITOR'S NOTE:DO NOT READ THAT NAME!] and I was just wondering if it's alright to use Javel to bleach wool. I know you probably have a lot of other people writing with more important letters, and I'm wasting your time, but I would really appreciate an answer. TDE: Hattie, you absolutely disgust me. What is wrong with you that you think you can just write here and take up my valuable time. There must have been something wrong with your mind when you did that thing with that stuff. So, I think the nurse is coming, and if I'm not quiet, she'll stick me with the needle again. I'm scared. TDC: Only on Thursdays. But only at the end of Embember. The thirty-seventh. Yes, please, sir. Nibbled in Nice Dear Staff, I was just wondering how I could have written to your magazine before it had even been created. TDE & TDC: Shut up. Sheepless In Menza Dear people who paid me for this letter I am a Tuareg who has come to Tunis so that his sheep could attend school here. However, not only is there any room in my apartment for more than one sheep, but she has run away. Her name is Hattie, and her wool is black, she owns a laptop computer, and she can read and write She is very conspicuous, but still, no one has seen her. What should I do? ?!: Wouldn't you like to know. Nurse Kyle's Health Hints, Or Something Like That. Remember, when you can't figure out why the toast isn't popping out, don't use a silver knife, use a copper one. Deep Thoughts From Nurse Kyle You know, once, when I was young, there was some stuff, and a guy with a bag, but he wasn't just any guy with a bag—it was a bag of stuff. He used to pat his chest and say "Tippecanoe and Tyler, too," and he meant every word of it. Shake N. Bake's Recipes That Don't Taste Good At All Dirt Soup Ingredients: Dirt, water, cheese. First, throw the cheese away, because I lied—it's not really in there. After that, eat some dirt, and try to figure out what's going on. If you can't, you're on the right track. Go over to a friend's house and steal something, then come back, put a large kettle of water on the stove, and dump some dirt into it. When the water boils, throw the soup away, because it's too nasty to eat. There. Nasty Candy Ingredients: Some candy, some fish, some cheese. First, unwrap all of the candy. Then rub the fish on it. Stare at it for a long time, go over to a friend's house and steal something else. Come home, mail the things you stole back to your friend, postage due. Go back and look at the candy. Whatever you do, don't eat it. Think about old times, get scared, call the police. Then eat the cheese. Sleep 19 hours. There.