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***
Act I, Scene I
>Frodo is sitting on the outskirts of town waiting for Gandalf<
*Frodo: I'm waiting for Gandalf
Gandalf the Gray
Horses eat hay
He'll soon be here
For the birthday of Bilbo
He got him a � ^that's wrong
*Wait! A Box of Joe!
Ha ha ha, ho ho
Random Hobbit: He's here! He's here!
Tell everyone with an ear!
>Gandalf walks on stage<
*Gandalf: I'm Gandalf the Gray
And I'm really old
My ears have hair
And my toes have mold.
I can hardly see
My socks don't fit
But my feet are not
As hairy as a hobbit's.
I'm here to see Bilbo
And to wish him luck
And also to tell him
That he's a sick � cluck.
>Knocks on Bilbo's Door<
Bilbo: Go away!
*Gandalf: Why must I go?
Oh dear, oh no!
Can it be so?
Dance to and fro!
Santa says 'Ho ho ho!'
Hello?
Bilbo?
You name rhymes with �
Bilbo: Stop! I'm here!
*Why are you singing, singing
You funny old man
Why are you singing, singing
On this� um� ^ Aw hell, I can't rhyme.
*Gandalf: Come with me
And you shall see
Why, we two, are together.
On this finest day
One must always say
Our sappiness reigns forever.
You have family and friends
Whose love never ends,
Have thrown my cat at a door.
Now hurry, make haste
There's no time to waste!
For 'Oprah' is on at four.
>They walk to the celebration where the entire village is already waiting<
*Three Random hobbits: (To the tune of 'Little Shop of Horrors')
Birthday boy!
The birthday boy has come!
Birthday boy!
Now let's all have some fun!
Birthday boy!
You are the greatest by far!
Birthday boy!
Although we don't know how old you really are!
Random Elderly Hobbit: Hit it!
(Tune from The Emperor's New Groove)
*Crowd: Happy, happy birthday,
From all of us to you!
We wish it was our birthday,
So we could party too!
>The crowd cheers as the elderly hobbit stands once more<
Elderly Hobbit: Alright everyone, settle down. We've put together a little magic act for you!
>Everyone turns and looks at Gandalf<
Gandalf: Not me, you short, hairy footed rejects!
>Bilbo walks to the front of the crowd<
*Bilbo: I'll do a little act for you,
I have a little show for you,
Now get ready, I'll show it to you,
I'll do a little act for you!
Get ready, get set!
You'll be shocked, I'll bet
I'll do a little act for you!
Hope you like the show
Refunds are a no go,
I'll do an act for you!�>
>Slips the ring onto his finger and disappears<
Bilbo: (Invisible) �Ta-da?
>Crowd gasps and begins talking amongst themselves as Bilbo (still unseen) sneaks away back to his house. Once inside he removes his ring and reappears. He chuckles to himself<
*Bilbo: HA! How easily fooled they were!
Of all tricksters I reign supreme
If only someone knew,
Of the tricks I could do�>
^Ugh, I should not have had all those beans. >Clutching his stomach<
Gandalf: I'll say, WHEW! That is not a healthy smell.
*Bilbo: What are you doing here?
How did you know where I would be?
I thought I was smart
But then I let a big fart!
How did you know? Tell me, tell me, tell me!
*Gandalf: To make a long story short
I saw through you trick.
Now give me that ring
Bilbo: Why?
*Gandalf: It's in the script
*Both: And we want the writers happy!
*Bilbo: The script also says
I must take my leave,
So I'm off
To I know not where.
But do this one thing
I beg of you
Let my nephew know
That I care�>
Gandalf: I shall.
>Bilbo leaves. Gandalf takes a seat and Frodo enters a few moments later looking for his uncle<
Frodo: Gandalf, have you seen my uncle?
Gandalf: He left, he said he hates you.
>Frodo lowers his head looking sad<
*Gandalf: But please, my good boy
Do not despair,
For before he left,
He placed this in your care
>Holds out the ring which Frodo takes<
*Frodo: This looks to be gold
Why I'll sell it right away!
What treasures I'll earn
What a glorious day!
My uncle did indeed
Still adored me
That must be why
He left such a wonder to me�>
Gandalf: Actually, it's now your job to cross middle-earth while avoiding armies who seek the ring so that you may enter a land of evil, climb to the top of a volcano and toss the ring in destroying it once and for all.
Frodo: AW! Bloody hell!
Gandalf: So what do you say? (To the tune of 'Let's all go to the Lobby')
*Let's go destroy the ring,
Let's go destroy the ring,
Let's go destroy the ring,
Because it's really bad!
-End Scene 1-