Anyway, having some kind of superpower would be great. Some people say if they were blessed with a super-human power they�d use it for the good of all mankind. Bullshit. Most people would use their powers to take revenge on the bullies that gave them wedgies in high-school. I�m not that vindictive though, and I was never picked on in high-school, so I�d use any special abilities I was given much more productively. It�s not that I don�t love revenge, but so far, I�ve never needed special powers to destroy my enemies (I hope you enjoyed the severed goat heads in your cars assholes).
Here�s a list of special powers I would love to have. There�s pretty much no chance I�ll ever have any of these powers, but if I ever get them you�ll probably see me on the news attacking Canada.
Telekinetic Cardiac Exploder: It would be so cool to be able to make someone�s heart explode like a Chihuahua in a microwave just by thinking it. The next time someone shitty like Brittney Spears was on TV bitching about how hard her life is, I�d maker her heart blow up. People all over the world would wonder what happened to her. �She was so healthy. How can this be?� And I�d be sitting on the couch laughing hysterically the whole time. I know I said I wouldn�t use my powers for the good of all mankind, but killing Brittney Spears is the one exception.
Super Strength: It would be nice to actually knock people�s heads off when I punch them. Knocking their teeth out just isn�t as fulfilling as it used to be.
Control Over Animals: How sweet would it be if all kinds of animals attacked an anti-fur protest. Throwing paint on a live Grizzly Bear wouldn�t save even the most ardent animal rights activist. Up yours with rusty nails PETA.
Instant Alcohol: If I could make whiskey appear magically out of thin air, I could die happily (and probably within a few days). Even the cheapest bottle of rot gut costs like ten bucks. What? Am I made out of money?
Violin Virtuoso: Playing violin is fucking hard. I figured since I�ve been playing bass and guitar for over ten years violin would be somewhat easy to learn. Damn, was I ever wrong. When I play �Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star� on my violin, it sounds like I�m skinning a cat with a potato peeler. It would just be cool to be able to play violin like Paganini for a change.
Laser Eyes: Why would it be sweet to shoot lasers out of my eyes? Because with my hands free, I could fire guns at the same time.
Flight/Levitation: Driving is a pain in the ass, and I�d rather fly. Plus, how many �If I can fly around the bar I get free drinks for the rest of the night� bets do you think I�d win. Tons. That�s how many.
Invincibility: I�ll just say this, getting shanked would be a lot less of a bummer.
I know there are a lot of other appealing powers to be had, but I don�t really need them. Some guys might want to be invisible, but I�m not a pervert. I don�t need to sneak around in women�s bathrooms for a cheap thrill. Time traveling powers might be ok, but I don�t need to go to the future to write a preachy dystopia, and I have a pretty good idea of how I�ll die already. Besides, if I were invincible and could play violin I would be more than happy.