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Hooray paparazzi! |
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Celebrities have it all. Shitloads of money, the popularity that allows them to get away with murder, and brains...wait, forget brains, celebrities generally have the intelligence of a partial-birth abortion. They have everything they could ever want: cars, mansions, golden statues of themselves, jewel-encrusted toilet seats, human slaves, and whatever the hell else they feel like forking over huge amounts of money to buy. They don't have a care in the world right? Wrong. All of their lives are haunted by a horror so horrific, not even a 31 hour Twilight Zone marathon could compare. This monstrous thorn in the side of every celebrity is the paparazzi. |
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These lowly photographers are able to frighten or enrage any celebrity they target at any time or any place. It's amazing how traumatized celebrities are after some guy takes their picture. "Oh my god! Someone just snapped a few photos of me! Even though I'm a narcissistic butthole who masturbates to pictures of herself, I can't stand the paparazzi taking a photo of me! My very life is in jeopardy because there are people who want to take pictures of me. Oh, the pain. Oh the horror. Why me? Why is my life so hard? I have all the money, adoration, and earthly possessions I could ever dream of, but someone took my photo when I walked out of a nightclub. I'm so tortured. How am I supposed to live? Why is life so hard?" That's wonderful, why don't you get in your airplane, fly to your summer home in the Bahamas, and have a good long cry on your private beach. And drink some thousand-dollar champagne while you're at it. Fucking twat. |
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What the fuck is wrong with these people? They love attention; they wouldn't be celebrities if they didn't. They star in movies, commercials, TV shows etc. that millions of people see but they flip out when someone takes their picture. That's like a bitch with big tits wearing a bikini top to a funeral and complaining when someone looks at her. It's fucking pathetic, and any celebrity that wigs out about paparazzi abuse (that isn't criminal activity) deserves a steel-toed boot kick to the genitals. Male or female, if they're rich and they bitch about the paparazzi, their genitals get stopmed. |
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There's people in the world with shitty lives and real problems, but celebrities act like their lives are so horrible because of the paparazzi. I've had it with celebrities. Their bullshit makes me want to become a member of the paparazzi just so I can make their lives hell. Or maybe I'll become a journalist. Then I can kick celebrity genitals all the time. It might go something like this...
Me: So Madonna, what have you been up to lately?
Madonna: Well, I've been reading the Kabalah, writing children's books, and pissing you off mainly.
Me: Damn right. I hate you and I think everything about you sucks.
Madonna: I get that a lot.
Me: How does Guy Ritchie even stand you?
Madonna: I'm not sure. I think it's because he's British.
Me: Yeah, you never know what the fuck they're thinking.
Madonna: I'm British too you know.
Me: Shut the fuck up.
Madonna: I get that a lot too.
Me: Anyway, you can't sing, you can't act, and let's face it, a retard could beat you at a game of scrabble; what's next for you?
Madonna: I'll probably make out with some young, pop starlets, write some more books, and try to keep my sanity.
Me: Sanity? Well, if you actually had it, what would take it from you?
Madonna: The damn paparazzi. I was leaving the spa the other day and someone took my picture. I nearly died.
Me: That's the only worry you have in life?
Madonna: Well yeah, that and keeping poor people off my property.
Me: -Viciously kicks Madonna right in the genitals- That was sweet, and I get to interview Tommy Lee tomorrow. Woo-hoo!
Sweet huh? |
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And what's the deal with celebrities talking politics? Yeah, I really need to get my political information from Susan Serandon. Never, ever, take celebrity political views seriously. Here's what Cheryl Crow had to say about the war in Iraq.
"I think war is based in greed and there are huge karmic retributions that will follow. I think war is never the answer to solving any problems. The best way to solve problems is to not have enemies."
If you agree with her, you're an asshole. What a stupid thing to say. I've had it with celebrities, and if the paparazzi ruins their day, I applaud them for it. |
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Home. |
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