|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| The end of the mtv occupation. | ||||||||||||
| When I reached the bottom of the stairs, I was greeted by people I didn't know, but had seen before. These were the people I had seen at metal shows. The guy with all the old-school metal patches I saw at the Behemoth show was there. The guy with the rare Carcass shirt I met at the Impaled show was there. Even the huge bald guy who got kicked out of the Dying Fetus show for beating the shit out of a punk was there. They greeted me with "hails and horns" and the apparent leader, the owner of the store, spoke. | ||||||||||||
| "Congratulations brother, you have found the resistance. Mtv may be winning but we have a plan to stop them." Everyone held up a cup, cheered, and chugged mightily from their humble chalices. The leader told me that mtv was broadcasting brainwashing messages and only people who watched mtv on a regular basis for long periods of time could be affected by them. "We know how to stop them," he told me, "but none of us can do it". "Why" I asked him. They all laughed before answering. "It is a long drive to mtv headquarters, and we are all far too drunk to drive safely". | ||||||||||||
| The leader pulled out a crudely drawn map and showed me how to get to mtv's headquarters. He told me small metalhead resistance groups like this were doing the same thing all over the world, and if we could stop mtv's transmissions for one day, the brainwashing would be erased and mtv would have to start all over. They said I was the chosen one, and it would be my job to stop Carson Daily and make sure mtv was unable to transmit for 24 hours. They gave me a bat that they had hammered long nails into, making it a spiked club. They assured me this was all I would need to battle the mtv soldiers because they were all still into the boy band trend. | ||||||||||||
| I left the basement and drove for a while to get to the mtv transmitting bunker. I stopped several hundred yards away to see what I would be up against. There were about seventy people standing outside with cardboard signs that read, "we love Carson. Justin's a hotty. We (heart) Britney". I knew I would have no trouble breaking through their lines; it was what I would encounter on the inside that I was worried about. I had no idea what to expect. | ||||||||||||
| I turned on my high beams and revved my engine. I turned on my stereo proudly blasting "Destroy the Opposition" by Dying Fetus. I made myself ready, and stomped on the gas pedal. As I got closer to the crowd, few paid any attention to my presence. They were all too involved in waving their signs and trying to get noticed by Carson Daily. My car violently plowed through the stupid, squealing teeny-boppers. I made my car violently swerve into a series of doughnuts, spraying dirt, and human flesh everywhere. I had taken out most of the troops, so I exited my car, spiked club in hand. Several girls attacked me with slaps to the chest. I quickly batted them over the head with my club. Their heads caved in and blood sprayed everywhere. I also noticed that if any of the girls even had brains, they were significantly smaller than normal brains. | ||||||||||||
| One blonde sang me a rendition of a Britney Spears song with the lyrics changed to something about sparing her life. I laughed coldly as I whumped her in the head with my bloody club. She fell backwards but her singing didn't stop so I proceeded to stomp on her head until she was silent. I kicked open the mtv door and made my way to the heart of the studio where I would find and destroy Carson Daily. There would be no final showdown, as soon as I saw Carson, I kicked him in the kidney. He started crying so I hit his head with my club, sending it crashing through the window and three stories down to the cold and blood-soaked earth. | ||||||||||||
| From there, I walked into the control center and began breaking everything I could smash with my bat. I then found their vault and destroyed every tape of every show they ever aired. I went back to the studio and destroyed all of their cameras. There was no way mtv would be back on the air any time soon. | ||||||||||||
| I went back to the resistance where all of my metalhead friends were celebrating. They told me I had succeeded, as did all of the other resistance groups all over the world. All of mtv's leaders had fallen, as well as Jesse Camp, even though it wasn't really necessary. After a huge party we went our separate ways, we had to put our lives back together. | ||||||||||||
| The world forgot the cause and reason for the riots. The media chalked it all up to a massive power failure and super-flu epidemic. Only the resistance groups know the truth. So, whenever you see two metalheads flash each other the horns hand gesture, you know the meaning behind it. | ||||||||||||
| Did this happen? Could this happen? Did I just use a long, three-part story to explain a simple principle? Yes. Mtv sucks, and only a dipshit would think otherwise. Fuck mtv. | ||||||||||||