 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Going to the dentist is like being abducted by aliens |
|
|
|
I had to go to the Dentist the other day, and while my gums were being poked, prodded, and punctured, I realized something. Maybe it was the fact the guy was scraping my teeth like he was peeling old tile, but I felt like I was being "examined" by an alien. Not that I ever have been abducted, or even take the whole alien thing seriously, but all the books I'd read, all the weird videos and specials I'd seen on the subject were suddenly pushed to the front of my mind. I could suddenly recall all the testimonies given by people who's lives were changed by a so-called "alien abduction". |
|
|
|
If an abduction is remembered by the individual, it is almost never a pleasant memory. In fact, it is usually terrifying, horrific, and traumatic; very inconvenient at the very least. Some people are supposedly so bothered by their experiences, they block them from their cognizant memory. Sometimes the experience will break out of the victim's subconscious through dreams; under hypnosis, many people can remember all of the events and relive the situation exactly as it happened. |
|
|
|
Here are a few similarities between a dental appointment, and an alien abduction. |
|
|
|
1.) They're both unexpected experiences.
I can never remember when I have a dental appointment. They send me all kinds of reminders, and have even called a week or so in advance to confirm the appointment, yet I always forget. Then, the day arrives when I have the appointment and someone usually says something like, "Hey, weren't you supposed to go to the dentist today". Then I remember and I have to hurry up to get to the dental office on time. So, even though I should have known I had an appointment, I had no idea. Aliens usually just show up when you're least expecting it. People have been abducted while sleeping, driving, fishing, hiking, etc. They're like people who have the uncanny ability to show up during dinner and expect you to be all happy to see them even though you're pissed that you have to be a good host and share your spamwich with them. |
|
|
|
2.) Strange lapses of time are common in abductions and dental visits.
I had a simple cleaning the other day. I thought I would be done in maybe twenty minutes tops. When I finally left the office, I noticed my appointment had actually taken about an hour! I cannot account for this lost time. Some alien abductees experience "missing time" several days long. I think the similarities speak for themselves on this one. |
|
|
|
3.) Both experiences are usually painful and humiliating.
There's just something humiliating about being a dental paitent. Some stranger is invading your personal space, you're laying down in an uncomfortable manner, and this stranger is causing you pain. Having a total stranger's hands in your mouth is one of the most intrusive experiences I've ever gone through. After my appointment, my gums hurt, some of my teeth hurt, and I had a headache because my jaw was practically ripped open so the dentist could get to my wisdom teeth. People who have been abducted by aliens often suffer from lingering pain after their ordeal. Some people have strange wounds, burns (some people even have radiation burns. I was exposed to radiation because the guy forgot to put the lead vest on me when I was x-rayed.), scars, bruises etc. on their bodies. Some victims even get migraines that they never experienced before. Usually victims feel they have been subjected to humiliating examinations. This usually refers to aliens diddling their genitals and probing their asses. Although you can hardly compare being ass-fucked by a little gray guy to having someone cramming his hands in your mouth, the dental procedures still come off as humiliating to a lesser degree. |
|
|
|
4.) Both experiences can make the victims feel helpless or paralyzed.
When you have to endure serious dental work, often you are given drugs that numb you as well as incapacitate you. For more serious dental surgeries, a person will be completely put under. Even if you are only given nitrous, you aren't in complete control of your own faculties. Your coordination is seriously reduced by such a drug, as well as your mental abilities. When people are abducted, they often feel paralyzed, helpless, and not in control of their own bodies. This is why they don't just drop kick the retarded little aliens and get away before they get reemed by a shiny probe. Some crooked dentists have even fondled women when they were put under for some dental procedure. The aliens do the same thing, those evil bastards. |
|
|
|
These are just a few of the many similarities between dental procedures and alien abductions. I have nothing against dentists. They do an important job, aliens on the other hand, are stupid dicks who fuck with people with no positive effects (most of the time, some people have been healed of a disease supposedly thanks to the aliens who abducted them) to the victim. My theory, is that some people who believe they have been abducted by aliens are actually remembering a really shitty dental appointment. This new theory makes a lot of sense and when science gets involved, I'm sure the evidence will continue to pile up. |
|
|
|
NOTE: After my last checkup, I had no cavities but the dentist is now intent on taking two of my wisdom teeth. The last time I had teeth removed, I was a young teenager. I needed six teeth removed, but when I left the office, seven teeth had been removed. The dentist knocked one tooth out accidentally while frantically prying out one of my unexposed permanent teeth after having already removed the baby tooth directly above it. Also, medicines, caffeine, and other substances have little or no effect on me; that, or the effects just wear off really quickly. So, after about three teeth I felt everything. I asked for more novocaine but the dentist couldn't administer anymore because I'd already been shot up with plenty. It sucked really,really hard and pissed me off. This time, I'll be prepared. I'll probably get drunk before I go, so I'll feel even less. Plus, in order to gaurd myself from some dentist cupping my balls while I'm messed up on nitrous, I am making a shirt that says, "Please don't touch my balls". This will let the dentist know that I'm not oblivious to what can happen in such a situation. I will also tell the dentist that any pain I feel will be answered with a swift punch to his balls; just a little extra incentive to tread lightly. That should take care of things. One has to be careful these days, there's a lot of weirdos out there. |
|
|
|
The best thing about the whole ordeal, is my mouth is going to be one bloody, stinking mess for at least a few hours. I'm taking full advantage of it. I'm going to buy booze and just sort of, let blood dribble out of my mouth to freak out the employees. I can spit bloody gauze at people who cut me off in traffic. My smile will be revolting because blood will gather between and on my teeth. These are just a few fun things that can be done when your mouth is bleeding like a liberal's heart. Also, I have an excuse to substitute all solid food with beer. |
|
|
|
Home. |
|